For a minute there I thought you were one of my uncle's wives. My mom is #3 of 11 children and #10 is a boy. But there are 7 girls and 4 boys. I don't think the sisters are being two faced. The things they said about the BM and niece may be true. No matter what they say, most large families will close ranks when things happen. (Blood is thicker than water.) I'm sure they all think you are wrong for texting the girl. You should have had your husband handle it. Or better yet have your daughter handle it. What does a year old issue among cousins have to do with this? Cousins will get into it from time to time. In the end they will stick together because they are family.

Actually when you do marry you are allegedly also supposed to be part of the family are you not? I was so glad to see that someone previously brought up feelings because I find testing the validity of statements on the litmus paper of emotions leads to the truth quite niftily.

For example at a family BBQ girl 1 overheard girl 2 say the following:

"We don't have to call her daughter's our cousins, they are not cousin's just because Uncle Joe married their mom"
What feeling is that? Jealousy? Anger? Love?

I think jealous angry exclusion pretty well sums up what was going on there. And I also suspect it was done deliberately at a public function not only to exclude but also embarrass your daughter and you with the loud and clear message “You are not part of MY family.” What mother isn’t going to feel stabbed in the heart to see her daughter so viciously excluded? Even the bitches doing the excluding would feel exactly as you do!

Fast forward and these dysfunctional chicks are doing what powerless yet highly aggressive females always do--A little ole behind the back indirect aggression that includes tactics such as “alliance building, exclusion, ignoring, malicious gossip, intimidation and manipulation.”

Their alliance building, which is what they are doing right now on FB, invariably includes BM even though they know uncle, brother, dad feels enormously betrayed by her. (hell, even they couldn’t stand BM until you came along) It has always remained a mystery to me why they would include the BM. My theory is they are so blinded by their zeal to exclude you that they overlook the fact that including BM is a huge betrayal of their blood family brother/uncle/father. Of course the men always notice that betrayal, even though these females don’t think they do.

You did nothing wrong. They are nothing more than transparent, silly, vicious women. Watch their actions on FB, chuckle to yourself then write a nice article about the subject for the local paper.

Cheers!

I hate to say it but I agree with the neice. They are not cousins just because you are married to their uncle. For cousins there should be some blood tie and in this situation there isn't.

Getting involved in a text war with a younger child/adult is petty. It is just too silly for words. You SHOULD have told your daughter in person "I am sorry she feels like that but would you REALLY want someone so mean spirited to be your cousin?"

I get your daughter's feelings were hurt and she overheard another conversation (so she was eavesdropping)where she was maligned. But it was a private conversation and it is how someone feels.

My MIL considers my kids her grandchildren eve though there is no blood tie. My parents are still alive (and live in another country) and my ex's parents are both deceased. However she accepts them as her grandchildren. Now I know this pisses my SIL off more than you can say. But SILs daughter considers my DHs ex STILL her aunt even though she is divorced from her bio uncle/ my DH. The only thing that binds them is the cousinhood through their fathers who are brothers. Now at not any time would I EVER expect my neice/SILs daughter to consider my kids her cousins. Nor do I really call SILs daughter my neice (although she is cos I am married to her fathers brother). People shouldn't be expected to accept open armed extended family as a right and bestow new relationhood upon them.

As for respect. In my world it is earned. You cannot DEMAND respect. If you have done nothing wrong then accept they are not the greatest of people or judges of character and never give them ANY reason to be rude to you or judge you. But I am sure they will regardless. In large families there is always someone who goes against the tide. You have only been married a few months yet together for 8 years. I don't know how the rest of the family see this but maybe you are the new one in the block. Maybe you are the one who has only JUST got the legal title of SIL/DIL.

But then again if the others are not all legally married then all their crap is petty and worthless.

Just ignore, raise your kids to NEVER behave like that and wait for them (DHs family) to come to you. Offer to have a grill out/ BBQ for July 4th. See who turns up. Accept offers to help and refer to yourself only as a family member.

this situation is so common in blended families. It is hurtful, I can totally relate. Unfortunately there are people who are not as big hearted or gracious as others. Your daughters sound like the kind spirited type and just naturally "accept as family" your husbands side. Too bad for the cousins of the other side, they are missing out on a great opportunity to bond with others who may have become great friends and family.

