Help - Jealous of my boyfriend's daughter
Hi, I'm new to this website.
I have been with my bf for over a year. He is French and I am English. I moved to France to be with him 4 months ago. I don't speak a word of French but am slowly learning. He has a 12 year old daughter (she is not really his, but his ex-gf's daughter whom he considers as his own.)who is nice and I would like to get to know her, but the problem is I'm jealous of her and it's more the way my bf makes me feel when she is around that is causing the problem, in my eyes, than the girl herself.
At first we did French-English exchange courses together where I would teach her english and in return she would teach me french, the problem I found was that I was teaching her more english than she was teaching me french. She has been learning english for two years at school, whilst I am just learning french, but still my bf feels the need to translate everything we say in english for her but won't bother to translate everything they say for me. It makes me feel left out and feeling like a gooseberry. I have explained this to him, but he says she is a child, but I have explained that she probably understands more of what we say in english than he thinks she does.
On my birthday he invited her over, and instead of asking me what I would like to do, we did what she wanted to do. This annoyed me as this was my first birthday in France with him and it would have been nice for me to spend my day how I wanted, not how he or she wanted. He won't allow me to watch English films or programmes without French subtitles when she is around but will happily make me watch french films without english subtitles, which again makes me feel left out when they laugh at what is being said. I'm tired of always asking him to translate for me and wish he would automatically trabslate for me the way he does for her. I have even on one occassion taken my laptop in to the bedroom and watched english programmes over the internet on my own whilst they sit in the living room watching french tv together. He says he wants us to spend time together, but when she is here he seems to ignore me, but says I am making trouble when I try to tell him.
She never asks me how I am, and it is starting to grate on my beacuse I feel like she is not really interested in how I am, again he says she is only a child, in my mind, she is nearly a teenager and it is lack of manners not to ask someone how they are.
He is very defensive of her, she can do no wrong in his eyes, and to be honest she is a good girl, which makes this all more hard, because I want to know her as she is a good kid, but the way he makes me feel makes it so hard for me to want to be with them. He has confessed that in his previous relationships that the girl has been a problem because none of the women could accept that he had such strong feelings or was so attached to someone that wasn't his, so I know this is not all in my head, like he seems to beleive it is. He is depserate to have children of his own, and we have even discussed trying for one next year, but in the meantime I don't know what to do, beacuse I really don't want to be with them when they are together, as it just leads us to argue, but if I decide to make plans to not be around when she is coming over he gets annoyed because I am being anti-social. I just don't know what to do. Other than her, our relationship is perfect.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
No advice, but I find it odd
No advice, but I find it odd that he's so invested in a kid that isn't his. A FEMALE kid about to hit the teen years. If I were her mom I'd nip this in the bud. Sorry if that's old fashioned but that's what I think.
I have a similar problem with
I have a similar problem with my husband. When my SD is there he is rude to me and it's almost like he's waiting for me to do something so he can snap at me. I even goes as far as to almost shun me.
The kid isn't even his and
The kid isn't even his and she's causing issues. RUN.
I'm sorry you're having this
I'm sorry you're having this issue with your significant other. To me, reading your story, he's definitely got problems and this girl is front and center of those problems. She seems to be his 'mini-wife' and he's encouraging her attachment to him in an inappropriate fashion.
I'd have to agree with the fellow posters above - this looks like a no-win situation for you. If I were you, I'd back out of the relationship and move on to someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and hopefully one that doesn't have kids.
I wish you the best and hope you find happiness!
Hi, I'm the original poster -
Hi, I'm the original poster - I should clarify that it is his ex-girlfreinds daughter who he was with for 7 years. The girl was 2 when he got with her mum. The real father I'm led to believe has never been a part of her life, and she consider my bf her father and even calls him that.
Oh and yes I have talked to
Oh and yes I have talked to him about the way I feel, a few times, he says it's all in my head and I'm trying to cause trouble.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your comments, it's been hard to read some of them, but you have all certainly given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your comments, it's been hard to read some of them, but you have all certainly given me a lot to think about.
If you don't mind my
If you don't mind my asking..Does your boyfriend want kids more then a partner?
I agree with the other posts & especially the post from Echo.
Hi Starla He wants kids but
Hi Starla
He wants kids but he also wants a partner, but now I am starting to wonder.......!!
Una, listen to these girls.
Una, listen to these girls. As I sit here nice and comfy on my couch, I just feel SICK for you. He is not worth your time. As a matter of fact, he's an ass. Good luck!
