Four years is a long time from now.

I am not a step dad but I am a step mom. I think at times like these you have to step back and do something for yourself or focus on something you enjoy. A hobby... go to a movie... I have picked up about 5 new hobbies since I became a step mom. Lol.

I hope you are able to communicate with your wife openly about all of this. She is probably feeling overwhelmed right now I am guessing. It sounds like you are too. Don't pull away from her. Find out how you can support each other or your marriage will suffer terribly.

I try to balance quality time with my DH and quality time doing my own thing so I can keep my sanity... There are good days and bad days...

First of all,welcome, and I'm sorry these circumstances have brought you here. Believe it or not, a lot of people here have similar issues of resentment because their partners can't or won't have kids with them since they already have them. I give them all the same advice--if you think you will regret not having children (and as a new mom, there is NOTHING in the world like having your own, whether you gave birth to them or adopted them) and your partner isn't willing to work with you to have children, then I would seriously reconsider being with that person and spending the rest of your life with them.

For some, having children is a dealbreaker, and if it eats away at you, both your emotional, physical, and relationship health will suffer.

Would your wife be open to adoption? Or in vitro, although her age may make it difficult health wise.

Not trying to be harsh here, but if you wanted kids, why did you marry a 43-44 year old woman?

Did you think ya'll would be like the Brady bunch and you and the kids would instantly bond? And now the ready made family life didn't happen like you thought it would, you realize you regret not having children of your own?

If you really want kids it is not fair to anyone to continue in this relationship. It's better to end it now. You are still fairly young, go out and find a woman in her 30s that is physically able to have kids.

Hey Mikester,
I hope for your sake that you are a better man than me at dealing with not having bio-kids of your own. My first wife was dead set AGAINST having kids. She lied to me in the beginning saying she was open to the idea of having children but as soon as the wedding band was on her finger, she was about as "open" as the Israeli/Syrian border. I thought I could deal with the thought of never having any kids. But the regret just slowly started to eat at me. Going to gatherings with friends and family who had children became an exercise in embarassment because anyone who knew me, knows how much I love kids. So when someone would ask "when are you two going to have kids?" my wife would jump "WE ARE NEVER HAVING KIDS!!!". People would look at me and I would just smile and bow my head. My regret, slowly turned to frustration and frustration slowly turned to anger. Being in a relationship with regret is a bit like enjoying a day on the beach without UV protection. You only realized you are burned long after the fun in the sun is over. And the more my feelings of regret over not having children manifested, the more my ex-wife feeling's towards children turned vile and sinister. It got to the point where she was kicking and spitting at little kids who got in her way at the grocery store and Walmart. Yeah, it got REAL bad! Fortunately for me, I split up with my ex and met my DW about 5 years later. I have two bio-kids of my own now and I cannot tell you how happy they make me. Just thinking about them makes me smile. I hope me writing this doesn't depress you any. You deserve all the happiness a family can give you because that is what gives a man (and a woman) the strength to smile and carry on through the day. Like Ladyface said, I would seriously consider adoption. Hopefully your wife can too?

Mikester, the only advice I can give that would be any good for you is to divorce your wife and go meet a woman without children and who wants them. There are PLENTY of single, childless women out there.

If this desire to have children is so strong in you, then not only will it get worse, but you will become more and more resentful of your step kids.

I wonder if this need for your own child is already affecting your attitude towards your wife's children. Therefore adding to your problems, because naturally they would feel it and kids being kids will act out more.

I'm not understanding your wife's having her tubes tied. If that happened during your marriage to her, or during your relationship, then surely you would have told her how badly you wanted a child of your own. If you didn't, then you have to accept that you contributed in a large pray towards this. If you sat back and said nothing when she had that surgery, then you gave her the clear impression you were fine with it. If having kids only became a burning desire for you after she had surgery, then you have no right to be angry or resentful. However, if your wife went ahead and had this surgery knowing how much having a child meant to you. Well, that's so wrong, and so very selfish to deny you a child because she has plenty and is grossly unfair, you may never forgive her. Ultimately the marriage will breakdown if you cannot get over your resentment. So, maybe you should just end it sooner rather than later, therefore allowing both yourself and your wife a chance to move on and establish new lives with people more suited to each of you. Right now, the two of you are not suited. One wants children, one doesn't,

If your wife had her tubes tied before you married. What the hell were you thinking entering into a marriage with a woman who was clearly finished raising her family, when you desperately wanted a child.

You need to look at yourself here, decide what it is you want more. Your wife or a child. Because you are not going to have both with her.

You either need to get past your anger, disappointment and resentment, and accept the fact that you and she will never have children. Or, you need to end this relationship and find someone who is able and willing to have children with you. It's not fair to anyone to stay and make everybody miserable, including yourself.

