I'm sorry you're going through this

Maybe he's afraid he will love SS less than the child he has full-time and feels guilty about that? Maybe he's concerned SS will get relegated to the back burner? I don't know. I think these are things worth discussing with him. Maybe he'd agree to counseling to help you both get on the same page about this? I don't know.

I do know how it feels to be jealous of BM because she got to have two healthy, beautiful kids with DH while I did not. To top it all off, she's not even a fit parent.

It might be a good idea to talk with DH about how SS' lack of hygiene can and likely will cause him health problems and to get bullied by his peers. Go online and find some good articles on this and print them off to show DH so he'll see that you aren't attacking his parenting or SS, but want to help SS.

(((HUGS)))

How long have you been together?

It sounds to me like you may have had some unrealistic expectations to begin with. You can't really choose to have a girl. What if you got pregnant with a boy?

I agree with BLM--before you go crying the world over, make sure it wasn't just a reaction to a bad day. Sometimes things come out of our mouths that we don't really mean, even though we feel it at the time.

If he does mean it quite permanently, well then he's a super asshole but you can't force him to have more kids. At the same time, he cannot stop you from having a child of your own. You could tell him you're dropping by the local sperm bank to talk about your options. If he doesn't like that idea, then it's his own damn fault.

I know that's not the point. I know you probably love your husband very much and want a child with HIM specifically, and it hurts that he doesn't want one with you. But think about that long and hard. If he really doesn't want one with you, then you need to let go of having one with him. What is worth more to you: having a child of your own, or pleasing your husband? It may be that you cannot do both.

That would be a deal breaker for me. He misled you. That is wrong. You married him and now he thinks he can recant what he said? You will end up resenting him and DEFINITELY resenting his son. I would have a serious talk with him. Tell him you want a baby or you will find another man who will be willing to give you one. If my husband told me today he did not want another child and he was serious about it I would head to the courthouse and file papers. No man will take away my right and wish to be a Mother!!

I hate to say it, but I would not even bother talking with him. The fact is that even if he tells you now that he's changed his mind, any issues you later have because of money, stress, etc...he WILL blame you and say "I had a kid because you wanted one, not my problem."

I think you need to either deal with his decision, which I believe will NEVER make you happy and you will end up resenting his son and him even more...or, the best option is to MOVE ON and OUT of his life.

There are plenty of men without kids. Do not live your life in misery because of his decisions and do NOT bring a child into this world when his dad doesn't want him. Only you and your child will pay the price.

PS - I do NOT believe he does not have a right to change his mind...I also do NOT believe women have a right to make someone a father that does not want to be one. You DO have a right to be a mother if you so wish, but without him...and that does not include going to a sperm bank, getting pregnant and then making him have a life with another child YOU chose to have.

I agree with herewegoagain. Your DH may have really meant it when he said he wanted a child with you but now things have changed. Find out if he really feels that way, go to counseling if you guys need to and if he still really doesn't want any more children, then decide whether that is a deal-breaker for you. It is better that he tell you he changed his mind NOW, than after the baby is on the way. If you don't think so, imagine going into labor and then having DH tell you on the way to the hospital, "I'm sorry, I really never wanted this. I'm filing for divorce. I won't be there for the birth." Uh, this actually happened to someone in my MOMS Club. Turns out she went off her birth control without telling him because she knew he didn't want kids but thought he might change his mind after she got pregnant. Nope.

I do believe that you should NEVER, EVER FORCE SOMEONE TO HAVE A CHILD WHEN THEY DON'T WANT ONE. It's akin to someone tying you down, impregnating you, and then holding you financially and legally responsible to raise that child until adulthood. You would probably be angry and resentful. Don't guilt your DH into it either.

How many of us have seen first-hand the damage that has been to done to children and parents when the other parent doesn't want the children they have? How would you feel, after holding your baby in your arms, that your DH doesn't want her? How would your daughter feel when she's 7 or 15 or 31, knowing that her father only had her cause you guilted him into it? Find out if he really means what he is saying, decide if you can live with it, and if you can't, leave him now so you both can move on as soon as possible.

He is reneging on the deal. I'd say a good talk and maybe even counseling to figure out why. He needs to realize he can't make a unilateral decision on this since he told you he would do this. I imagine this was part of the deal of you two getting married and staying together, that you were going to get a family of your own.

Yep-been there. I just got through an Anullment. It is THE reason to get your marriage anulled and move on. It might be easier if you get him to put it in writing/text/note. He is being deceitful and selfish, basically wants you to raise HIS kids for free. Been there. Run!

Communication communication communication. I know that it is tough to be talking about kids and your focus and plans together as a couple constantly but I have found that is is completely necessary especially when dealing with ex wives, step kids and drama drama drama.

Your dreams and desires for your relationship need to be seen as just as important as his needs and desires for you to be a SM to his children. It is not fair that you have to sacrifice parts of your life (and what probably started out as a dream to have a family of YOUR own not sharing someone elses) in order to spend the rest of your life making this second family the best that it can be and putting your dreams to the side.

Divorce him. Make your dreams come true.