Hit the wall
Hi everyone,
I've been a bio mum for 18 years, step mum for 6 years.
Currently feel like I have hit the wall with all of it.
I feel anxiety and panic every time my step kids arrive. There's a whole range of reasons for this... it's a long story. It has never been easy.
But I feel like I've reached a tipping point where I feel like I can't face another 8 years of it. The idea of them getting bigger, more expensive, more time consuming, more invasive...when they already are so big, expensive, time consuming, invasive...
You get the idea. I'm overloaded and maxing out.
My eldest has left home but I have sole care of my youngest who has a 24/7 health condition. Which is very tiring for both of us.
I am quite isolated with no family support and my husband travels weekly for work. Both me and my daughter are quiet, neat, introverted and live in a way we feel comfortable. We are basically a twosome most of the time when my husband is working away. It is a very peaceful harmonious situation. It helps us deal with the health complications. When my husband is home, the three of us live in a similar way. It's quite adult and we all get along well.
My step kids are the opposite. Very noisy, messy, grubby, relentlessly sick with colds etc. So it feels like a major invasion every time they arrive and we are just waiting for it to end... :(
But that's every week. I experience a lot of cognitive dissonance over it. I wish I felt differently and not like bolting from the house. But I haven't successfully changed it. Unexpected extra visits make the stress even worse.
I am always tired from the load my own life and kids impose so the arrival of more children that aren't mine and are being raised so differently has felt really insurmountable over the years.
We have already implemented some detachment etc. E.g. I don't look after my step kids on my own. It's their dad's job. He manages most of their care and all of their parenting. We keep separate bathrooms while they are visiting to mitigate the differences in mess and destruction etc. But that doesn't change the fact that there are five people in our house instead of two. Etc.
My husband is the love of my life and saved me from an abusive rship. I absolutely adore him and despite not understanding the realities of what I feel, he does everything he can to be supportive. He has realised that the level of distress I am feeling at the moment is significant. We have talked about separate living but it's not financially viable and neither of us want to live apart.
I feel all the kids should be able to relax and feel comfortable in our home. They should be able to be themselves and feel welcome. I have tried so hard to make this happen. My step kids are sweet and funny. They seem to like me despite what a hermit I am. I never let them see my discomfort. None of this is their fault.
But I can't see myself coping indefinitely. Or at least for now it feels so insurmountable.
Has anyone experienced this kind of burnout? Any tips or advice would be much appreciated.
Thanks.
"he does everything he can to
"he does everything he can to be supportive". Does he parent his kids in a way that makes the home tolerable for you? You are lacking in details, but kind of hinting at NO.
I have 9 more years, and I totally understand
We're dealing with PAS, so that's what I attribute a lot of the weight of having the skids in the house to, but I know that there's just stress that goes along with having additional children in the home.
From what you've said, it sounds like you would be well-advised to bring on a therapist to help you learn to manage the stress. Maybe even look at medication for when the skids will be there or when the anxiety/stress gets too much. I had to bring on xanex for awhile, just to cope. And you're a caregiver, as well, which is STRESSFUL to start with, even if it feels manageable most of the time. It sounds, too, like you're not getting a lot of downtime with your DH when the skids aren't around, which is hard to deal with, too.
Maybe you need some help
you should see someone, on how to deal with SK, it seems it’s more of a your problem .
My problem
Thanks Harry. I agree.
I have deliberately written my post as my problem because I genuinely believe the only people we can change or control are ourselves.
I could include other information that could point the blame at my husband or his ex or my ex or the kids or whatever. I could gather support for me being a bit hard done by etc.
But nobody finds these situations easy and blaming others doesn't help me. Venting only has limited benefit for me. I could be very justified in my objections but that doesn't change anything for me. If anything, it makes me more frustrated.
Which is why I hopped on here to ask for suggestions from anyone else who may have experienced this kind of burnout.
I think as a general rule, step parents do go the extra mile to try to make things work. Both my husband and I have certainly put in the time and effort and had to face major learning curves ourselves. I see how hard he works on all this even though he is way out of his depth emotionally. I apparently act as the family glue and I compensate for whatever isn't working.
Just sometimes the family glue gets tired that's all.
So I think you are right, I could use some help. I'm just wondering if anyone on here has had success in ways to mitigate this kind of stress. Or successfully come out the other side....
Welcome to the site! You
Welcome to the site! You sound a nice person, who is under a lot of stress. Would you mind sharing what your daughter's health issues are or at least how old she is? and how this impacts on you. How old are your stepkids and how often and for how long are they with you?
It's good that you have at least somewhat detached and that your husband picks up the slack with the SKIDs. Does your husband realise how desperate you are feeling now? or that you are thinking you might not want to continue if nothing changes? Why do you have to deal with "unexpected extra visits"? not a lot of us step mothers would have been happy with that!!
Has anyone experienced this kind of burnout?
While not the same situation as yours, burnout creeps up periodically. DW sees it and will sometimes intervene.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I know it can be a real challenge.
For me, it's never been any one thing, but an accumulation of a lot of stuff without an adequate way to blow off some steam. What has been getting me is I'm remembering a long history of things because these problems occur, DW talks to her kids, and it'll be better for a little while till things blow over, then they are back at it.
Further, DW has a habit of trivializing my feelings and she marginalizes me pretty frequently. I point it out to her sometimes - it really isn't good for the relationship (and it seems it's a red flag) to have to have these chats as often as we do.