if i could do it over again, i wouldn't even be divorced once, would've made a better decision in who i married the first time and stuck with it. BUT i wouldn't change my current dh for the world, my skids for the world or my dd for the world, can't have your cake and eat it too, with skids comes the unworkable smom or sdad, on both sides and the skids that will do everything in their power to make your life miserable, the key is to control how YOU respond to all the childish bs. and ask yourself, is this something you can live with??? i WILL NOT change dealing with the crappy bm is a package deal and since SHE is raising the kids primarily, they WILL pick up on some of her habits, good and bad

WOW! I needed your post. I, too, am asking the same question today. I feel like I don't have it in me to bring this problematic family into my life. I work hard, have my doctorate, and no children--all my choice. This man is wonderful to me. But his son and the ex-wife are really making me feel like I don't matter. I'm doubting myself in ways I never thought possible. The son is only 10, but he has learned how to manipulate very well--like his mother. I shut down last night and I dread going home tonight. We live together, so I think I'm going to move out. When we lived separately, I could handle this stress a little better. The ex-wife hates me because she thinks she knows who I am as a person. She hasn't said more than 2 sentences to me--unless it was to yell at me. She is manipulative and very self-righteous, i.e., I go to church, "your dad doesn't love you like I do", "your dad and her drink, so they are bad"....we hear it all from the son. Her parents treat me as if I don't exist and they treat the father as if he owes them a favor. (BTW, the father paid for the child to be born bc the ex-wife couldn't get pregnant naturally.) I really don't care if they acknowledge me, but when they treat the father that way, I'm left to pick up the pieces. I don't want to be a stepmother--if I wanted to be a mother, I would be. I guess that I am really torn. I never thought people could be so hateful and mean to someone they don't even know. I'm hurt because all I have done is be nice to the son and I got penalized for that. I don't understand when parents can't see that if there are good people in their child's life, they should be glad for it, not threatened by it. I'm not perfect--not by a long shot. Never claimed to be.....but the stress with the child and ex-wife is making me scared, too. I am worried, as well, since a lot of these posts make it sound like adolescence is going to be a lot worse! Sorry, I don't have much advice, but sometimes reading others' problems help us feel a little better. (Knowing that someone else understands how we feel.) I was afraid to post because I am not married to the father and didn't know how to cope. So, thank you.

was reading the posts on here, and speaking from experience being a step mom is HARD and MANY disappointments in the future, it's hard to love someone who doesn't love you back the same (loving a kid as your own but them hating and rebelling you), it's hard to hear that the other parents down talk you even though they dont' really know you. they WILL have their defenses up with you because they are either jealous of who their ex got with--you (better than them) or to "win the kids to them" it is a constant battle.

but i say if you can't even TRY to love the prospected skids as if they ARE yours you have no buisness getting married...it COULD ruin the relationship the parent has with them or make your life a living hell when they are there...and if you had a child and remarried even if due to death and not divorce, wouldn't you want your new spouse to love your child like their own? they will STILL rebel, even if a divorce case is ALL they've ever known like my daughter's (she has no memories of her dad and i beign together) and she still rebells her smom and tries with my dh

i struggle with my skids, but my dh is not blind to how they treat me AND him so he holds no guilt over my head

why is the BM so angry? how long have they been divorced?

Oh Crayon, you should see the pictures of BM and SD6 similing huge on FB, jumping around town, collecting cash and gifts. I saw not one regret in SD6's eyes in those pictures about not "wishing" to see daddy. SD6 knew to go where the bucks are. Already becoming that way though?
There is one picture of SD6 holding a 50.00 bill in her hands and smirking, looking down at the "other" gifts not opened yet.

I'm taking the present back or giving it to another kid. I did buy it stupidly. It would not be enough anyways compared to all of the other gifts. Why bother?

Good for you! Bravo!

Oh, how I wished I had listened to my gut or found this site a few years ago before giving up everything that was all mine.

Good Luck!

Me? Too long- 2 years and counting. I do have a 20 year old daughter though on her own. I was "on my own" too at one time and quite happy then.