I have heard of other men who
I have heard of other men who take care of a kid that isn't theirs due to the same type of situation, only dad they ever had. Difference is that they are not creepily attached to the point of being disrespectful to the others around them. It is just plain rude to not translate for you and then when you tell him you feel left out he tells you its in your head... ITS NOT! I understand feeling ignored or neglected during kid visits but that is the time he has with his kids, I can take a back seat and we talk when it has gone too far. Your situation is intolerable (to me). He has made it very clear about how much he cares for you. Actions speak louder than words and the fact that he's not even willing to try to compromise or work with you speaks volumes. Get out and find someone who will treat you right! Good luck!
I completely agree with the
I completely agree with the other posters. Get yourself away from this, go back home and think this through. Do you want to stay with a man who treats you like this.
Does this man love you above all others, does he bring out the best in you, does he make you feel strong, confident and self assured. Is he helping to built your self esteem. Does he insist his family and ffiends treat you with respect. More importantly does HE treat you with respect. If so stay.
Or is he treating you in a way he would not even treat a visitor in his home. Is he destroying your confidence and self esteem instead of building it. Is he rude, ill mannered and thoughtless. Does he treat this child in an inappropriate manner. Such as making her the woman of the house over you. Is he giving the child a place in his life that should be reserved for a partner/spouse. If the answer to any one if these is YES. Then leave. Don't kid yourself that in time things will get better. Most importantly don't think a baby will fix it. In telling yourself that what you are really saying is, you have concerns about him loving this girl more than you but as she isn't his biological daughter, you think if you give him his own child, then he will love that child more than her, and somehow by default you. That us not holding yourself in very high esteem Having a baby with him will not make him treat you any better, in fact it will only serve to relegate you to 3rd place in his life.
It is a pretty fair bet you will find yourself having to arrange access visits across the channel with this man for your child. Should that happen could you cope with that. Would you like this man and this girl to bring up your child.
Other women have failed to maintain relationships with him due to this child. Take that as a warning from God and get out.
Finally. I too am concerned about his strong attachment to this young girl. A girl who us not his. I have to wonder what kind of bio parents this girl has, poor kid. I find it odd when fathers allow their own children to break up their marriages. But for this man to allow a young girl who is not even his child to do it over and over again. Something appears not right.
so, it all came to a head a
so, it all came to a head a few weeks ago. I had enough and we had a huge row, where he said things I did not like at all, like making him choose between me and her. I have never asked him to do that and never would, plus some other things were said too.
A few days later we sat down and talked and I was able to calmly tell him how I felt, including all that I mentioned above. Funnily enough he said he noticed that she never asks me how I am, and he has told her to do so many times. He also to my astonishment said he realised that she was causing us problems and that he has noticed that she doesn't try to talk to me. It was a good chat. He said he gets upset when I tell him that she is not his daughter, and I replied that she is not, but if he believes that she is then he needs to be a father and teach her right from wrong,and some respect. Being a father isn't all about having fun. I think he seemed to take on board how I feel, and didn't like some of what I said but he listened anyway. But We'll see.
So far she has not been around much (much to my relief)and just skypes him a few times, and recently he has turned his skype off, which is VERY unlike him, so no-one is able to skype him. Things aren't perfect between us, but i think it's a step in the right direction. On the downside another picture of her has gone up, (which keeps accidentally falling down!), and I am still waiting for a picture of me/ me and him to be added. But I think I can deal with that one myself.
Sounds like he's trying to
Sounds like he's trying to hold on to that past relationship with the girl's mother? Me and my ex stepdad didn't continue to talk and hang out after he divorced my mother. Just sayin'.
I would strongly suggest you
I would strongly suggest you hold off on having a baby for at least 2 years. This is in the best interest if yourself and any future children you may have.
Thank you for your message.
Thank you for your message. I agree, I have noticed that the first instinct of a lot of people on here seems to walk away and give up but that's not my style. Your response has helped me a lot, and he is a very good dad to her, unfortunately his clinginess to the girl is mainly beacuse he is scared the BM will take away the girl (she has done so before) and as he is not the BD he really has no say if she chooses to do this. I just find it hard as I feel so left out, and he doesn not always listen to my concerns, as he feels i am trying to keep him away from the girl, which I am not, I just am trying to help him understand that he also has me in his life too, and that if he wishes for me to spend time with them too, he needs to consider me as well as her. Again, language is a problem as I am still trying to learn French and when they speak I often feel lefft out, but I hope in future that this will become less of an issue as my French improves.
Anyway my new year resolution is to try and be more positive and not let this affect me as it has done, as he is a wonderful man, and I'm not going to let this become an issue for us as it has done in the past. Thank you again for your positive contribution