I totally understand how you feel. I guess some people just have the ability to form a bond with someone else's kids and others don't. I feel no sort of connection with my DH's kids. Don't think I ever will. I tried, like you did. And gave up. They do things that annoy the shit out of me, too. Same sort of eating habits as your SD. Slurping spaghetti into their mouths and sticking basically their whole heads into their drinking glasses like a toddler would. It's hard because they are raised in a way that you wouldn't raise them. Babied. That I think is part of the reason I started to get so annoyed and just avoided/ignored them. But it won't get any easier if you ask me. If you aren't even married yet and already thinking of leaving then that may be your best bet. Unless you love you BF enough to try and atleast not be so disengaged toward SD. It will only cause more issues between the two of you. I am in the process of trying to make myself put on a fake ass smile and try to have some sort of conversation with DH's kids when they are over. Just because I know it would make DH happy if I changed my attitude a little. He knows I'm not interested in being 'step mom' to them and doesn't expect me to do anything for them. He knows I feel no sort of connection with them. But he just wants me to have a better attitude when they are around. If you can do that, then stay. If not, it is probably better to part ways.

I don't know that I have any good advice to give because I'm in the same boat.
Most days I do not want to have anything to do with SD6. I'm always waiting for the tantrums and screaming to start. She is a sweet little girl when she isn't having a tantrum, but the bonding is difficult and I do dread her being here. I also have, irrational, bad feelings when she mentions her mom all the fucking time. Her mom is an idiot. It does hurt my feelings when she comes back from her mom's house and won't ask me if she can do something but will go whisper to her sister, SD15. I try to remember that she is 6years old and remind myself where her behavior is coming from, but it is still awful.

Do you think the intensity of your feelings toward SD are due to the pressure your bf is putting on you to love his daughter? It's hard to enjoy another person when you aren't allowed to develop your own relationship with them because you're simply expected to have a certain type of relationship. In the beginning I did not get along with SS5 (then 3) at all. He seemed snotty, mopey, and manipulative. I finally talked to FDH (then bf) about it and he agreed that we needed to make some changes. Now we get along great and I can't imagine my life without SS5. I genuinely love this kid, and I started out having the same dread feelings about his presence as you are. What helped me is being able to make decisions about how SS would conduct himself in our home. FDH supported me in demanding respect from SS and it completely changed our relationship. You're the adult in the relationship and you should have the ability to accept or reject certain behaviors from any children under your roof.

I think your husband sleeping in her room for days on end is also a big problem. I know the few times this happened with my FDH I felt rejected and devalued as his partner. There is no reason he should not be in your bed every night. In our case, ss2 was going through some sort of "scream all night" phase so FDH felt he needed to sleep in the room to comfort him. However, we talked about how that simply reinforced the bad behavior and worked out a system to stop the problem altogether. So, it is probably easy for your bf to have a relationship with your son because you're not rejecting him to sleep in your son's bedroom. This is just a guess, but stepfathers are also usually allowed more say-so when it comes to discipline, so as a step-father your bf may have had a much more secure position to shape a relationship with your son than you do with his daughter.

Another thing that helped me in the beginning is separating myself completely from the step-mom position. I tried to think of myself as aunt instead, a family member who had the ability to discipline the kids when they needed it without the pressure of being "mom". Now I'm sort of drifting into the step mom position, but it took a very long time and alot of patience and understanding from FDH. Do you think that's something that might work for you? It took a ton of pressure off my shoulders not to even worry about being a mother figure in their lives.

SS5 still talks about his mom alot and I don't think it's meant to be hurtful. She's a big part of his life and none of us have really let on that there is any problem between parents. It's not really his responsibility to worry about that situation. Sometimes it bothers me, especially when she sends him in with loaded questions, but I try to push past it and I think it makes him feel more secure knowing he can talk about anything he feels the need to discuss. Last week he came in and told us that "mommy had a new purse." I hate hearing about her at all, but I tried to be supportive of him so I said "too cool" or something along those lines. An hour later he told me that he and I ought to go purse shopping together. lol.

Good luck!

A Bio dad also....

FO1B, How would you understand what it is like to be a stepmother and have these kids thrown into your life and have them (and the BM) always between you and your SO?

I think you need to be on this site longer than 22 mins and to read the heart-wrenching stories BEFORE you make comments!

IMHO

I think it's hard to bond with children that belong to others when we see the children are being turned into monsters due to over coddling and being granted spousal status(ie:sleeping in the child's bed for two days).That shows the child she is above the spouse in ALL regards including intimate sleeping arrangements.I think it's ok for him to lay with her for a bit until she feels safe or whatever but to sleep with her both nights?!I think that's a tad inappropriate.if it's an issue of the child being frightened to be alone,he could have made a little bed on the floor next to the marital bed for her to sleep temporarily.My grandma used to do that for me and I LOVED it.I felt like I was camping and I felt safe bc my grandma was right there in her bed.

