No. Just no. He has to earn income sufficient to support his child. This is a hill I would die on.

If I were a betting woman, you will resent him and this idea in a few years if you agreed to it now.

No, just no. Tell him he is responsible for HIS kid. Period. Dot.

I am going to have to agree with above poster. NO! You will be supporting him and this child. If you are feeling resentful now, just wait it will get way worse. You will end up losing respect for this man and see him as a freeloader. Which IMO that's exactly what he is.

You have known this user/loser for less than a year and he refers to your income as "our money" and his expenses as "our expenses". Hell to the no.

Open your eyes. This man is worthless.

Do you have a mansion? How is he justified in quitting his job and just cleaning the house?! Tell him about us women who work full time, manage a home and parent kids too.

You'd get a better deal if you hired a maid and had a non live in boyfriend. This is gonna get old real fast hun.

No you are not selfish. Nor would you be crazy if you decided to do it. Money is one of the hardest conversations to have with a partner and it’s one of the top reason’s relationships fail.

You are in no way required to support his child more than you want to. Nor should you feel bad for not. You already are providing WAY more than some think you should by paying 2/3 of the household.

Now if he quits it’s not that there will be no income on his side. There is still the rental property and the tiny amount of CS. You need to talk honestly and decide if that is enough contribution on his part. Don’t let him bully you into it or make you feel bad. You can always walk away and should if you feel he is trying to guilt you into something.

If he feels overworked then relook at the household responsibilities and child care responsibilities. The kid is 9. He might be capable of taking over extra chores. A child his age can be responsible for MANY of the everyday tasks required in a home. I’m not saying make the kid do it all but if dad feels over whelmed that’s one way to help. Or maybe you can do something more. Again just possible ideas.
Honestly I can’t fathom how much work some people do to keep a house clean. The kids take care of their room when they are home. They move the laundry to washer then dryer and I’m about to teach them about folding and putting it away. They both can put up dishes and SO plans to teach them how to load soon. I sweep / vacuum maybe once a week with spot cleaning as needed. He takes out the trash. I mean the house isn’t perfect but it’s comfortable and we enjoy the extra time.

Also if he does drop the work then maybe look at what money is being spent on the kid. You said “He’s forever running here and there?” Is there a way to reduce that? Is the child doing MULTIPLE after school actives? Can he ride the bus or carpool with friends? Does the kid get the most expensive name brand clothing, every new electronic, so on and so on?

My SO talks about how he, BM, and the kids use to do a big trip every year. Places like New York, Disneyland, Cruises. It’s just not in the budget now and we’re ok with that. Sure we want to do it but we live in our means. If something happens and there’s less money we’ll look at what else can be given up. Do we need the more expensive internet? Can we cut out eating out so much? Pack our lunches more often? If that’s not acceptable to you then it’s not an option but there are always options.

Over all yes your guy expects you to fit into his image of family. I don’t feel it’s wrong of him to want that BUT that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. My SO didn’t think he’d date anyone because of his expectations of what he wants for his kids. We knew 100% if I didn’t like the kids or they didn’t like me I wasn’t going to be around. That’s ok because we were on the same page and we’re both ok with it. Let him know you’re not ok with what he is asking. It’s up to both of you. Decide what you MUST have, what can you compromise, and what can you give up on. If it’s not acceptable then for the sake of all people involved then you don’t need to be together as a couple like this.

I totally know where you are coming from. My fiancé was all about everything being "ours." The difference between my situation and yours is that I am very upfront about where the lines are. You two clearly have a different idea of what roles you expected each to play. You need to have an upfront and honest conversation with him. If he gets mad, let him be mad and tell him when he's ready to have an adult conversation with you, he can come find you. You are correct, you are not the child's mom. You have no legal right to that child. Does he involve you in childcare decisions? Do you get a say in the child's upbringing? You need to have a heart to heart with both him and yourself. If you want to thr child's second mom, then pay up. If you want to be roommates with the kid, then you need to tell his father that. Your guilt and frustration won't go away until you bite the bullet and have the conversation. Another food for thought, a rule I lived by before I got engaged was that "I'm not going to be their mother before I am your wife, period." I don't know what your feelings are about marriage or your definition of commitment but don't fall into a one sided relationship. Being a step parent is hard enough. You need to take care of you sanity too.

Hope that helps!

SS is nine. How long does BF intend to work part time to be home for him? At what age will SS be when BF looks for/ works a full time job?

Yes, schools have days off and early release. That is why there are camps, both day and overnight, and before and after school care. Single parents work and use camps and day care all the time.

By limiting his work during these years your BF will later find the same problem stay at home moms have had. He will have no retirement savings. So if you stay with him, prepare to support him through his elderly years too.

