A lil about me...
Well, I found this site almost 3 weekends ago. I had a pretty rough weekend with DH and SD and pretty well disengaged for the weekend. I think that was a good lesson for all of us! 
DH and I have been together 3.5 years, married a lil over 2. He has 2 kids with his ex, and I also have 2 with my ex. It has been quite the rollercoaster ride. I love my husband with all my heart and can honestly say I have experienced some of the absolute best times of my life with him. Then, sometimes, the rollercoaster drops and there's been some pretty low lows. We went through an absolutely HORRENDOUS custody battle with his ex that was ridiculously expensive, time consuming, intrusive, you name it. DH and his son do not talk or have a relationship at all, SD however, does have visitation. DH and BM do NOT communicate and they really never have. Her and I communicated for almost a year, that went great as long as I agreed with her, but if I didn't or I tried to get her to see things from DH's point it was a battle. Long story short, not my child, not my problem, not my place to battle with HER. She is NOT my ex and it is not my issue to figure out how SD gets back and forth. I finally told her I didn't think her and I communicating was going to work...
Because, you know... I also have an ex and two kids...
In all honesty, for the MOST part him and I communicate fine and are able to work together for what we feel is in the best interest of our kids. Not to say we always agree, but we have learned to pick our battles and sometimes it's a matter of "I don't like it, but I have NO control over what YOU allow." In other words sometimes he needs to trust MY judgement and I have to do the same. In the end I am proud to say that my kids are pretty well adjusted for kids of divorce.
Blending is HARD and some days I'm not sure we will ever really be blended. There are still many days that I feel like we're two different families living under the same roof and that is REALLY HARD... DH and I have very different parenting styles and that is just an added complication... but we do what we can and somedays I guess all you can do is hope you're doing the right thing...
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Your story is a lot like mine
Our stories are so very similar. Even the time period, together 3 years married almost two. I have two boys and he has three girls. I, too, used to be the go between and as long as I agreed with her all was well in the world and when I disagreed it "was none of my business". Convenient. My ex and I also have a wonderful co-parenting relationship. It comes from respect and a common goal - the kids. I think that what makes this so hard for people like you and I. We know that it IS possible to co-parent without all the fighting. But these women have their jaded priorities and are so selfish that they are what cause our lives to be roller coasters.
I just hope that my love for this great man supercedes the hate I have for her and this whole situation. I want to grow old with him and just hope we lose all contact with her somewhere along the way.
I know what you mean.
You would think that everyone can see we have MANY years ahead of us. It doesn't end when the kids grow up. You have graduations, marriages, grandkids... bottom line... we have a lifetime together to some degree just because there are KIDS involved.
I remember telling my ex that once when we did get into it. I said you know, we can do this the easier way or we can make it difficult. The thing is we will ALWAYS have to communicate with each other and deal with each other simply because we had kids together.
I sure wish DH and BM could figure out SOME way to put the kids first and let all their old marriage/divorce/custody issues behind them. But I really don't see that happening... *sigh*
It is what it is...