My partners daughters are so fussy!
Does anyone have advice for fussy children I'm reaching the end of my tether with my partners two daughters who are 8 and 10, I have 2 Boys (10 and 12) and they have always been quite easy going (although have the odd meltdown so not perfect) they eat well and like going out and trying new things, the girls on the other hand are total opposite they have an opinion on everything they are very cautious about trying things and their mother seems to have allowed this behaviour and encourages it which is making my parenting particularly difficult when they are at our house. If we decide to go out somewhere as a family guarantee they won't want to do the chosen activity and will cry and whine until it's too stressful to go out, eating out and mealtimes are a nightmare they refuse most of my meals (particularly the oldest) and say they don't like it and it irritates me because their dad will feed them sandwiches and crisps if they don't eat my cooking, they hate going out to restaurants and will completely refuse to even try simply because they don't like the look of it and it's got to the point where my children are missing out because it's easier to cook foods at home that the girls will eat which basically consists of variations of chicken and pasta and not much else! Their mother even had the nerve to text and give a list of foods they like which includes expensive brand foods. They speak to their dad like they are the parent it really annoys me and they are very good at trying to get my children into trouble also by winding them up then running to daddy when the boys give it back, then I have to discipline the boys when i don't feel I should. They seem to have their dad wrapped round their little fingers he adores them and will always give in to them, it appears their mother wants to encourage them to have their own free opinions and support them in their decisions but I just feel it's teaching them to be very manipulative in getting what they want and not setting them up for the real world! Am I being too harsh? I've read that step parents are more critical than bio parents and I can't help feeling that they are a total burden when they are with us which is 4 days a week, I feel terrible that I have these feelings about them and struggling to bond with them since me and my partner moved in together which was 6 months ago.
1. Do what you want with
1. Do what you want with your own kids sometimes... if your DH needs to stay at home with his girls then oh well.
2. If your DH wants to feed his girls sandwiches, that is "on him" and as long as you aren't being expected to make special accommodations, it shouldn't matter to you.
3. Try to alternate activities where his girls get a turn at picking the movie or saturday afternoon fun. But, explain that since THEY got their turn that means sometimes others will pick things they will have to put up with.
4. Your boys are going to have to learn the "higher road" and yes you have to punish the boys too. BUT in my house, my parents did not try to referee the fights... if there is a dust up then BOTH kids get the punishment. They refused to listen to the he said/she said arguments. Both sets of kids get a time out. The girls will tire of that (if they are to blame) if they still get in trouble.
Oh.. and don't worry about
Oh.. and don't worry about "bonding". Let things take a natural course. I think it works best if we just let these things develop in a more organic way. I would expect respect in my home.. but the happy family fantasy may never happen. His girls may not see you as a mother figure and you may not "love them like your own" and that's ok. your job is to support your DH in his care of his kids. He can deal with them if they cause issues.
Thank you, you are right I
Thank you, you are right I have tried taking my two out when they are here but it causes problems between myself and my partner as he thinks I'm ignoring the girls. It's got to the point that I often go and sit in another room because the constant whining irritates me, the youngest is always demanding attention from her dad even when we have visitors she will drape herself over him and keep interrupting our conversations to get attention, both girls find it impossible to amuse themselves. My partner thinks they are so cute when they do the whiny voice! If I talk to my partner about it, it sounds like I'm moaning about the girls then he will say things about my children and it escalates into a row. I do find it really hard to say anything authoritative to the girls because they often talk to me like a stranger and not a step parent.
I think your husband needs to
I think your husband needs to understand that sometimes it's ok for both of you to do things with your own kids without the other kids around.
It's not that you are ignoring his girls, but if his girls aren't willing or able to do certain things that your children enjoy, why should your children suffer?
When you do something with your kids, it's an opportunity for him to do something with HIS.
Perhaps he has a "male mindset" in that he thinks that taking care of the kids is women's work... so he expects you to feed them, entertain them etc... Now, there still might be a division of labor in your home where you do more cooking and he does lawn stuff, but that doesn't mean he can't spend meaningful time with his own kids.
I might approach it like this:
"Honey, I like your girls, I really do. But, they don't always want to do the same things that my kids enjoy. Sometimes, I also struggle to take them places because they don't seem to want to listen to me when I ask them to do things. Because it isn't fair for my kids to have to give up things that they like and your girls don't, I think it's important that I still try to take some time to do those things with my girls. I'm sure that there are things your girls like that mine don't enjoy and that's an opportunity for you to do things with them one on one too. Just because we don't do every single activity as a family unit, it doesn't mean that we don't care about each other and aren't a family. So, let's agree that doing things with our own kids is OK as long as there are things we also do as a family alright?"