If you live in California you may want to check with a lawyer about your arrangement as California has in the past granted palimony.
You may want to consider some type of formal partnership agreement to protect yourself.

frustrated - I am working towards becoming the sole breadwinner. There are 4 kids in our household - SD12, SS10, BS4, and BS2. As DH and I were working this plan out, one of the things I had to overcome was the resentment of paying for SD12 and SS10 without input* into their expenses and extra-curriculars. I had to sit down with myself and decide if the benefits of DH becoming a SAHD (clean house, my gardens, my BSs getting homeschooled, being able to bring my family with me when I travel, my DIY improvement projects, plus more) was worth the price of slightly less income and paying for SD and SS. It took a lot of soul-searching, but I came to the conclusion that to me, I wanted the benefits of DH as a SAHD more than I disliked the consequences. So I'm pushing towards that goal. No one else can decide what is important to you. Families work in many different ways.

But I do caution you that you and your SO MUST be on the same page as to what happens if you go down this road and decide you don't like it. I know/have known many families with SAHMs and all of the successful ones (aka still married though not all are still SAHMs) say that the most important aspect of a single-income family is that both partners are in agreement.

One final note: Okay, people.

I wonder if I'd have gotten a different response if the question involved a woman staying at home and a man providing financially.

100% truthfully, no the answers would not have been different. Posters on this site are very strongly opposed to any person with a child lacking the income to support that child. In other words, SAHM and SAHD are actively discouraged by most posters. A huge part of the reason is that when you add step-dynamics to the already difficult single-income situation, it's a recipe for resentment, frustration, and anger. You said in your original post that you are not entirely comfortable with using your hard-earned money to support a child that isn't yours. As time goes on, it's unlikely that you will feel better about it, especially if your SO is already slacking on the household. You're still in the honeymoon phase so you are understanding of your SO's difficulties with childcare and see how hard he is working now. But what happens at the end of next year, when the household things are still slipping only now it's because of SS9's activity schedule, or homework issues, or school conferences, etc? These are all things to think about very hard before agreeing to support your SO, male or female.

*legal input - DH and I discuss everything in our household, but sometimes there are things that the CO or the GAL has ordered DH to pay for that I strongly disagree with. And sometimes DH will overrule my objections to something because it's his kids and he's the one who has to deal with BM. I have no recourse other than to argue with him. One of the things DH and I discussed about the potential for him to be a SAHD was the issue of him making decisions I don't agree with. We've made a compromise that we both agree on but it's a very important discussion topic.

I think what's concerning is that you know him less than s year, you aren't legally married yet he already wants you to support him (and his kid) and in fact combine finances (code for having access to your money). I don't think I'd be happy with a man who would propose such a thing to me. Doesn't sound attractive to me. And You might want to protect yourself. If your relationship doesn't work out, you'd possibly be paying alimony even if you weren't legally married.

It sounds like you know what you want - but that what you want isn't the same thing as what he wants.

His son is 9 - hardly requiring constant supervision/direction/care. What is it exactly that is taking up so much time with his son, that he can't manage to upkeep a home?

Both SO and I work full time outside the home. We have 4 kids in the home, a dog, and a cat. We manage to keep the house clean.

If between you, you agree that you are the one earning income and he is the one taking care of the home, that's great - but if he's not taking care of the home, he's not holding up his end of the bargain.

Might sounds harsh - but it seems like he's putting his child's fun ahead of his agreement with you.

I would also agree with someone who posted asking whether he actually has that phD... and why he isn't at least working part time... if he has some income, great... but don't let yourself get used into paying for him and his child's stuff. I understand that there's a family dynamic that you all seem to want, but it seems like he wants to play Mr. Mom without actually doing much other than hang out with the kid. Not cool.

I would wait to progress to a deeper level of commitment until you've seen that he holds value to the existing expectations and follows through... because if he continues to provide you with excuses and use the child as an excuse as to why he's not following through, that's likely the path you will be on for years to come.

What are you thinking? This guy wants a sugar mama.

he doesn't seem to have enough time to get everything done AND work outside the home.

Oh.my.God.

The only piece of advice that springs to mind here from my experience is this:

SO makes reduced payments in terms of household expenses (relative to earnings): perfectly reasonable.

SO using his own money from CS and rental income solely to support SS, thus stopping contribution to your household: OK. The problem arises if, in my case, SO convinces himself that he is supporting SS when in fact, by you assuming 100% of the household costs, you are supporting SS. You are subsidising him. That's only OK if he recognises that.

My SO refuses to accept that I have contributed to his CS payments. It hurts his male pride too much to admit that. Gets the guilt factory going. But if my extra contribution to our household means that he is able to meet his CS payments, I am essentially paying his CS.

If you want to avoid the resentment, that has to be explicitly recognised. If not, you might end up feeling as though you're being taken for granted.

Another option, that I hope hasn't already been mentioned (sorry if I missed it) would actually be to ask BM if she would like to pay more CS so that SS can benefit from having a SAHD. If not, why not? If BM and your SO (as SS's parents) would like that to happen, they have to make that happen, not you.

Keep this in mind: If your boyfriend didn't have you to pay all the bills and other expenses, would he be able to quit work entirely just to keep house and play with his kid?