By the way 44 is not too young to have your tubes tied. If she were to get pregnant now, she would be around 45 when she had the baby. 50 when that child is 5. She's raised 3 kids, if I put myself in her position, no way would I want to start all over again at that age. Babies are hard work for young women, for a woman in her mid forties to have a newborn and two teenagers at home, is a big ask. If it happens accidentally, we'd suck it up and make the best of it. But I don't think too many women her age would be happily putting up their hands for it. I personally think that if she were to have a child to make you happy, then instead of you being resentful because you have no children of your own, she would become the resentful one because she would have felt pressured into having that child. Either way is not good. You and your wife have a lot to talk about the sooner you start this conversation with her the better.

Welcome,

I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.

I have been Dad to my SS-21 since he was a toddler. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2. I have no biokids. I have never had an overwhelming need to spawn. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. Had my wife and I decided to have more kids that would have been great. But, she could not have any more kids safely and I would not risk her life and health for more children. If we have more kids we will adopt.

I married my bride to spend the rest of my life with her. We have a son (my SS) but he will have his own life to live as all children invariably will. My wife and I will live our lives together. I am 49 and she turned 38 a few weeks ago.

There are many options for you to have children. But if you want to spend your life with your bride, she is the only option for living that dream. You have a decision to make. Have a life with her or not. The kid thing can be dealt with.

As for the relationship with your Skids .... that you can fix. These are older children. They may not need you as a dad. You certainly can be their dad but that is going to be as much or more their choice than it will be yours. I suggest the direct approach with both of the resident StepSpawn. Sit them down individually and explain to them that you love their mom and that you are happy to have them in your home and for all of you to be a family. Then explain to them that there are expectations for them and there are rules. Particularly rules about how you will be addressed and treated. You are the male adult in the home and you will be treated with respect. They have a choice. Adhere to those expecations or go live with their BioDad.

Once you have had this conversation with the kids then set your position, aim, fire and adjust. Be consistent and demonstrate to them that you can either be their best ally, advocate, confidante and mentor and you can also be their disciplinarian. Their choice. But, whatever their choice they need to know that you are their mother's husband and they need to know that your marriage to their mother is your priority and their mother's priority.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

All hell will break loose if he dares to sit those kids down and tell them he has rules and expectations of them and if they don't adhere to those rules they can go and live with their dad. He has no right to unilaterally do that and I'm telling you now, no mother is going to let a man not even her husband, make a decision like that with such a dire consequence. He cannot tell her children to follow his rules and expectations or get out. If he does, problem solved. She will end the marriage. He can tell his wife what he expects from them, if she loves him, and his expectations are fair, she will pull them into line. But that still doesn't resolve his desire for children. Only he can decide if he wants his wife or kids. At 44 even if her tubes weren't tied she would still struggle to conceive without IVF. Then there are a lot of risks to the baby, Down's syndrome being one. Is it fair to take a chance with an unborn child's quality of life, just because he wants a baby. There is a lot to consider here. An awful lot.

I have a good relationship with my step-son and I have done everything I can to help him. Today is Father's Day and I can see that I am not appreciated by my wife (who took her own dad for a big meal and gifts). My step-son spent the day with his bio-dad. I didn't even get a card. I guess it just shows what the real deal is. If anybody out there is reading I urge you to have your own children if you can. Then you will be at least No.1 is somebodies book.

I can understand that feelings about having a child can change quickly and strongly. I was rather anti-baby until my 28th birthday and then baby fever hit and it hit hard out of no where. I tried to have a baby for a year in my marriage unsuccessfully and then the marriage ended so I am also left wondering if my fertility is ok. I have had tests done because i was concerned and nothing was found wrong. My BF has 3 kids, is 39 and has had a vasectomy. I think that there is the potential a reversal could work seems like the vasectomy is not a good reason to end a good relationship. I am very torn. i almost feel it is unfair to have a kid with him when he will be in his 40s anyway. Plus 4 kids is a lot. I am 29 so I have time, but not like a ton of time. I wanted a child so strongly I am a little surprised we ended up together at all. I am worried a reversal will fail and I won't ever have a child now.

Wow,i admire your courage to go from a single guy to married with 3 step kids !!
I almost made that mistake twice years ago(one woman had 4 kids and the second one had 5 kids) but thank God i didn't!!
Good luck to you !!

My DHTB is 34 which is ten years older than me. He already has 2 kids.
One of the first things we discussed before we got into a proper relationship, after the "my children are a big part of my life etc" talk of course, was whether or not we both wanted children. Him because he wanted more, and me because I'd always wanted my own, and both of us wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Which luckily we were and are.. We (mainly me) decided to marry before children but that will only make me 25 when we start trying.
But if he'd not wanted any more that would have been a deal breaker. As much as I love him now, and his kids, I wouldn't have been happy knowing I'd never have my own.
Obviously you love your wife, and that hopefully won't change, but wanting kids will be hard on you. Stupid as it is have you thought about fur babies? Maybe a dog would, although obviously not replace a child, give you someone else to look after?