How do I get past my hatred for BM?
I truly cannot stand my SS6's BM. She is the epitome of laziness, bad parenting and selfishness. I have tried to be kind in the past but nothing is ever appreciated by her. Just when she and DH come to an agreement about something she changes things up to suit her because she was too stupid to think things through in the first place. I no longer go with my DH to pick up SS6 or drop him off. I no longer communicate with BM in any way unless absolutely necessary but I do have to deal with her child - who is a conniving little thing. He lies, won't follow the rules, and constantly is working an angle to get his way. He IS very smart. I am older than my DH and have been at this parenting thing for a long time. I have two ex-husbands (one son with each) and we all get along just fine with none of the drama BM of SS6 can produce. Should I just accept that her lack of maturity is the problem and therefore she doesn't know what she's doing (which is raising 3 little future lazy welfare recipients like herself) or continue to stand firm in my beliefs and my rules of the household. The house was mine before DH and I married. It has gotten to the point where I spend every weekend that SS6 is with us angry and irritated because we have to re-train him all over again in even the simplest tasks - like eating with utensils instead of his fingers.
Mad?? Oh yes!! SS6 is
Mad?? Oh yes!! SS6 is allowed to do pretty much whatever he wants at BM's house because if she bothered to pay attention to any of her children she would have to actually get off the couch and move away from the TV! Every time he is at our house it is a battle. And when I or DH tell him to stop an inappropriate behavior he says "But mom lets me." GRRRRRR!!!!!!
I, until recently, was trying to help out all parties by taking SS6 to school on the Mondays after he was at our house. I'm simple the transportation. I did it so my DH could have more time with his son and it frees up two Mondays a month for her that she doesn't have to get him ready for school. Keep in mind I was doing this on my DAY OFF. Every time I would receive text messages or phone calls telling me what I did wrong. I told her that I was just taking him to school and if she had an issue she should discuss it with DH. I still caught the heat. Any pointers??
And I know how to interact with the ex's spouse. My oldest son has a SM that is simply wonderful! She shows respect where needed and truly loves my son as if he were her own. DH's ex just doesn't get the fact that she isn't the center of the universe anymore; her kids are.
I have been through this and
I have been through this and am still going through this. The retraining, the anger, the manipulation, the rules... and yes, it is the BM fault. The way I handle things is like this... I GIVE UP! I will do the bare minimum for the children. I will cook. I will tell them to clean, I will make then do the chores... but I disappear.... I do not allow the CHILDREN to dictate my emotional state any longer. All I tell them now is "One day you all will know the truth". And I walk away....
Well, recognize that having
Well, recognize that having been a parent longer than DH really doesn't mean much to your DH and SS.
Let your DH parent his child the way he chooses.
I'll bet you parented your sons the way you wanted, and I know I parent as I see fit.
And you get past your hatred of BM by realizing that it affects no one but yourself. That hatred takes away from YOUR quality of life, not hers.
It's entirely practical. Just
It's entirely practical.
Just lots of SMs don't WANT to let their DH's parent their own kids.
BTW, "accepting things will never change" is what happens when you let DH parent his kid as he sees fit.
OK, I like what you had to
OK, I like what you had to say, StickAFork, but when SS6 is slowly destroying things in my home that I worked hard to earn and have taught my sons to respect I just see red. Furniture isn't for jumping on. Plain and simple. I ask him to clean his room, and I by no means expect perfection, and it takes all day because of the drama and lies and whining. I have tried to withdraw myself from SS6 and let DH parent him but I'm not going to sit by and let SS6 ruin my home. Let's put it this way - he's never going to use markers in my house again.
Well, cleaning his room and
Well, cleaning his room and jumping on your furniture are different. He wants to live in squalor? So what. Let him. HE is the one who has to deal with it (and your DH if he wants.)
No jumping on furniture. Personally, I'd have DH buy it so when it's destroyed he can see your point. However, in this case, tell the kid to knock it off. }:)
A 6 year old should NEVER have non-washable markers. Ever. Sounds like you learned that one the hard way!
You will eventually get to a
You will eventually get to a point where you just pity her, instead of hating her.
Submitted by StickAFork on
Submitted by StickAFork on Fri, 12/07/2012 - 12:19pm.
Well, recognize that having been a parent longer than DH really doesn't mean much to your DH and SS.
Let your DH parent his child the way he chooses.
I'll bet you parented your sons the way you wanted, and I know I parent as I see fit.
And you get past your hatred of BM by realizing that it affects no one but yourself. That hatred takes away from YOUR quality of life, not hers.
^^^^^I agree. Try this: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html