Lately, he has been talking about giving up his part time work so that he can focus on the household. I should say that he does work very hard around the house, and I greatly value all that he does
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I think I would sit him down and just tell him how this….”Dear SO, I love you and appreciate you so much, but you really have to keep your part time job to help with expenses. I just can’t do it all on my own. Plus you still have SS you HAVE to support.”

If he does not understand, then I would re-think living with him.

In my opinion this is absolutely ridic!!! There are 3 of you, how big can your house be?? There are 3 in my family. I work full-time and still manage to take care of a 5 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 3000 sqft house AND 3 horses and a barn. BS7 is also very active and does karate 2 days a week, jujitsu 1 day a week and in the spring/summer baseball 3 days a week and in the fall, soccer 3 days a week... and guess who takes him to most practices, training and games? Me! The one with the FULL time job. Granted I have DH's help in that he mows and will vacuum quite often, and takes BS7 places when I have meetings or appointments but your SO has you to help as well.

I'm sorry but a man with a PhD, who does handy work and now just wants to do nothing and "take care of the house" sounds like a lazy bum to me. He has a child, it is HIS responsibility to provide for HIS child.. not yours.

A woman would be called a gold digger.

Your SO is full of it. He is using you. Thousands of single parents manage to work full time and take care of thei school aged kids. The only time it is really rough is when they are very young. I have 3 kids and at one point was going to school full time and working full time (often OT also). My 2 bios with ex SO I get absolutely no CS for, he abandoned the kids the moment I kicked him out of my house. So that also means I get no help with childcare. I did the completely single mom, no help, working FT and FT school thing for years. Your SO is a lazy user. You should be offended that he is wanting to use you to support him and an unrelated child of his. How offensive that he is ants you to take care of a child he had with another woman. He is showing you now respect. If he was a real man he would want to take care of his family- which should include you. Demand better for yourself. Talk to a female family member or friend and ask for an honest opinion. From the outside looking in, he is a poor choice for a partner.

You have been with this guy less than a year, living with him a few months and he wants you to support him. His ex supported him and now he wants someone else to support him. AND his kid.

I just can't...

You know he is playing you. Or you would not be posting here.
You asked, the answer is. He is using you !!!!
Tell him to get a real JOB. Or get out

I recommend therapy. It could really help with your self-esteem, learning how to respect yourself and ability to choose good partners. Longer you postpone to take care of the issue, more likely you to pick inappropriate partners. This guy showed you his real colors early on.

I'd also consult an attorney, this guy lives in your house and you might have hard time kicking him out from a legal stand point. Also if you are in a state with recognized common law marriage, you might eventually end up financially supporting him for years or till he reaches retirement age. That what happens when you have partners who don't work or only work part time .

If you need your house cleaned, hire a maid. If you make a lot of money, you can afford a maid. Cheaper than keeping "house boyfriend". Then find a man who'll be your equal partner and won't treat you like a sugar mama.

He needs to pay 66% of expenses. Or, he can move out and you two can date, which IMO is what you should still be doing since he can't support himself and you aren't married.

I'm disgusted by him. Repulsed, actually.

People with children to support don't get to check out IMHO. Particularly a Ph.D who is capable of a far higher income than as a handyman.

Since this guy is a voluntary loser... what attracts you to him?

He is a PhD. and is pawning his responsibilities to support his child off on you and calling it a we thing. You were not there when he chose so spawn with his X so this is a he thing not a we thing IMHO.

Be very, very careful tying your wagon to this voluntary loser. Equity life partnerships can take many forms but rarely is there anything equitable when one half of the relationship takes advantage of the other.

IMHO of course.

Good luck, take care of you and quit letting this POS use you.

NO! Don't do it, you will eventually end up resenting him and his child because of it. It may not bother you at first, but over time you will get annoyed when you can't buy XYZ or go on that girls only vacation because your SS needs new shoes/braces/school supplies, etc. YOU will be the one giving up your hard earned money for a child that you did not help create.

I thought I was okay with my situation (my DH works FT, just less money), but over time I started to get resentful; I know the feeling. I won't go into the details, but our situation is a tad different, he has full custody and the BM pays him CS, well when she flipping feels like it (it's a whopping $150/mo with no other fees (medical, dental, school, nothing!).

I think it's great that your SO likes to live frugally, he's even found a way to live in ultimate frugality...by having you foot most of the bills. The responsibility of having a child is paying for them, even if it means you get less time with them.

There is nothing wrong with him wanting to be a SAHD, but there is a problem in the fact that you are not the biological mother of that child...that's where his thought process is flawed. So you need to have an honest talk with him and ask him if he is looking for you to be the working parent to his child, while he is a SAHD.

Also, will you have 100% responsibility for the child and 0% authority; a theory so very popular when it comes to SMs? So if said child wants a pony, polo lessons, sky diving instruction, etc., will you have a say? Most likely, at that point, you will be told it is not your decision yet you must finance it.