My 18yo stepdaughter is bisexual
Hi brand new to the site and I hope this post is in the right area. I need help with my stepdaughter, she is Bisexual and not open about it at all. She and her "best friend" of 3 years have broken up and my daughter is heartbroken and unable to talk with anyone about it. At least I don't know if she talks to anyone about it, but she needs to. I never told my wife I know about her daughters sexuality but I know she wonders about it. I only know because of things I've seen and heard at home. I have tried to reach out to my daughter with out forcing the issue and being supportive but she will not open up. Have I screwed up by trying to talk to her? I worry about her constantly, she cries all the time, wont eat, gets sick when she does. Should I try to talk to her again? Or have I done all I can to this point? Please help and thank you.
first do you have a good
first do you have a good relationship with her?
If yes take her somewhere out of the house where it isn't intimating. get her mind off of everything and have a good day with her. Then when the day is coming to an end talk to her about it. try to make sure she know your not judging her, and you haven't been talking about this to her mother. But talk. My dad and I talk about everything and it wasn't always like that at first ok for 16 years we didn't talk much at all. That was until I got the courage when I was 17 to get out of an abusive relationship, my dad was there not judging just there to listen, it help get me out of my depression and we became even closer. He said that he knew something was off about my relationship but he couldn't figure it out and that he was always there for me. Just be there for her.
Why have you not talked to
Why have you not talked to your wife about it? It is one thing to keep it secret if you simply question it, but I feel if you know your SD is struggling with issues that her mother is unaware of...that's something you shouldn't keep from your wife.
If you're wanting to help your SD, I think you should let your wife in on what's happening, & either she or both of you could approach your SD with it.
I personally don't think this is something to tackle on your own.
but if he tells and talks
but if he tells and talks about it to his wife his SD could get the idea that he is running to her mom and "telling on Her" Coming out is a hard thing for people to do and if she thinks her family is talking about her it could make the situation worse. She has to be the one to tell certain people because it is her life and her choice. If he goes to her concerned about the change in behavior he has notice it is a lot less threatening then Mom and SDad comforting her about her big secrete.
I can only speak from what I
I can only speak from what I know, which honestly in this area isn't a lot. I've never been a bi-sexual 18-year old & I've never had a stepdad, but I can speak as a wife.
If it were my daughter & my husband knew my child was struggling with something like this & didn't enlighten me, I'd be pissed. I'd be hurt to know that he didn't have enough faith in my ability to support my child when she needed a parent to be there. I'd be hurt to know that he didn't give me the opportunity to "be there" the way she needed me to "be there".
I wouldn't feel it was my husband's place to deal with something like this behind my back.
I don't know what kind of relationship he has with his SD, but I think as a mother I would be a little weirded out about my husband discussing my child's personal sexualality with her & trying to get her to "come out" to him while leaving me in the dark.
If a successful step-home has the spouses presenting united, addressing something like this leaving one in the dark...in my opinion it's hardly united.
Again, it's just my personal take on it.
I know what you're saying and
I know what you're saying and honestly would agree with much of what you said. My SD is dealing with a lot of stuff, her dad being an idiot, her adjustment to adulthood and collage, and missing the friends that are going off to collage and aren't here anymore. Not to mention the heartbreak. She's not big on change and she's got a lot of it. My wife is very involved with helping her thru all of it except the latter. I never put a label on her relationship with her girlfriend. I did tell her that I knew her heart was broken and know why and left it at that. I only ever offered her my personal experiences with being alone and dealing with a broken heart and my desire to help ease her pain. It's very nice to know that there is someone who loves you that understands what you're going thru. No my wife would not be happy with my talking to her but she would understand why I choose to do it without her. I did what I thought was best for my SD and if that means my wife being mad at me if/when she finds out then so be it. I don't have children of my own but I consider my stepchildren my children and put them before everything. There was nothing weird about talking to my SD, and if my wife thought I was capable of "weirding her out" when dealing with her children then I wouldn't expect she would have married me. Besides she cuts me some slack being a first time parent:) Thanks for all the responses and I plan on using this resource often.
Glad to hear that you are so
Glad to hear that you are so concerned. I would say that you should just try to spend as much time with her as possible, doing things that she might enjoy. If she wants to open up, she will. Just be there for her. Also, maybe don't talk about her sexuality, but just talk about heartbreak. Share your experiences. Don't make it awkward by saying "I know you like girls". She may not be ready to come out to anyone yet. Good luck!
I think "outing" someone,
I think "outing" someone, even to their own parents with best intentions, is wrong. She's 18...she's entitled to come out on her own. I would talk to her...give her some support numbers to call and talk with objective others...and remind her that her mother loves her and will support her. She's lucky to have you!
It's vry hard to be bisexual.
It's vry hard to be bisexual. I know this only because I have a friend who is genuinely bisexual. Sometimes when you really are attracted to both sexes you can feel really alone. This is because to most people "bisexual" means: you're really gay but like the label bisexual better because it still leaves you a connection with str8 people, or that this is a "way station" and when you're comfortable you'll come out as gay., or that you're just kidding yourself.
This can leave a truly bisexual person very confused and feeling that no one understands them. Further more the LGBT community can be somewhat cold toward them, because they may have several relationships and be closer to the gay community when there with a same sex partner than when their with someone of the opposite sex. My friend felt that it might have been easier to be gay because there is "less to explain".
The good news is because she's a girl she may find being accepted easier because, this sort of thing is seen as something that " women do". I would let her know, somehow, that human sexuality can be fluid sometimes and there isn't a label for every person, but you must allow her to come out on her own.