"Sometimes", just sometime, it is quite hard to "bond" with anything that reminds you of demon spawn. (literally)

Like " Rosemary's Baby" or something like that.

I mean, everyone and everything does need love but leave that to the crusaders or whatever.

FO1B.....what are you doing on this site? Are you in a step situation?....cos if you're not, you will not find this a place that you can relate to.

There are plenty of other sites, for bio-dads. Be a good boy and toodle and find one.

Fo1B...Actually I am a very laid-back person. Just need to make sure that STalkers have a relaxed place to vent here. Venting is how you let your frustrations out here on a site like this and in that way not hurt those around you. You should try it...

FOB1, perhaps you should consider one of the other step sites, the warm fuzzy type. You are welcome to your opinion, but your comments have the feel of attack and we quite frankly don't appreciate that here. We come here to vent and to offer support and advice, not to judge.

If you're going to be a turd, go lay in the yard.

FO1B-

Will you write a blog for all of us then and tell us how you did it? ( please?)

comical * even...

and, thank you. (smiles)

"Wow. Just wow. I am blown away by your selfishness."
"you clearly have no love for anyone other than your own and yourself"
"He needs to wake up and walk away from you before you destroy his daughters life"
"Another comment from someone who *thinks* they know what they are talking about"
"Seems you get worked up real easy. Guess I'm hitting a soft spot"
"Seems as though you're the 'angry' one, trying to rail me with being dumped comments. Quite commical, actually."
"Awww are we the spelling police too? That's so cute! You do have a place in life, now don't you?"

All comments posted by F01B. The kicker was this comment:

"I'm not looking to hurt anyone."

Yeah, I think I will be the judge of that for MYSELF.

FO1B- Then why are you here too? Blog and enlighten us, please ?

( smiles)

bfk, i'm thinking fo1b is one of those pathetically miserable souls who can only find happiness telling complete strangers about his "imaginary perfect" life. for some people "pretend" is all they have!

otherwise, why would someone with such a perfect blended fam seek out a "vent" site??

peace to all!

This is in no way helping the OP. Both sides have a point. Sometimes it really is better to scroll on by when you read something you don't agree with. EVERYONE has a right to feel anyway they want to feel and have any opinions they want to have. This is a public forum.

As much as it hurts to hear another side, I think having an opposite opinion is a good thing because MAYBE someone might be able to take something away from it. Coddling someone is not going to help their situation. However, there are much better ways of stating your difference of opinion. Judge the behavior not the person. Afterall, we all live in glass houses.

OP, you really need to sit down and talk candidly to your guy. The girl is only six. It is natural that her parents are the center of her world at this age. I can tell you from experience that she is not talking about her mother to piss you off.It is also entirely possible that even though you are not showing any outward signs of how you feel about her, she can feel the animosity and reacts to it.

There is a very good possiblity that your relationship will not work out with this guy either by your hand or his. Just as you are protective of your son, he is protective of his daughter. He may decide that your relationship is not worht the long term affect your feelings can have on his daughter.

I think the important thing for you to remember is that she already has a mother. She doesn't need you to mother her. You should come up with some agreed upon house rules that she must follow at your house and forget about trying to make her into what you want her to be. That's really her parent's job. You really don't have a vested interest. I think you'll be much happier and ultimately your BF will be too.

i dont think people want to be sobbed for.i think we're all hoping for constructive criticism instead of such 'right between the eyes'shooting.i like hearing the truth but when i'm feeling low and vulnerable already it doesn't help to have someone be mean just to get their opinion out to me.i don't need a pity party but i personally receive critical words better when it comes from a place of caring.make sense?i can't speak for everyone,this is just how i see things.

FO1B-it isn't because you gave a differing opinion than everyone else, it is the way you put it. You can put your opinion in a different, non-judmental way and nothing would be said. You are intentionally being antagonistic just to get a reaction out of everybody. You got a reaction and now you are putting down good women for being defensive over a outwardly judmental comment. Sounds to me, like you are the one who has a "miserable existence" if you have nothing better to do than to stir up shit on a venting website.

What's selfish is staying in a relationship with someone who has a child, not caring about her, distancing yourself from her, doing all you can to have nothing to do with her, all the while waiting for her to turn 18 and "leave."
I don't know if you know this, but children NEVER leave. Your child is your child until the day you die.

You ARE selfish. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that necessarily, it's a choice you made. Being selfish can be a good thing sometimes. But being selfish is a choice and your choices affect others - your behavior is also a choice and that choice affects this little girl and how she feels. You may not have known what you were getting into, but you do now. And yet you continue to stay, waiting for this little girl to just leave. Wow. There is something worse than hatred - indifference. And that's how you're treating this little person. Does she deserve that? Does anyone deserve that?

The right thing to do would be to leave this relationship so that you can find someone better suited to your situation and this man can find someone better suited to his... someone who will love and care for his child. He deserves that and so does his child. THAT would be the loving and unselfish thing to do.

But that's your choice. Only you can make it.