I started dating my now fiance 4 1/2 years ago, it was right after his divorce was finalized. They had been seperated for over a year when the divorce was final. Since I was his first girlfriend after the divorce I was automatically given the title "hoe bag" and "home wrecker" from BM. He has a now 6 year old daughter. I have been a big part of her life since she was 2. Since then, fiance and I are engaged, to be married in two months and have twin girls together. BM refuses to met me, until recenlty she has not even seen me. I think I have gone out of my way to respect her space, I have never gone for a pick up or drop off, if I'm in the car, I request to be dropped off at a Gas Station or near by store, while he gets his daughter or drops her off. I have never spoke to BM, I've even refrained from going to daughters school activities, sporting events, etc. Until recently, I attended her Christmas Concert and soccer games. In the past she has called our house at all hours and has sent countless text messages, all of which I have not responded. Even the calls at 2am where she wakes my entire family up! I think I have been very patient.

She says terrible things to her daughter, that I can't believe a mother would ever say. She tells her that he cheated on her with me, that I went into their house and took her dad away (daughter often refers to things in her house and asks me if I remember them, when I say, no, I've never been in your house, she says, yes you have when you took my daddy). At 4 years old she looked at me one day and said, do you know what my mommy calls you? Hoe bag! She tells daughter that I'm mean to her, reminder, that up until recently, I just saw her, but have never talked to her. She tells her daughter to not talk to me, don't listen to me, I can't change her clothes, I can't do her hair, she can't ride in my car...the list goes on and on. She also tells her daughter that she hates my fiances parents (her Grandmother and Grandfather).

We have had to take her to court numerous times, including her hitting him when she found out we were dating, she tried to put all the bills from when they divorced into his name, even though the courts told her she was responsible for them, talking poorly about everyone in his family, including me. The courts even told her that she is not allowed to say negative things about me. She does not listen.

Every vacation we take her on she tells daughter that she will not have fun. Anytime she gets a gift at our house, wether it be from Santa, Easter Bunny, just us, she down grades, or says, well you already have that at your house. Including yelling at her for getting an Ipod from Santa this year. She tells her she only has 1 house and that our house is not her house. Even though he has shared parenting and we have her two nights a week and every other weekend. When our twins were born she told her that they were not her sisters and that her cats are her sisters, she also calls the babies "things". She fights with BF everytime he picks her up or drops her off, curses at him, one time said to daughter in front of BD, "we need to take a magic marker and write "LIAR" on his forehead". She calls and texts his mother all the time about what a terrible person he is and calls his 89 year old grandmother and complains about him. She does all of this with daughter in the background.

Recently I have started going to daughters soccer games because we will be married soon and have been in his daughters life for almost 5 years now, we have a family together and I'm not going to keep her sisters away from her events. She acts like an idiot at the events, always brings her one and only friend and they cackle and laugh the entire time, they are really loud and obnoxious. When I go, I go to watch the daughter, not to make fun of anyone or stare at her and laugh, like she seems to do.

She has not had a working bathtub or shower in her house for almost 2 years, they go to her mothers house to take a bath. She also does not have a working oven/stove. BM keeps her out late almost every night, even on our visitation nights once he drops her off they get in the car and go places. When we get her on the weekends she looks exhausted with big black circles under eyes.

She consistantley calls BF and tells him how miserable he is and how his life with me is terrible. She runs into people in the grocery store and tells them all kinds of lies, he does not support his daughter, he left her to have an affair with me, the only reason he left was because my parents have money, that he cheated on my while I was pregant. All of this stuff gets back to us.

I could name a million more things she has done, but it would take too long to type out. My concern is how she makes this poor 6 year old feel. Her daughter loves me, I play with her, read to her, do crafts with her, help her with her school work, etc. Her father loves her, will do anything for her, is very active in her life. Driving 45min just to watch her 30min soccer practice, is at all of her events, has never been late or missed a visitation, and we both want her to live with us. We only want the best for his daughter. We feel like when she is with us she has a routine, she gets plenty of rest, we do family things, etc. And when she is with her BM they run around, don't have a schedule and all the 6 year old hears is poor stuff about us. She has said numerous times that they go over to BM mother's house and she sits around while BM and Grandmother talk about us.

I feel bad for the BM, I know she has no friends and probably a miserable life. But I wish she would stop bringing her daughter into it. The poor child hears so much, that a 6 year old should not hear. The child now has terrible anxiety. Often gets very nervous when she goes home (i'm sure because she gets drilled by BM on what happened over the weekend), out right lies to BM on the phone, if we go do something for the day she will lie to her mom and not tell her what we did, she will just say she colored all day or something off the wall that we didnt even do. When the BM calls she asks her what she is wearing?!? And often the daughter lies to her. The daughter will let me do her hair all weekend, but when we are getting ready to take her home and I go to put her hair in a pony tail or fix it she starts to freak out and wants her dad to do it (because BM has yelled at her for having my hair ties in), she is scared to death of having me paint her finger nails because BM has yelled at her about it before. When I go to her soccer games the daughter will not come over and say hi, BF has to go over and get her. I know she loves me, but she is so scare of hurting her mothers feelings, so she lies and pretends to not like me. She has told me before that she loves me, but tells her mom she does not like me. When its just us, at our house, she is all over me, wants to hug me, cuddle with me, play games with me, etc. When daughter is at our house she calls (twice a day) and tells her daughter how much she misses her, that her cats miss her, that her pillow misses her, that her house misses her, on and on and on. Its weird, I think she is affraid that her daughter will want to come live with us one day, so she makes her feel bad when she is gone. Its like she wants to the 6 year old to feel responsible for the mothers feelings.

I just do not understand why a mother would want to make her daughter feel like this? The child is clearly torn. Why can't she just have fun at both houses and not feel like she has to pick and choose? I'm concerned that her lying is going to be a problem in the future. We always promote her having fun at her mom's house. Even when she is getting ready to go home and starts to get tears (i'm sure because she will miss her father and her sisters), I always try to change the subject and say, oh you are going to have so much fun at Mommy's, what do you think you will do tonight?

I'm affraid she will grow up to hate me because her mother hates me. I'm affraid she will grow up to lie. I would never wish for anyone to not like their mother, I just wish that her mother changes, or that she will grow up to see what she is really doing? It makes me a nervous wreck and I often get sick over this. Any advice?