Family Outings, Not as a Family
My SO isn’t pleased with the fact that I don’t want to do anything outside the house with SS9. He has so many issues he has managed to cause some sort of stress in every outing we have had: theme park, water park, baseball game, etc…hell we can’t even have dinner at home without something it seems. Most of it surrounds the fact that he has food issues/obsessions, anxiety & needs constant attention. It drives me bonkers. SS9 lives with us full time & my BS13 lives here 50% of the time. BS13 is also annoyed with all of SS9 issues.
I flat out told SO I do not want to do anything with SS9 until he makes some serious progress in counseling because I do not enjoy the outings & I prefer to not put myself in that situation. He doesn’t like my response but I told him it is the honest truth & he can’t deny we have had a situation with every single outing. This has spanned over the last year, it’s been awhile & not improved.
Is this wrong? I understand SO is hurt by this but I am not going to lie to him & I have already tried multiple times to go on outings and wished I would have stayed home. I prefer to not put myself in the situation to begin with because once I am irritated by it all, it takes me awhile to right my ship. I have disengaged quite a bit & I feel this is one more form of it.
What kind of input and
What kind of input and feedback do you and your DH get from his therapist and teachers at school?
At this point, he has been a full time child in your home.. under your DH's parenting control.. and while his mother may be a destabilizing influence.. I would think at this point.. the a more stable and consistant parenting approach would have started to take hold and help improve behaviors. Do you think your DH parents consistently? What kind of behaviors happen in the home that still need working on.. and how do they get addressed when they occur? Is your husband consistent with consequences and boundaries for his son?
It's not unusual for kids to be a bit out of sorts.. cranky and for them to have some amnesia over how things are done at home when they transition from one home to the next. I would do my best to make those transition days calm.. with few high stakes expectations.. basically don't overface the kid with more than he can process.. don't give him more opportunities or things to deal with than necessary.. transition days should be low key.. preferably with early bedtimes.. no exciting movies... or electronics that "crank him up".
When you go out... has your husband tried just doing small outings... in lower stakes environments (like not having driven 3 hours to some special event)..to practice behavior outside the home? Does he go over expectations prior to a trip so that he and his son are on the same page. Like.. SS.. we are going to go to the park today.. we are going to plan on having lunch at noon.. if you need a snack, I will have pretzels and a water.. I'm not going to be buying ice creams or candy today. The restaurant has hamburgers and chicken nuggets on the kid's menu.. you can choose one of those. We are going to nana greg's today.. remember, we do not touch other people's things without permission. right? What did I just say we do not do? (make kid repeat).. And.. be prepared to abort missions when his son is unable to hold it together.. not necessarily when the kid says or does one little thing that is "wrong".. but when it is clear he is not able to manage to behave despite corrections. Small timeouts.. .. like.. ss.. if you can't keep your voice down.. we will have to go out and sit in the car until you can calm down.. you might miss the cake."
I am not sure the extent of his behaviors.. or the extent of your frustration with the kid is impacting.. and you can't tolerate even a minor hiccup.. Either way.. his behavior shouldn't be a huge issue for you because dad should be handling it.. separating him and taking him aside.. and away from you and others to keep behaviors from impacting others.
Food is the Issue
The therapist has not even scratched the surface here yet. I'm not happy with the therapist, this is #2. Child therapists are impossible to find. Almost ALL of our outings (and home dinner issues) surround food. He has an unhealthy relationship with it & was raised by it. His mother fed him bagged food & whatever junk he wanted & he won't touch a vegetable. 3 years later, he finally doesn't cry when something unfamiliar, touches his plate. He is heavy, has low self esteem about his size, refused activity all summer, has no self control & I have to hide & limit food. We have had endless talks about food in positive ways as his father & I both struggled with food & our weight from childhood on. SS9s food struggles are 100% emotionally driven. He got active & lost weight when he came here & with BMs return, he has ballooned up in size again. He becomes obsessed by food when we go places & his anxiety fuels it further. Asks for it, about it, makes comments around it non-stop-all of it drives me bonkers when we are out. He becomes an obsessive talker when his anxiety amps & dominates all conversations. When he doesn't get the food he wants it is followed by an attitude, poutyness, or he won't eat what he did get because he is extremely picky. He wastes food all the time, which we are not ok with. He has moved to sneaking & hiding it to waste it so he can get something else. It's an endless cycle & it needs professional intervention IMHO, and a lot of it. Yes, I am at the point one hiccup just sends me over the edge. He is almost 10 & we are 3 years in to this shitshow.
SO will discuss expectations prior but no he doesn't remove him from our situation when this stuff occurs, maybe that's key. Take him off to pout somewhere else. I can't stand to be around the aura of stink when someone doesn't get their way. It fuels my fire & I should not be the one seeking to escape.
Transitioning is a completely different thread. His BM is a nightmare & frankly I don't know why she is around. It's clear she has no real interest in him & she has created the high majority of his issues. I will never understand these people. Just go away & let your kid have a normal life vs one where they can't figure out why you are such a messed up liar who makes their life a disappointing hell.
This post came from my BS21 having 3 MLB tickets & inviting me & his brother and SO saying- maybe SS9 & I would like to go with you guys too? It's a 4 hour drive across the state, a hotel stay, they don't have tickets & absolutely no way are they coming with us. At this point there are so many issues I just don't feel SS9 has earned something like that until he can get some handling on the food issues. I suggested if he wated to take him they could go on their own & it wasn't well received. Not to mention, I make 2x more $$$ than SO and we don't share. It's a spendy outing & I refuse to foot the bill for SS9 on any of these things. I just took SO to his 1st MLB game for our anniversary, not sure why he thinks SS9 should get the same privilege under the current circumstances but ok...
