My SO and I have been together 5 years. I met him after the divorce, and his ex is NOT an easy woman, so their relationship is not functional at all. She's also manipulative and toxic to her kids. He is constantly trying to make everyone happy, which just leaves us each feeling let down in one way or another. I keep saying we need simple rules, and consistency in the house. Especially since now we have a LO of our own. The girls, 14 and 10, don't resent the baby at all. Well, the 14 year old resents everything, especially me, and is ok with the baby. The 10 year old and I are actually quite close, since she can't talk to her mom about anything, and her relationship with her older sister is strained due to 14yo being VERY much her mother's daughter. 

SO 14 and I had a blow up the other night, because she bodied up on me in the kitchen, so I had to use forceful words to take space, as I would never shove her. My forceful words however were berating her bad behavior toward her father and sister that had been relayed to me by 10yo, and not addressed by dad at all. He has a mega blind spot when it comes to 14yo. The cycle is this: 10yo tells me everything and thinks her dad does nothing about stuff, I carry her emotional burden, and see him doing better but no enough. Then inevitably there is a blow up, and when that happens the 10yo wants to diffuse it, and attempts that by taking her sisters side against me. I would never do this, but somet times I just want to scream that she tells me everything, then gets mad when I do something, and turns on me so just STOP. I would never, because she needs SOMEONE to talk to. I think? So then I'm in a two on one situation, and SO comes in, and his mode to deal with things is to try and level the playing field, which means effectively cutting me down in front of them, so we're all equal... so then it's three on one. 

I've done a good job distancing from the 14yo for the most part, because she so negative it's toxic. So I keep it light, and try to have SO enforce chores and things. But with 10yo using me as her outlet, I'm carrying A LOT. Do I need to just disengage? What does that even look like, how do you disengage with half your household?? She needs SOMEONE, so how can I do that to her? 

He and I are going to trying and have a real talk today, because of course we got in a huge fight after the kids blow up, where in he was screaming at me for being upset with him. This isn't an all the time occurrence, but it's definitely a cycle, and it's NOT sustainable.