I never thought I would be disengaging......
Married 8 years, dated almost 3 years. When we met, I had 1 daughter (14 years old) and he had 3 boys (7, 8, 9) and 1 girl (5 years old). I've grown to love his kids as my own. I've never referred to them as my husband's children or my step children, there were MY KIDS. There were challenges blending our family, so many good and bad experiences.
Present day: As the kids finished high school, it got harder. The negative changes were surprising to me. I've found that in the end, they do NOT need me, they've always needed their birth father and their birth mother. So why tf did I stress myself out and put everything I had (blood, sweat, tears, time, love, money, etc) into them when in the end, I am just their step mom.
I have been disengaging for the past 2 years. I found new freedom and peace in my life. I sometimes feel guilty because I never thought I would have to disconnect from my kids who NOW I refer to as my step kids (especially the 3 boys that decided to leave our home disruptly with disrespect and ungratefulness).
I have no regrets, I still love them but it is definitely a different kind of love than I felt before. Is that wrong?
What's wrong is that it took
What's wrong is that it took you 11 years to figure it out.
Basically you did all the parenting grunt work for nothing. Of course kids will always prefer their bio parents. That's how nature intended it.
I disengaged because I was
I disengaged because I was continually hurt by SD. Every time I saw her, it was a 50-50 chance I'd come away feeling awful, then the fight with my husband always followed, making us feel awful. I'd imagine SD going on about her happy life while he and I were in a cold, painful war. I disengaged to stop feeling awful and stop the fights between my husband and me. It has worked pretty well, so how can I feel bad about disengaging?
I think disengagement is a last resort for most of us. And it comes from a place of pain and a need to protect ourselves. How can that be bad? It does signal failure of the relationship -- you're not trying anymore -- but neither are they. It's a draw.
In your case, it sounds as if it wasn't always a bad relationship with your skids. Maybe that means there's hope the relationship might change again in time and get back on track. But there's something to be said for pushing back and drawing your boundary -- they must know how they behave is not OK with you.
My other thought is that I hope you didn't disengage only because they show preference for their parents. You don't really say that they've mistreated you (it sounds as if there was a blowup of some sort that sent them packing) -- only that you feel they needed their parents more than you. It's unrealistic to expect them to prefer you over their parents, even if you've done as much or more for them. The saying, "Blood is thicker than water," exists for a reason.
If it's been two years and you have peace you didn't have before, disengagement is probably a good thing. But if you're questioning it now, after two years, I'm not sure that's total peace. Maybe figure out if your feelings were hurt because your expectations were unrealistic.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with taking care of you.
I raised my SS-26 as my own. His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. I was just his dad. To avoid the pain of "Your not my dad......., etc..." I just focused on protecting his best interests and guiding his chosen behaviors.
It worked out well for us.
Don't beat yourself up over it all. Enjoy your empty nester adventure and make your marriage your focus. The kids/Skids will either be reasonable or they won't. If they chose to not be reasonable... apply escalatingly painful consequences until they get on board with reasonable behavior.
Good luck and take care of you.
i wish my SO thought like you
i wish my SO thought like you do in punishing the hateful spawn for nasty behavior!
Don't have any regrets over
Don't have any regrets over your decision to disengage. You did it because you had to and to save your sanity. You can go to bed at night knowing you did the best you could and that you're a kind hearted person. What ever issues your step kids have is on them, do not take on their burden. Live your best life and do all the things that you love & enjoy.
Its time that you look out for you and to h@ll with ungrateful people. Life is way too short!
teenagers in general are not
teenagers in general are not nice people at times - with step parents or parents. i wouldn't take that as sign of you are not important to them. you ARE their step parent after all - so if you called that - try not to be offended. i'm sure they realize all you've done for them. just be proud of what you have done.