SMto5, this situation brought me here. As soon as I married DH, his 3 sisters turned against us. One spread vicious rumors and buddied up to the BM she "couldn't stand' before. Another turned her back on me in public but hugged her brother. The third refused to ever come over to see us (my house) like it was some den of iniquity.

It was all based on jealousy from SIL1, who is long divorced and enjoyed having DH as a buddy in misery. We were so incredibly in love yet had to deal with attacks from her and rudeness from the others. MIL was great, she has always loved me. After a couple of years, they accepted me and began to include me. But I don't care at all.

It is very confusing when you are treated this way. It is NOT normal or civil. Tell your DD that some people thrive on in group--out group mentality. What does your marriage to DH hurt any of them? Nada, right? So this is just petty game playing and bullying, designed to make them feel good about themselves. Bet your DD is pretty.
It's about them. Ignore them. Go on with your life. They are the ones losing out.

There is a big difference between overhearing and eavesdropping. One is unintentional, the other intentional. Sometimes people will have conversations with the precise purpose of you overhearing what they have to say without having to say it to you directly. Can hardly be called eavesdropping.

I am of the opposite belief about respect. I see respect as a given until such times as those people earn the right to not get respect. Disrespect is earned through your actions and words, not just a given because we don’t know you. Subsequent actions on FB have proven the true intentions.

I hope this discussion doesn’t get sidetracked into whether or not the letter should have been read, or whether or not a text should have been sent. Those are just red herrings. I think that given the level of distress SM is feeling (rightfully so) that she needs some compassion.

SMto5, this situation brought me here. As soon as I married DH, his 3 sisters turned against us. One spread vicious rumors and buddied up to the BM she "couldn't stand' before. Another turned her back on me in public but hugged her brother. The third refused to ever come over to see us (my house) like it was some den of iniquity.

It was all based on jealousy from SIL1, who is long divorced and enjoyed having DH as a buddy in misery. We were so incredibly in love yet had to deal with attacks from her and rudeness from the others. MIL was great, she has always loved me. The worst was when SD's son had his first birthday. We moved far away and had just purchased tickets to go home because my DD was having a baby in a few months. SD worked on her aunts and they bought DH a ticket to go to the party. Not me, and we couldn't afford it. DH felt emotionally blackmailed. I cried so much over that but it was a turning point. (maybe God did something) cause their attitudes changed after that event. I was the ONLY family member not there.

It is very confusing when you are treated this way. It is NOT normal or civil. Tell your DD that some people thrive on in group--out group mentality. What does your marriage to DH hurt any of them? Nada, right? So this is just petty game playing and bullying, designed to make them feel good about themselves. Bet your DD is pretty.
It's about them. Ignore them. Go on with your life. They are the ones losing out.

I don’t see anything wrong with the text either, but I can sure imagine how it would have gone over with that lot. “Who does she think she is! She isn’t my mother, she has no right to talk to me that way, nobody cares what she thinks,” blah, blah, blah.

The only mistake you made SM was you thought they give a shit about your feelings. They don’t.

I also don’t think anyone should have any expectation of privacy at a party. They were just conspiring together to justify why they don’t have to be nice to your daughter because she isn’t family. But, if she were a complete stranger I doubt they would have been so mean to her.

In my view when you invite people to a party, you welcome them, thank them for coming and then spend more than a minute talking to them. Not go out of your way to give them the cold shoulder. That is just rude!
Doesn't respect go both ways? Why is it that these "types" always think you have to earn their respect, but they never have to earn yours?

It's family. It doesn't have to make sense, and I suggest you not take anything personally. I come from a big family too. My exH hated going to family things with me and now so does my DH. These are nice people but all have their quirks. As do I. As does DH. As does HIS crazy family.

Maybe you can find one or two people in your husband's family that you do like and just enjoy their company and be polite to everybody else. You're just not going to be instant friends with everybody, nor is your daughter, until you have your own history with them. If you're patient and polite, I bet you get there.