Needing to vent
I have 2 skids and I'm starting to nearly hate them. They are so ungrateful for everything and the attitudes are out of this world. My SD is nearly 7 but acts like an entitled teenager. I guarantee when she was like 18 months she'd be sassy and everyone would fawn over how cute she was so she's never outgrown it. My SS is 10 and breaks down in tears til he gets his way. They're both behind in school and everyone else acts like it's a major accomplishment getting passed to the next grade despite the fact that schools won't hold kids back these days unless the parent requests it. My husband works nights so I end up being the primary caregiver at our house but they know they just have to wait 2 days til they go to their mom's and they get whatever they want. She doesn't enforce rules, doesn't make them do homework, and fixes each of them what they want every night for dinner at her house, so they think I'm a monster for not being a short order cook. I keep trying to disengage especially on school because I refuse to exhaust myself when they don't care and I have my son to worry about. He's a year younger than my SD and already ahead of her on reading and math. Any tips on how to disengage without feeling like a failure?
Need more info
It's hard to disengage when you are the sole adult at the house and kids are that young? Why don't they come on the nights your husband doesn't work? How many days per week are they at your house? Sounds like weekends from your reference to 2 days. If so, your husband will need to change his work schedule to be there to actually watch and spend time with his kids.
My husband and his ex wife
My husband and his ex wife work alternate days. They come to our house the night before their mom goes to work and I have them the first night while he's working and then he sleeps and tries to flip back to a daytime schedule. He's trying to change his schedule but so far there hasn't been any openings on day shift
The disparity of parenting
The disparity of parenting quality between both sides of a Skid's life is a pretty common situation in the blended family world. In our case... we adopted a zero tolerance stance and a don't give a shit what the rules are or aren't during SS's SpermLand visitation stance.
It took us a while to land on this as my DW was of the mind that we had to take an extended post visitation detox period before holding SS accountable for complying with the standards of behavior and performance in his REAL life at home with his mom and I. Not so difficult when his SpermClan visitation schedule was long distance. (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).
Regardless of the visitation schedule IMHO the Skids have to be held immediately accountable for their choices in your home regardless of whether or not they just got back from BM's or are departing for BM's and anywhere in between.
Do you have to deal with an EWE or EOWE visitation schedule? If it is EWE.... inform your DH that that shit ends immediately and it will be EOWE regardless of if the CO says.
The equitable kid free weenends thing is a hill to die on IMHO.
How do you do this?
Mostly a lurker on here, but I am 100% with you on needing equal weekends kid free. I am fighting that battle now (currently every other full weekend and every other weekend Thursday through Saturday) and we have filed with the court for a schedule modification. Mediation is scheduled, but BM doesn't look like she's going to budge.
Really curious about your comment on enforcing it despite the custody order. How do you do that? Any advice? (Joint physical and legal custody, BM primary, we currently have 6 nights out of 14, BM has 8, we're hoping for 50-50 week on week off, if any of that matters.)
The only built in advantage
The only built in advantage the NCP has is that they can refuse visitation which leaves the CP on the hook for care of the SKids during the time that the NCP refuses.
Just don't take the visitations that infringe on your life, marriage, and family. In the case you describe, I would instruct your SO to decline the partial weekend visitations EOW until you have the modified CO making it W-on/W-off.
That's such an interesting thing to know.
I'll check with our lawyer to see if that works in our state. If BM truly refuses to budge that's a pretty good way to hold her feet to the fire. Just have to make sure my SO would be on board with that.
I guess I am just a bitch but
I guess I am just a bitch but had my DH worked when he was supposed to have his daughter, she would not have come over. He would have had to change his visitation or something because visitation was for her to see him, not for her to hang out with ME.
In all of the years that my SD was young, I watched her ONCE for 4 hours, when DH had to work early on a Saturday morning. And, she slept through 2 of those 4 hours.
However, my SD did not have an attitude and was not a little brat.
You are not a failure because you choose to disengage from unruly, unparented children. They are not your responsibility, just because you are married to their dad. Their education is not your responsibility.
You are not a failure
You did not make these two bratolas, you have no authority that should be going along with the responsibility you have, so you need to discuss a different visitation schedule with your partner.
Its tough disengaging when you are primary caregiver of two children that are not being raised to be decent humans. ITs like you are being set up to fail. The best you can do is bare minimum then save the "heavy stuff" for when your partner gets home. Homework, cleaning stuff like that. If they dont like what you prepare, they dont eat. Thats the normal way of things.
DH needs to adjust his work
DH needs to adjust his work schedule, his visitation schedule, or find a babysitter. I learned the hard way that a step parent doesn't matter. So be a step parent and step back from raising these little brats. You didn't contribue egg or sperm, so step back and let those who chose to procreate raise their own spawn. Spend time with your precious, and seemingly well developed, child.
Agree
DH can't expect you to babysit his kids. Either he adjust his work schedule or find day care for his kids. Get a job any job. Volunteer do anything to just get out of the house every day. So you hold his feet to the fire.