How to critique bio-mom's parenting
I have been with my girlfriend and her now 3 and a half year old daughter for over over two years. When we met, I knew very little about parenting and so I deferred to her on almost everything. Overall, my girlfriend is a very good mother, but there are some things she does that I highly disagree with. Without giving examples, most of it has to do with over-spoiling and not providing a consistent routine/structure with well defined roles (if that makes any sense).
Over the last two years, I have tried really hard to be a consistent presence in the child's life (if I make a rule, I stick to it, etc), and when I am alone with the child acts completely differently (eats dinner without complaints, etc.) because she knows I am not going to cave and let her just eat crackers for dinner (for example).
When I bring this up with my girlfriend, she either dismisses what I am saying (not sure if she feels insulted or honestly disagrees with me) or she says she agrees with me but doesn't do anything differently. How do I talk with her or get her to realize that she's not being the best parent she can be?
You know, I think the best
You know, I think the best thing you can do is come from a perspective of love, of wanting to help her, wanting the family to be the best it can be...
DH is the stepdad here. If he has a concern or wants to broach a subject that he thinks I might feel defensive about, he comes to me in a way that makes me feel like he's not criticizing me, that he's wanting to help me or make things better as a team.
He'll say something like, "Hon, can we talk about something? It's been bothering me and I want to talk with you about it." And I'll say, "Sure," because, of course, I want to help him. So, he'll say something like, "I want you to know that I think you are an amazing, loving mother and I know that we both do the best we can. I know you love our kids with all of your heart and that you and both want the best for them. That's why I need your help with some issues that I see cropping up..." and then he goes into the specifics with me. We make a list of the things we need to do - we don't fight, we don't accuse or blame - we discuss, plan and initiate our objectives. We're a team, we have to function that way.
Maybe you could try something like that and see how it goes. It might not change things immediately, but if you go about things with a loving attitude, you'll see things swing around gradually.
Best regards.
Thanks for the fast comments.
Thanks for the fast comments. Its nice to know other people are in the same position, even if there is no quick fix. BTW, I am new to the site and I do not understand all the short-hand. I get that SS5 or SD3 means 5 year old step-son or 3 year old step-daughter, etc. but what does DH mean (I get that you are referring to the child's biological father, your significant other)? Is it (bio)Dad-Husband?
Thanks everyone!