All my friends and a few on here have told me to R-U-N
so, hmmmm, I havent yet, but everyday it gets harder not too.

Listen to your logic then. I am normally quite logical myself.

Oh yes, was quitre loved at first. Then we married and moved in with one another. That is when the "Pas" as they call it started from his ex-wife and having a new husband with zero backbone did not help. Then came debts, etc.

I also failed to check both of them out prior, which normally I always do.

I would keep your own place honestly. Speaking from experience only here.

Sorry darlin, but you need to either run, or date him for 8 more years.

He needs to learn to put BM aside. Turn off his phone, block her number because she is way over the top on the control freak issue. Its a wonder he ever got away from her in the first place.

Usually the drama dies down after a few years, but I wouldn't put money on it. If you truly love him.......wait for him...LOL. At the very least make sure you see significant improvements in the situation before you move in.

It will be hell on earth and it may get better, but its still going to be hell. you raised your kid. why go back and raise his?

if i could do it over again, i would do it different. i would be with dh, but i would have nipped that shit in the BUD!

go with ur gut feeling that way u have no regrets or take a chance knowing that u may have some

Tjax, You’ll be fine. You don’t have to move out. Why let this woman own so much of your life? Why move backward if what you really want is to move forward?

Marrying a man with children is right up there with marrying an elephant keeper, (that’s what I try remind myself on a bad day… at least there aren’t any elephants in the garden.) but the benefits can be monumental too.

As a fellow stepparent I promise you this: there is nothing this woman can ever, ever do to you that you won’t be able to handle.

You are new to this situation, and there are tools for dealing with ex partners so they don’t drive you crazy. You are obviously prepared to make a tough decision should you need too – so take the opportunity to sit down with your partner and talk about the things that really concern you. Break them down into smaller issues and you may be surprised at his reaction, especially if he knows his relationship is on the line. Entering a family unit can become all consuming. Creating your own space in the home is so important and will put other issues into perspective. Talk to your service provider about having his ex’s number blocked from your phone. (There is no need for her to have your number, and you don’t need to tell her if you don’t reply anyway.) Also, many biological parents display the ten points listed that suggest guilty forms of parenting, they are completely normal and not limited to family homes. You’d be surprised how the positive reinforcement of a partner can affect guilty parenting.

There are lots of horror stories out there – but remember that most people post about the worst times, the times they need the most support. Many people don’t post about the little battles won and the wonderful moments that happen. Stepfamilies are not uncommon, and yes, lots of people make it work.

Like you said, you have a grown up daughter and you’ve got the t – shirt. You’ve had one marriage end and another wonderful relationship start. You know that life for everyone has twists and turns and ups and downs. All relationships come with baggage, be it elephants or children. You’ll be fine. Best of luck whatever the outcome!

Delilah
www.howtolivewithaliens.blogspot.com

I have been a stepmom for quite some time and with one sk, it has never worked no matter what I tried. It has gotten worse now that she is older, not better like I was depending on. I am finally disengaging.

tjax and whatcanido...I have fantasized for the past two years that I still had someplace to call my own, someplace peaceful to come home to, someplace devoid of someone who despises and harshly judges everything about me. I, too, work in the mental health field and my knowledge has only helped me know how dysfunctional this situation is. It is hard to imagine how uncomfortable living like this could be. I always believed the evil SM stories must be caused by evil SM. Now I am an evil SM, even though I am really not. It is as if DH and SD need to cast me in the role of the bad one to maintain their own relationship. Very strange dynamic. Do yourselves a favor and read "Stepmonster"...then, believe it! If I had not lived it, I would not have believed it! Don't make the same mistake.

Whatever the details, the feelings many express here are the same. If you are asking if you should risk it to live with the partner you love, my answer is not to do it unless you are willingly also welcoming years of persecution whether you are nice or not. I would not do it again. DH and I used to have a wonderful relationship that is now changed in ways that cannot be repaired. I wish you the best in your decision.