I began disenagaing a few weeks ago. I had given it a number of attempts but it always felt like I was trapped in my own home attempting  not to engage.

This time, after reading here for many months, I tried a different  approach.  I learned my lesson from SS 20 now, SS 14 wants to push my boundaries. This is more than teenage drama. This has been going on at their BM urging for years. I have be . With DH for 11. 

Stepsnot was sick, he had the flu and BM , who can't  do a damn thing right, took him to a walk in medical place who gave him Tamiflu. I was sick for a full 2 weeks prior to this with a sinus infection. She has her life to get back to; you know... stringing along 3 men at the same time and sponging off her aging parents. ( she is 41 years old. Gets fired from every job she gets for lying or stealing, has no vehicle and no home.  Her parents house looks like like an episode of hoarders.  She Just sponges off her parents). Sends stepsnot  back to our house and has him lie he feels better. He wasn't. Days later, we are all sick again. 

Kid barely speaks to me, so I came in from work, I work shifts at my job, and was eating as he got ready for school. I was clearly really sick, downed some thera-flu and went to bed. I stopped hiding in my own house. If he wants to ignore me or only talk to me when he needs something  then he can deal with my disengaging.  In fact my DH and him can deal with it. I was doing it all wrong  before.

When I woke up, he was home from school. He didn't  say anything  again to me and DH was looking puzzled. As if he never  noticed it before. Unreal. 

He was leaving and he said " Do you want a hug?" Now... if I say no, because this is a show in front of his father  because he noticed it AND he knows he wasn't  better and came back and got us all sick again. I look like some bitch that won't  take a hug from a kid right? If I say yes, he successfully manipulates  the situation after months and months and years or basically ignoring me. I said " since when do you want to hug me goodbye?" He had no answers.  I said " Don't  you think that is a little weird, given you don't  even speak to me most of the time unless your Father is present?" . He didn't  know where to go. 

I said " You knew you didn't  feel better and so did your mother and you came back here anyway sick and got  is sick . How about you try washing your hands or using a tissue or covering your mouth  when you cough and save hugs for people you actually want to hug" 

He only did it because he knew DH noticed it and he knew he lied about feeling better. 

He didn't  know which way to go. Hid, stayed in HIS room until BM showed up to pick  him up late as usual. 

She gets him once in a blue moon and you'd  think she was something really special when she comes  , always late , to get him. Nothing is ever done for him when she gets him and he is basically  a babysitter for his sister . Another kid from another man.

We have full custody of him and did his brother too. 

I think the key is owning your own space. I hid trying to disengage.  I'm not hiding in my own home and he has NO reason to act like he does with me.  He can get out of MY way at this point. It's  my house, was before they all came along

His choice.  He can be happy to live in mountains of crap in BM parents place or act like a normal person in mine.