Dealing with grieving stepdaughter
Hello everyone. I'm a newbie here and I've got a complicated situation. My SD (11 y.o.) just came to live with us in the States unexpectedly about four months ago. She was living in Holland with her mother who was always unstable but didn't want to give her up (part love, part not wanting to give up her welfare benefits, IMO). SD would come to visit us for two or three weeks at a time, but she begged her mom to let her come live with us and was scheduled to do so August 2011.
December 2010 we got a phone call from a neighbor in Holland saying that SD's mother was an addict and couldn't take care of SD and could my husband come and get her. We had thought that SD's mother was depressed because SD would complain that her mom was always sleeping and never did anything fun with her. Turns out she was on dangerous drugs and had been to rehab three times; Child Services knew about it but did not contact my husband because SD's mother had lied and said she didn't know his whereabouts and took away his parental rights without his knowledge. During those times, SD was forced to lie and say that they went on vacation and that's why my husband couldn't reach them by phone, or SD's mother would send her to my husband's parents so that she could clean up (temporarily). SD has been manipulated, told that her father left because he didn't love her anymore, seen things no child should see (such as her mother overdosing), etc. so you can imagine what she was told about her stepmother (I'll come back to that later--sorry, this is going to be a long post). She has bottled a lot inside and has some issues because of it.
SD's mother overdosed and died two months ago. An already difficult situation is made much worse by the fact that SD is now grieving for her mother. She blames her father for not being there to "save" her mother. She blames me for taking away her father and also just for generally being alive. She's angry at the world.
We have never had an easy relationship. Her mother kept telling her that I stole her father (we met four years after they split up) and it was always difficult to get used to each other in short bursts of visits. We have her in grief counseling and seeing a psychologist, but it's just so difficult for us. We have to figure out how to discipline a grieving child; from what I'm reading, you're supposed to discipline the same as a non-grieving child because they need boundaries more than ever, but we didn't even get a chance to figure out the non-grieving discipline, let alone the stepparent relationship.
I know that she is in a new situation, in a new country, and grieving for her mother. Mentally, I know that. How do I remember that when she's treating me badly? How do I keep trying when she pushes me away or lets me know that she despises me? She runs so hot and cold, and this is not new.
My mother recently criticized us for giving her a talking to over rudeness and dirty looks, saying that we're too hard on her and that we should let things go. SD knows that my mom will do this and uses it to her advantage to be nasty when we visit my parents (who live close, so this is often). How do we handle this?
This poor little kid. My
This poor little kid. My heart aches for her & I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Is SD in intensive counseling? DH can call her pediatrician to find a really good counselor for her who's trained to help kids in tough situations like this.
As for your mom's undermining you in front of her, I think you need to limit SDs exposure to her.
I have had to call my mom out
I have had to call my mom out on undermining me and it is hard to do. You need to stop your mom from doing it in front of her. This girl is looking for any ally, good or bad.
As for grieving, you still have to be her parents and set up boundaries and rules and stick with them. My son pushed a lot of boundaries when his Dad died and I didn't allow a lot of it. I did some, but not a lot. I believe in my heart, that he could have gone a different direction if I hadn't been strict with him. He is a good kid now and does well in school. That would not have happened without a lot of discipline. Everyone kept telling me that I should give him some slack. His brother and his father were gone. I understood that, but that doesn't mean he can disrespect me or not do his best in school.
Being hard on them is so hard, when all we want to do is give them a hug, but if you are giving rules now, they will turn out to be good citizens and that is our job as parents.
I feel bad for her, because now she doesn't feel secure and won't for a very long time. She needs to be assured everytime you do discipline that you love her and you are not going anywhere. That was all my son worried about...
Good luck and you may want to get therapy for all of you.
Thank you guys for the
Thank you guys for the support and advice. I think counseling would be a good idea. I have pretty good insurance, it's just finding someone competent and accepting new patients.
Yeah, I had problems with my mom's controlling and judgmental nature before this so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It's sometimes exhausting being around her, but I do want to visit my parents, especially my dad who has to live with her and her myriad defense mechanisms. I'll just have to make it clear. Of course I'm very sensitive to her criticism because I DON'T feel like we're doing everything right. I have doubts and insecurities and mistakes and flaws.
I guess what we're having trouble with is, how much SHOULD we be letting slide? Does giving attention to her rudeness and hostility give her power and increase the behavior?
You have to learn to pick and
You have to learn to pick and choose your battles. It is hard to know which ones. I will say this, I wouldn't allow him to get grades below A's. Some say that is extreme but he has tested off the charts and has never had lower than that. He pushed it a little right away, but that was stopped quickly. Now he gets only A's and for the first time has a B and it is freaking him out.
I also tried not to allow disrespect towards me. I was not always successful. But, I tried. I was adamant that he was involved in scouting. I pushed for him to do things with his Uncles since he needed males in his life.
You have to know what you will not tolerate. Write it down for yourself and call her out on it every time. My son tells me that when he was pushing my buttons he knew how far he could go with me before I lost it on him. He said sometimes it was fun to watch. Now at 16 he still knows exactly what to do to tick mom off, but now he picks and chooses the battles, not me.
If there are things that don't bother you, don't get on her for those. Get on for the things that are important to you.
Only you can decide those.