" maybe SS9 & I would like to
" maybe SS9 & I would like to go with you guys too"
Well, maybe they would but since when can't you spend special time with your kids? Maybe you would like some time with your sons, just the three of you. He has a damn cheek trying to muscle in on your invitation. And no, nobody's fooled, we all know that his motivation is to not have to look after his son alone. Well, tuff, kiddo, he's your son, enjoy the one-on-one time with him.
I think SO wants to be a family so bad
That he doesn't realize the dynamics of a blended family just don't allow for it sometimes (or often in our case where SS9 isn't pleasant for me to be around). I explained to him BS21 already has 3 tickets & as a courtesy I was asking permission to go because we have a dog & I needed to make sure he didn't have plans already that would require me to board the dog. That ask wasn't however a free invite for me to board the dog so they too could go buy their own tickets & tag along. They weren't initially excluded (because they weren't invited) but then I got kinda mad & clearly excluded them from tacking on to my party. Go create your party on a different weekend if you prefer, without me!
Your SO Isn’t doing anything
To improve SS life. He must set rules and make SS follow the rule. It's all about CONTROL. SS wants to control your life. He sants to control """ theme park, water park, baseball game, etc…hell we can’t even have dinner at home without something it seems. """. Your SO a is letting this happen. He's not parenting his DS. He understandably is upset. But he should be upset with himself. For letting this go on. For destroying his relationship with you
This is exactly how I feel
I have said he dominates our home & I'm tired of it. This child was dumped on our porch 3 yrs ago (literally) by BM so he has various control issues. SO does manage him relatively well but personally I don't think he puts the hammer down hard enough on his behavior enough to stop it permanently. I am pretty tough on the kids & even I don't have any advice on what to do here because my kids just weren't this way. 500x of repeating, taking stuff away, punishing...it still doesn't stick. SS9 has so many issues from BM abandonment & drama (plus she came back & has full visitation) that I'm not sure he will ever recover. IMO, something way worse happened to him that has yet to come out.
Your husband is biologically linked with his kid so
Automatically stuck with him. You however are not because you are an outsider with no biological connections and any relationship is dependent upon both being civil. We are not conditioned to unconditionally love skid and suck it up.
So if your spouse refuses to make the kid civil and pleasant to be around, they can't expect you to think their kids is the next best thing since sliced bread
So Very True
And sadly correct, SO is stuck with him too. When you breed with a bottom feeder, this IS the result. He is fully aware of all his issues & believes he is short a can in the 6 pack but we can't get anyone to agree or help us with that for some reason. He just keeps saying something isn't right in his wiring...
My SO can't understand anything of what you said here because he says he loves my children like they are his own. I have no idea how that could be possible? My kids must be really amazing or he doesn't like his kids that much. Men & women are so different.
Do not let SO put this on you or guilt you. Don't guilt yourself
The issue is the behavior of SO's child. Focus on that. Keep that front and center and keep providing SO with clarity that it is on him to parent accordingly and get his kid counseling if SO wants the family activity thing.
I applaud your communicaiton with SO and taking the stand that this on SO to fix.
Hoping for a miracle
In counseling. This kid is really a mess & sadly I don't see a fix as long as BM is around. He has major anxiety, low self worth & extreme food issues. Our consistent parenting had improved all of that considerably until BM returned & he just snowballed backwards & then some. Everyone has noticed. I can see he is clearly headed for an eating disorder of he doesn't already have one, it's awful.
SO and I communicate well, probably many times he wishes I would just zip it already.
What about medication? I've
What about medication? I've seen kids with the most despicable behaviors turned around with risperidone and abilify. While these are antipsychotics, they're widely used for behaviour management in neurodivergent, traumatised and otherwise unmanageable kids. I used to be against psychotropics for kids, but I think mainly because of lack of information available and fearmongering.
One foster family comes to mind whose multiple grandkids were my patients. Poor granddad and stepgran got lumped in with at least 4-5 of them (another 5 floating elsewhere or adults now) after authorities discovered there was a whole bunch of them being birthed and raised by druggie parents in a trailer deep in the woods, when they decided to send about 5 of them to school in one go, all different ages and literally feral.
Stepgran told me she and her husband lost tenancy in at least one house, because once the kids had gone through it (all primary school aged), the ceilings were hanging down, all doors were ripped off hinges, the old and placid family dog had to be put down after he snapped and mauled the little girl that was persistently trying to break its' back. These kids were truly evil at that point and I didn't think anything would help. Gran was losing it, but for some reason she felt she loved them. These kids would refuse to leave my office (I'm a physician), grab my personal things, try to stuff them in their pockets telling me they were "taking something from here". Gran would constantly battle with them and had to rip things out of their claws.
Anyway, they went to see a good paediatrician that specialises in challenging behaviours and prescribed the antipsychotics. I couldn't believe the turnaround: the kids come in, sit on the chair, smile, good eye contact, ask me if it's ok to do X,Y,Z before even moving, and that evil black hole look in their eye is gone. I thought it would be temporary, but it's been at least six months now and their good presentation is maintained.
The family dog, as far as they know, "has gone to live on a farm" though. I don't think I could ever forgive that.
I absolutely believe he needs medication
But no one has suggested it which shocks me in today's society where a pill is the answer to everything. I think he has anxiety, possible depression, a processing disorder, ADHD and an unhealthy association with food. Number 1 is his anxiety but counseling has yet to really uncover much of why or is not able to get him to talk about past trauma. I think he fabricates stories anyway so not sure if the info they get would be worth anything. I also think he needs more than a counselor to assess his issues. Personally I see increasing signs of manipulation, anger & other things I don't like and I will continue to monitor it because I do have a point where I will pull the plug on all of this if it is just getting worse in the wrong ways.