DH is not handling this well

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I am new to this forum, but a quick background - I have raised 3 son's and helped raise 3 other SS's with very little issue except for normal children things. I felt helping raise my SO's youngest child from a 2nd marraige would be easy-peasy, but I was so wrong.

We have primary custody of SS12, but DH's 2nd ex is a monster (and that's putting it mildly - I will probably post in some other forums or start a blog because I have a lot people can learn from). What little visitation BM gets, she uses to manipulating SS12 into coming home and terroizing us. Again, long back story. I digress...

I started disengaging from my SS12 about a year ago after reading about it online. I started disengaging because I was beginning to resent my SS12, and unintentionally, resenting my SO. It was easy, if not comforting at first. But, then it wasn't.

My SO realized I was not as involved with SS12 and began to push me to be more active in the paretning role - which for him means I am the parent. He had every excuse in the world - "but he loves you", "you are are a better mother than his BM and he needs your influence", "You knew I had a son when we got married", "you don't like him because of his mother (there is a little truth to that, but he acts like her, so it's difficult)", " I don't have the time, energy, money (did I mention I pay for almost everything and they live in a house I already owned?),", etc...

During the disengagement of SS12 I worked very hard to give DH and SS time together, but I also wanted time for me and my SO. What I didn't want is the pretend family that my SO wanted, so I stopped all 'family outings'. What I did was start being more attentive to my SO during our time. He seemed to be enjoying this until....Recently SS12 has started playing multiple sports to DH's encouragement. He expects me to attent practices, every game, help with pick-up and drop off's, ect. I told him "no" and used my demaning job as an excuse. We both work, but SO aslo has other extra-cirriculars he doesn't want to give up to be a parent.

I also stopped doing 'family' grocery shopping because SS12 has zero food boundaries and since I pay every other bill I figure DH can buy his child food.

There is plenty more, but these are the 2 red flags my SO saw. Now he is effectively disengaging from me. He says we can't be a part-time family. I try to explain that we are not a 'family'. We have no children together and all of the other children are grown. I tell him we are husband and wife and he is raising a child. This makes him angry at me - the man who never gets angry at his YS or BM. He says SS12 can't help who his BM is, but I say he can stop the maniputation and deception. He is afraid if he says or does anything SS12 will want to go live with BM (which wouldn't be good for him).

I'm at a loss. How do I successfully disengage with SS12 and maintain a healthy relationship with my SO? I would love to hear a man's view on this.

He doesn't sound like a very

He doesn't sound like a very good husband, to tell you the honest truth. Mine has NO expectations of me when it comes to SS12. We are long distance, but the times he is here, all of the parenting and taxiing around is on him. We do not do family outings. The rare times he is here with just me, I just make sure he is fed and safe, the same way I would for any kid, but I don't go out of my way for him. HE IS NOT MY CHILD and your SS is NOT YOUR CHILD. Your husband is pawning off his parenting, living in your house, and bottom line USING YOU.

When we met he was a full

When we met he was a full time college student and there is proof his ex destroyed his credit, so I thought after school he would start being more responsible. We also had 50% custody of his MS from his 1st marriage and there were no issues. I do feel used which is one of the many of reasons for disengaging. This is no easy.

Agree with the above

Your DH needs to be more worried about being a user and a leech on you, your time and resources.

Ive been with my fiancé almost 11 years. I do none of what he is asking you to do. Sure we eat dinner together, but that's about it.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I'm not a man either, but how

I'm not a man either, but how did you end up raising all of his kids AND paying for everything? Seems to me he had a sweet gig up until now and he'd like that back. Where'd his wife go? The one that was willing to do all the parenting and pay all the bills? Not fair!

You have all the power here, don't give in to his pouty sulking and make him parent his kid.

My kids were grown - YBS was

My kids were grown - YBS was a senior in HS - when we met. His older children from his 1st marriage were never an issue and their BM is a good person, good mother. My house was close to being paid for and he was a full time college student, I have a good job. He had a previous career that Ex #2 destroyed (there is proof, she is wicked), so I had high hopes. BM1 warned me about BM2, but I didn't listen - you know, bitter ex, blah, blah, blah. I know my SS12 is better off with me and his dad, but I really did expect SO to step up when he started working. I haven't even got to the part about asking to pay some of the bills - wouldn't you know it, he is broke from all of the court and attorney fees and paying off the debt his ex ran up in his name. This is why groceries was a small step. And mind you I buy my own food. He was just used to me buying everythign and cooking every night. No more hot meals or live in babysitter. I feel like I am raising two more children when I should be enjoying my life. I had my children young so I still have a lot of life left. I don't want to spend it on an ungrateful SO and a manipulative SS.

We have a saying around here

We have a saying around here -- you can't care more than the parents.

If your SO isn't willing to handle the sports practices, games, etc., why does he expect YOU to pick up his slack? I'll tell you why. Because it's easiest on HIM. You're changing the game to save your own sanity and your SO doesn't like that HE has to now put in parenting effort. It was great for HIM when you did all the work, including emotional labor, for a family that isn't yours.

Your SO is throwing a hissy little mantrum. If you reengage because of that, you will again feel all the negative feelings you carried around before PLUS a growing resentment toward him.

Why does he not want to parent his own son, other than laziness? Why are HIS wants more important than your needs? (Hint: they aren't, but he's trying to manipulate you into confusion about want vs. need.)

It's not the same but...

I often point out that I've done more for DH and skids than he has ever done for my bio. I point out that his brood is also much more difficult. It helps, at least for me, that I can point out that he doesn't treat mine like his own, either. I get that your kids were already pretty much grown, but maybe that argument could hold weight. Honestly the things that helped my DH was me holding my boundaries and being willing to let it all go. If he wants to disengage from you, he can move the hell out (what I would do). If it's part time, then BYE, I'll see you 15 hours a week like a part-time gig. The marriage is full time, but the parenting is his job.

And in terms of SS, I've always made it clear that relationships require both people. Step-parenting isn't a martyrdom gig. You've already given SO MUCH. Far beyond what is required. Your DH is right that it's not the kid's fault who his mother is, BUT GUESS WHO CHOSE THAT? And why is she and he off the hook but you have to do all the work??? Like only making him responsible for rides to games and groceries is so so so not a big deal. Definitely stick to your boundaries, and although I don't like ultimatums, I've found that (unfortunately) they do work.

I'm sorry he sucks. For what it's worth, you sound like a caring person and a good partner.