That would make my skin crawl.

This was suggested to SO when our SD started playing parents against each other. That said the view he took was. lil_lady is a parent in our home we are having a child together. If we are going to have to communicate and be changing house rules then lil_lady will have to be on board. There for I want lil_lady there. It did not end up going through and SO has since gone to parallel parenting now. No bargaining with crazy pants!

I'm also faced with this. BM of my husbands 6 yo suggested about a month ago that 6yo needs therapy for changes in her behavior and also because 6yo has continued health problems and doctors have suggested that stress in her living situation may be contributing towards it.

BM and my husband are proposing that the 3 of them attend therapy together. My husband accepts that this is very likely a vehicle for the BM to try to get back together with him, but is adamant that he is not interested in that. I believe him.

They have discussed what they would like the therapy to cover and it seems to be mainly that they want to check how their daughter is doing and to learn ways for both of them to talk to and listen to her concerns about her living as part of a divorced family in an age appropriate way, as it is something that is generally just overlooked by them both currently feeling that she is too young to have those kind of conversations. There was some talk of their daughters behavior being addressed, but to be honest she seems just fine to us and we think that it is either her mother does not respond well to usual child tantrums or older child relatives are having an adverse affect on her or simply she doesn't understand what is going on around her and is playing up because of that. The second part that they agree they want to work on is their own communication and on building a better relationship so that they can co-parent better. This is where questions as to BM intention come to play. And my husband seems to be under the impression that in order to overcome their communication issues they will have to go over issues from their previous relationship that led to their divorce, he feels uncomfortable about this. I disagree with him on that issue and say that what they should focus on is the present and the future not what occurred in the past.

Anyway, what we do agree on is that BM needs therapy. Weather this is the right way to go about it is another question. I feel uncomfortable about them dragging up issues from their marriage but I trust that my husband has moved on from BM and is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with her. But I do worry that she will see the intimacy of therapy as them rekindling their relationship and it won't help her to move on and get over her ex so that they can have a functioning co-parenting relationship.

So I have mixed feelings about this. I also know that both of them are not very proactive about therapy and have discussed it in the past on an individual basis and agreed that they would both go separately, but neither of them has, so I half expect this to go the same way and end in inaction.

Co-Parenting counseling is very common in California. It is usually part of the custody order. My S/O has to make time to see a co-parenting counseler every week to try to work things out with BM.

seems to me that this COUPLES counseling should have been done BEFORE the divorce. divorce changes everything, it is the end. high conflict with the ex spouses should be handled through parallel parenting. sitting down with one's ex spouse in counseling is a betrayal of the current relationship, because it's NOT just about the kids. it covers how the exes relate to each other. another poster even said that they had to go back over the old relationship to figure out what went wrong. great, keep the focus on his old marriage, and allow them to feel regretful that they even broke up. seems to me your dh's interest should be more centered on his CURRENT marriage and listening to his WIFE who is expressing being uncomfortable with it, and doing what he can to make sure his child is dealing well via his own relationship with her. hey, if he wants to pursue this, let him. i, on the other hand, would be COUNSELING with a divorce attorney. especially with how your dh talks his ex up. you are correct, it IS intimate and your husband is pushing his ex into because he wants the intimacy with her.

My partner once had a mediation agreement with counseling as a requirement for he and BM to work out their coparenting issues. They attended three sessions together and never did it again. It wasn't terribly productive. BM used it as a crying/victim session each time.

I wouldn't be ok with it.

In my state, both parents have to go to co-parenting counseling before they can get divorced. How patronizing is that? How about people who were never married? I swear these state laws make no sense at all.

Not everyone comes out of a divorce knowing how to co-parent or parallel parent. The dynamics are different when you no longer live together, have different partners, and are trying to raise a child where you both must communicate. I'm sure it's necessary for the child's sake. I wouldn't take it that the counseling is to help them relate to each other as much as it is in how to set aside their differences and work for the best interest of the child.

Having said that, I would not be comfortable with that either. My SO's ex is manipulative and only cares about mind games. Make sure you trust your partner and that you fully understand his ex's motives. You are part of the equation now so your feelings and communication style should be taken into consideration.

I totally get your DH's motives. The only problem is, BM is high conflict. In order for therapy to work, BOTH parties need to admit they have work to do and want a similar goal; a peaceful co-parenting relationship.

If your BM can acknowledge that's what she wants and that she has to work on herself to get there, then you probably don't need therapy.

Otherwise, "therapy" just becomes a means for the two of them to point fingers at each other in hopes of getting the therapist to side with them.

Our BM suggested this for her and DH. He refused. I can't imagine it being productive at all.

what specifically is parallel parenting? i did some googling and it basically sounds like parenting with no communication between parents. how does this work?

Yes counseling for co-parenting is normal. Sometimes its court ordered, like it was for my DH and BM.

BM tried to convince DH to do this last year. DH keeps encouraging SS & SD to get into counseling to help them find their ways out of the rut of being useless, helpless, non-productive, & completely dependent that BM has conditioned them to (that she is in as well).

SS asked DH if he'd be willing to attend with him to try to sort out & re-build their relationship. DH told him he'd be there any time.

DH asked BM about it & she wants her & DH to go to counseling to "sort out their relationship". When DH told her there was no relationship to sort out she got pissed & won't take the kids for any of it.

IMO, there's no reason for ex's to attend counseling together unless they're making an effort to reconcile. The only thing they need to do is learn to practice basic communication with each other. They can do that through mediation.

When I think of counselors, I think of someone who encourages people to express & discuss their feelings. No need for ex's to get so intimate & private again. All they need to do is communicate facts about children. Seems to me like counseling is something that would encourage crossing boundaries that have no business being crossed. Especially if they've moved on to other relationships. It's too personal & emotional.

FDH and his ex had FSD in counseling. BM was constantly trying to get to have a session with just the two them. Didn't fly, but she tried.