What does disengaging include

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I've been continually working on disengaging from my husbands awful daughter. I've handed quite a bit of the responsibility over and on some days I feel better about trying to stay in this relationship until she moves out in several years.

But he's still trying to talk to me about things that she is involved in. School or other activities. I don't attend and I don't ask. Is there a way to get out of these conversations and continue disengaging?

Be direct. Just tell him that because of the history, you

cannot invest in continuing what has not worked before.

When he brings it up, give quick response and tell him that you hope that he will get his child(ren) raised successfully.

Cut him short, redirect him back to the problems resulting from his failed parenting, and continue to disengage.

You are exactly right. Her

You are exactly right. Her "accomplishments " hardly make up for crappy behavior thst he overlooks.

My husband came back from

My husband came back from visiting his drug addict daughter and told me in a voice usually reserved for first pee pee in the potty, SD told me to tell you thank you so much for letting him come down there all the time! Then he looked at me with this expectant look like, see she said thanks, you should forget everything and love her now. No.

That's how I feel. Like he is

That's how I feel. Like he is trying to quantify what she does and make her worthy to me. I don't ask because it's not my business, like you said. Whether she's "grateful" or not. I wouldn't believe a thank you from her anyway because it doesn't match her behavior so it's empty words to me.

Is he telling you about

Is he telling you about things? or is he asking for your input?

Honestly.. to some extent.. if he wants input on something.. there is a chance that it could impact you.. so you don't necessarily want him to stop considering your feelings on them.

If it's just him talking about his child generally? I mean.. it's his child.. disengagement does NOT mean you are ignoring the fact that he has a child or that the child lives in your home.. it's natural that he will talk about his kid. Just as you probably talk about things to him that he has not a whole lot of interest in.. partners listen to each other and disengaging doesn't stop you from saying.. "that's nice honey".. and changing the subject.

He's just rambling about

He's just rambling about stuff about her in general. Ironically, when it's something he knows that impacts me with her directly, I hear about it after the fact. So it feels like he's pushing on her on me because I'm not as involved anymore so I'm out of the loop on purpose. And I definitely do change the subject but I guess not often enough for him to catch the hint.

I don't know.. what is her

I don't know.. what is her age... I know you said you were reluctant in a prior post to say it.. but it honestly makes a big difference in what your expectations should be... what your disengagement would look like.. and whether this ends up being hill to die on.

If she is very young.. still a child.. I think it's unrealistic to not acknowledge or have a parent bring up their child in coversation. Disengagement may mean you don't do the caregiving for the child.. but if they are living in your home.. you cannot pretend they exist.. that's cruel and is not reasonable.. especially for a very young child.

If she is in her teens.. but not yet launched.. I think it's still somewhat normal for you to expect her to be part of conversations in your home.. and that you would behave in a friendly and civil manner towards her.. but again your DH would be doing the parenting.. and you would not get involved in her life planning.. with the exception of setting boundaries for your home.. which you wouldexpect your DH to enforce.

If she is over 18.. but at home due to being in the process of launching.. she is still your DH's child.. and I think it is again a bit unrealistic to think he wont talk about his child.. you will just have to continue to mentally do crosswords or something when he brings her up.

And.. just talking about his kid is actually ok.. I don't see disengagement as ignoring the existance of a person.. that's not really what it means to me. Disengagement may mean that you don't have a vested interest in the outcome.. that you aren't participating in parenting.. that you back off from doing things with or for or overfunctioning for your spouse.. etc..

Your. DH is trying to suck. You back in

He needs help. He's trying to get you back in helping. Just Say No. what SD does, don't do, not your concern, you stop DH and tell him you rather not here about it. Just make sure your money is in a safe place. Lawers cost lots and lots of money

I feel the same way. He wants

I feel the same way. He wants me to be involved as I used to be and I'm not interested in being anymore involved than I am currently. Hands off is best for me. No more.

Something I Deal With

I tolerated 12 years of hell before finally putting my foot down. It was way too late and I share blame in this for not taking action sooner. We are now at the point I do not ever see reconcilliation for this blended group. Add in that DHs kids STILL continue in their same behaviors towards me....well, it's impossible for me to move forward with people who do not acknowledge their wrongs and make changes. (A brief encounter a few weeks ago with his 2 daughters proved my right on zero change).

DH rarely talks about his kids to me. We have a standing agreement I really don't want to know anything about them unless it impacts me directly but I will listen to him talk about his kids on occasion when he chooses to share. I do NOT offer any suggestions or tips, just superficial words, like "I'm sorry to hear that." Or, "glad they are doing well," or "happy for their new move." Again, nothing deep and I never ask questions. These boundaries were set with our counselor, so maybe some techniques you can use here.Best to you.

If his kids are adults.. it's

If his kids are adults.. it's easier/more understandable to be able to avoid and dampen down related conversations.

But.. if her DH's kids are minors.. living at home.. or part time in their home? it's not realistic to pretend they don't exist.

I can try these phrases for

I can try these phrases for now. They seem like I care but really are nonchalant.

I think this is a decent way

I think this is a decent way to disengage to the extent you're able to.

Reminds me of the time my now ex kept trying to get me to reminisce and get emotionally attached to his domest!c t3rrorists by scrolling through his camera roll at their baby pictures

They definitely didn't look anywhere near as cute as my baby did. Imo.

So rather than get roped into his trap, I simply responded with "oh for real!" "Wow!" "How old were they" and left it at that and walked off while pretending I had more important things to do than to sit around cooing over some over grown needy kids who he allowed to disrespect me in my home every mfing weekend.

