I'm new to this forum, and to step parenting as well actually, and almost every post I read I can relate to. One post in particular really resonated with me, someone talked about emotional enmeshment and PAS, and I would like to know more about it and how to help my SO's child.

Let me give you a little background. My SO was with his EX for about 12 years, married 5, they have a 10 year old son together. Almost a year ago he caught her cheating, she says nothing physical happened, it was words on a screen, and sharing of explicit photos. Either way, they separated and filed for a divorce. A few months later he and I connected on Facebook, we had been high school sweethearts, and we had a very dramatic, emotional breakup (which is a whole other story). At that time I lived on the west coast, and he on the east coast. What started out as a friendship quickly grew to more, I came out to visit him in May and it was clear to us that we wanted to be together, we decided I would move to the east coast, and I did so 2 months later.

When they first separated BM didn't really seem to care, as long as my SO took their son when she wanted, and paid for what she told him to pay, she didn't really care. During my visit I tagged him in some posts on Facebook and all h*ll broke loose. She threatened to commit suicide, she called him begging to come home, she made his son call crying that he missed him, she called me and told me that I was a home wreaker, that she wanted her husband back. She started posting pictures of the two of them together with captions like "best day of our lives" and "together forever" etc. When she realized I had gone back home she started contacting me telling me that they were getting back together, and that they were still having sex. It was horrible.

In the divorce paperwork they had agreed on 50/50 custody, and that had been what was happening. Then I moved to the east coast to be with my SO. Since we would be living together we had been facetiming and doing lots of phone calls when his son was there so it wasn't completely awkward. My SO flew out to me and we drove back together. The day after I arrived she filed a Relief From Abuse order for her and their son, so he was not allowed to have any contact with his son for 10 days, until the final hearing. This was devastating for him. Two days into the order she started contacting him, calling nonstop, she texted 176 times in 8 days, sending him old family photos, and any other mementos she could think that would emotionally get to him. She even had their son call and begged him to pick up the phone, and asking why he doesn't love him anymore. All prompted by BM who you could hear in the background. She would also leave messages saying "I'll let our son know you are choosing your whore (me) over him". We called the police, and there was nothing that could be done until the hearing. At the hearing she decided to drop the RFA, that she didn't feel threatened anymore. So all that emotional torture for nothing.

That is what life has been like since then, we have had to call the police numerous times, we have a no trespass order for our home, vehicles, and places of employment, because you guessed it, she harassed and stalked him there. He ended up getting a 1 year RFA order for her stalking and harassing him, which she calls a joke. We had to do this when she filed false police reports saying my SO broke into her home and stole items, and that he attempted to sexually assault her on the side of the road. Both of which were untrue. Finally, a couple weeks ago the divorce was final, they had come to an agreement on custody (still 50/50), child support (which seems crazy since its 50/50), property division, all of it, and the divorce is final.
Silly me, I thought things would calm down, what else would there be to fight about, or call about, or anything???I was wrong.

Soooooo, this is the part about PAS and emotional enmeshment. This past Sunday BM had asked if she could have their son back early so that they could all go to her families Christmas party, no big deal, he wanted to go, so we weren't going to force him to stay with us because it's "our time". Pick up/drop offs have to be in a public place, because of the RFA order, and SO is suppose to bring a witness (me), but the only people allowed to do the pick up/drop off is the two of them, per the CO. My SO works for a oil/heating company, and we live in New England, this time of the year is VERY busy. My SO was on call this past weekend, and sure enough 45 minutes before drop off he gets a call, so we figure it out, I'll bring his son to him in a bit, and he will contact BM and let her know its going to be a little later. He calls me back and says that there was no problem with the new arrangement. So I get SO's son ready, and we head out to meet up with his dad when all the sudden his phone rings and it's his mom. My SO's son is sitting in the back seat and he starts crying, like really. really crying (I thought someone had gotten hurt, or worse) he's crying so much that he is choking, and then I hear him say, "I said I love you too, I miss you too, yeah I can't wait to get home so we can snuggle either, no, I love you more, bye" all in between sobs. When he hangs up I ask him if everything is okay. He tells me that he's not allowed to go to the Christmas party anymore, that he has to just stay with us. So I asked him why, and he says to ask dad. Just then my phone rings and it's my SO. Apparently, even though it was just okay a few minutes prior, now she's decided that she can't wait 30 minutes and starts a big fight with my SO, unfortunately he engaged with her and a huge screaming match began. Basically he told her that he was doing her a favor by giving up some of his time with him so they could go to the party, and if she didn't stop her name calling and threats that he wasn't going to let him go. So apparently she hung up and then immediately called the 10 year old son to tell him "daddy said you can't go".

This is just the latest example, she does this all the time, she doesn't pay her bills so she lost the family house to foreclosure, she moved into a rental and she couldn't bring the family dogs, instead of asking my SO to take them she gave them away, the kids were devastated (she has 2 other children from a prior marriage) and she told them, well if your dad didn't leave us for his whore, we would still have our house and our dogs. When they moved they had to switch schools, that was our fault as well. She totaled her car the day my SO flew out to get me, and that was our fault too because she was so emotionally "raw" from his "affair with me" that she made bad choices to cope and drank and drove. She got fired from her job and that was our fault because she had to take off so much time to go to court because of the divorce. She believes these things, that is what she tells people, and worst of all that is what she is telling their son.

What can we do????