My favorite go to response is

My favorite go to response is "Oh wow." It pretty much sums up just about anything he could throw at you & leaves the conversation hanging if not closed. SD won a Pulitzer - "Oh wow." SD murdered 6 children - "Oh wow."

Give it a heartbeat, then discreetly change the subject. "Did you hear anything about the rain coming tonight? Is it supposed to be bad?"

I cracked up simifan!

This is hilarious! I used to do the same. My son will change to be a better person some day - "Oh, good". My son is so smart - "Oh, ok". My son seems to be improving - "Oh, yay". My son is ungrateful brat - "Oh, no".

Now he hardly ever speaks to me about him. I believe he got the message - No he won't change, No he is not smart, Of course he hasn't improved, and Yes, he will always be an ungrateful brat.
I sometimes hear here and there that my husband corners other people into listening what he has to say about his son. But luckily, I'm mostly left out of it.

Lol @ these disengagement

Lol @ these disengagement tips !

Ima have to try these.

For me disengagement means

I'm not working for you, your ex wife, or your kids (so if you need 24/7 on demand respite from your kids - get someone else to do it!)
If you're not physically present at this house, your kids shouldn't be either (this ain't my parenting time and I'm not doing any part of your 18 year parenting bid for you)
If your kids call you while we're out on a date and you don't have the boundaries to tell them to call back, I will text/call whoever I please during the date as well
If I want to volunteer to use my resources (my time, my energy, my money, etc) on your kids then accept that and do not dare expect me to be more of a mother than their actual mother that you pay child support to (no I'm not picking them up from school, I'm not toting them around with me on my weekend excursions, I'm not helping them with homework, etc)
If you want need more help with your kids = COMPENSATE ME accordingly or prepare to hear the word NO (which you will accept once as the final answer)
If you think your kids are so entitled they don't have to clean up after themselves when they're here then you've effectively made more work for me and now I don't want to be around you or your kids so don't dare say anything to me when I "disappear" all weekend that your kids are here
If you chose to answer your kids nonstop phone calls on speakerphone I'm going to request you move to another room
I do not want to be subjected to your baby mama drama or your piss poor parenting styles (so if your son is lashing out at his mother that's not my problem and no he cannot live here just because he had an argument with his mom)
When you "ooh" and "ahh" over your kids baby pictures I'm going to fake smile and nod because I feel nothing but irritation when I see reminders of your overly needy resource draining spawns with your useless exwife
etc.....

That reply sounds bitter but

That reply sounds bitter but that's what I wish to tell my DH because well... this is exactly what I feel. Is this unreasonable ? How is it working for you ?
I guess if we want to support our partner because that's the way he/she feels loved, we have to put a little water in the wine, don't we ?

It may sound bitter but I

It may sound bitter but I would rather support my partner in other ways that don't require me be used as a free nanny and my peace being disrupted.

Dude paid this woman child support to take care of her kids. I'm not getting paid child support for those kids so why would I do her job for free that she gets paid to do?

If his ex wife and her kids can't respect me by abiding by my reasonable rules of my home then why would I want to bend over backwards to help these people?

I wouldn't have minded helping them if it wasn't taking away from my resources as a single mom with no child support AND if they were more respectful.

as women we've been socialized to accept and tolerate mens bullsh*t and then when the relationship ends, what do we have to show for it???

Just say NO to being a subservient low-self-esteem doormat for these men with disrespectful kids and disgruntled entitled trifling a$$ ex wives

A lot of these men with kids simply want a cheap easy side kick to help them raise their kids. Where is the benefit for us women to do all this emotional physical and financial labor???

We aren't getting child support for step kids and as a matter of fact a man with kids needs to bring way more than militant loyalty to his failed former family and weekly baby mama drama - they expect us to help them fix - to the table since they have hella resources flying out the window into another woman's household.

Majority of these men with kids are entitled af so are their kids and their conniving ex wives.

This entire forum is mostly women dealing with narcissistic-tendency entitled selfish immature men with kids and their children and ex wives are the same.

And how it worked out? I left the house we shared because he kept running his 24/7 B. Beck n Call service (expecting me to sacrifice for that nonsense too) while he begged me to come back.

I am enjoying my peace. I know my worth! I revamped my standards and I will never live with a man who has dependent kids because most of them don't respect their new partners/wives. Not worth the energy/destruction of my peaceful home.

This is good stuff. Very

This is good stuff. Very specific guidance. Thank you for this.

Let him speak

I can disengage from my SDs without disengaging from my wife.

This was a difficult balance for me to strike because I disliked my SDs so much for what they did to me I didn't want to hear about them.

Eventually I just decided to get over myself and enjoy my wife. She is comfortable talking to me about her daughters and the drama that goes on between them knowing that I don't give a pile of dog crap about what goes on with them. I listen because she wants to talk to someone about it.

Personally when I got to the point where I was really emotionally disengaged there is nothing those girls could have said about me to set me off because I have zero value in their opinion.

Now if my wife wants her daughter to move in then...well she knows that ship has sailed.

I am a big fan of my wife. Sitting through a story about her over dramatic and troubled daughters is no different then holding her hand while pushing through an episode of bachelorette.

Best response ever!!!!

Brilliant stuff Rus.

It is about the adults in the relationship and maintaining and growing that bond.

Regardless of kids/Skids being toxic or not. When it is about the adult relationship at the heart of the family, the kids, of any flavor, benefit.

I am glad to hear of the success you and your DW have built.

Thanks for sharing that success.

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What does disengaging include