I buy for my skids, who are young, but I can assure you I wouldn't buy anything for a skid who couldn't acknowledge a gift (that is a failure on the part of the parents and should have been taught and reinforced when they were young) or recognize me on my birthday and holidays.  My skids do all of that, so I enjoy giving them gifts.

I do not buy gifts for DH's adult kids. He sends a nice card with a check, and I'm pretty sure he signs the card from both of us. There is no need for me to do anything for them.

I don't spend any money on skid. 

appreciative, and I did it to help DH out. It was rarely reciprocated, and when it was it was seldom anything I wanted, or could use. After not so much as a "thank you" I flat out stopped. In all honesty, these "kids" and grandkids have MORE THAN ANY HUMAN BEING can possibly want, use or need. The more you give them, the more they think they're entitled to. Dh has already given them everything he owns (& it's quite a lot) debt free. Realistically, what can be bought that would hold a candle to that??

We've actually scaled things back quite a bit, and do not gift anyone but each other, and we give to charitable causes, the elderly etc. That's the spirit of Christmas.

No! DO NOT BUY THEM A THING. Not your circus, not your monkeys!

Ugh. It's always the same old step poo around the holidays. And the selfishness just goes on forever unless someone speaks up and makes a change.

I have to give credit where it's due, and at a certain point as the family grew, my in laws announced that we'd be doing Christmas differently: instead of everyone having to buy for everyone else, adults (over 18) would draw a name and give a gift(s) with a $50 dollar limit, while children would still receive prezzies from "Santa". While the main motivation was to create a more affordable gift exchange (especially for the senior citizens who were faced with the budget-breaking expectation of shopping for every Tom, Dick, and Harry), it also created a policy that helped young adults grow from takers to givers - something that sadly NEVER happens in a lot of step families.

Families grow and change over time, and traditions need to evolve as well. Why don't you suggest drawing names to your DH? And if he doesn't want to rock the boat, level with him. Tell him it's time his older kids took their place as adults in the family, and that includes giving as well as receiving. If need be, tell him how hurt you are to have done so much for them only to receive zero in return, and that your heart can't take it anymore. Sometimes, showing vulnerability is a cagey move as it's something that's difficult to argue with.

My SD is 11. I do recieve christmas gifts from her, not always that well thought out, but I do get them. I got birthday gifts when she lived with us, but now when she lives with her mom my birthday is not acknowledged. But then only this year did she even wish her dad happy birthday on his birthday (I think BM was after something around then...I forget what now). For now I do not mind getting her things. I often see small things that I might get her for her birthday or christmas. Larger gifts I let my husband buy and are usually from us both on the label. 

I bought my SDs gifts for many years, until their late teens.  However, my own birthday was never acknowledged, and the few Xmas gifts I got, looked like they had come from the back of one of NPD BM's cupboards, (I got a small bottle of vinegar once with a thick covering of dust) or from a £1 shop.  I remember once, DH apologising to me for these "gifts".  

The last time I bought one of them a gift was on SD24's 18th birthday.  Shortly after that, I felt I'd had enough of buying gifts for (now) adults when it was never reciprocated, and I have not bought a b'day or Xmas gift for either of them since, those days are over. 

When SS was young, I got him gifts and he was always appreciative;  and DH (or sometimes BM, shocker) would help him get something for me.  He's not a greedy, grabby kind of kid, but once he was alienated, I stopped doing anything like that for him. Now he doesn't acknowledge DH on his birthday or father's day, or so far, Christmas.  DH gets him gifts, I just don't anymore.  Once he starts being a real son to DH, perhaps I would, but right now, nope. He doesn't seem to expect it, or care.

I haven't, for years.

No I do not. None of them wish me a happy birthday even the older ones or give me gifts plus there's six of them. I already have my own friends and family members to buy gifts for. Also, these kids are spoiled to the bone. They have had iPhones by 10 years old. The 13 year old has a MacBook she got two years ago. The 8 and 10 year old have had tablets for years.

I think recognizing holidays and birthdays are important. DH flies by the seat of his pants. The skids have learned not to pay attention either.

This year I have gotten the skids bday gifts just from me. I don't wait for DH or let him use my gift as from him, too. However, last year's Xmas was so pathetic, I'm torn whether I'm going to get the skids gifts. And the evidence is that I haven't gotten any yet and I'm usually done by now. It's also in the back of my head that a pathetic Xmas for the skids might also be just what they need. It's hard: am I being a good example or a chump if I get them something?

If I give a gift it's without expectations of receiving anything in return but if there is not in the very least a thanks anywhere in that, I wouldn't spend another dollar. I don't waste my time or energy on ungrateful people.

I used to buy gifts for The SSs.  The first year I bought Christmas (And convieniently DH didn’t ughh) and made Easter Baskets and birthday cards....only to have them complain about what they got, leave the gifts behind and generally be jerks.   The next year I bought small token gifts for each of them at Christmas only and finally stoped all together.   The last two years DH hasn’t bothered to buy anything for OSs or MSS since they are PASd.  The last year be bought them anything it was gift cards only and they didn’t bother coming over to get them so I spend them on DH and I.   

I have never gotten any gift from the SSs and only one happy birthday hug from oss about 4 years ago.   I refuse to spend money on people I dislike.

I scaled back once it became clear it was a gift grab. Esp w/OSD. Since she left I've not given her a thing. Last year I helped with stocking stuffers for YSD and she either threw away or gave things to friends, and one item is still on her shelf, in original packaging and unused. It may disappear one of these days since it's been almost avyear now.

I get her one gift, and one gift certificate. However, neither of those were used either. And she had refused (yes refused) to write a list.

DH and I talked about what to do this year. He had discovered unused money in the SDs accounts (gift accounts, from over a year ago) and told me that heck, he's using it for himself. Good! He got a couple socking stuffers for YSD too.

We are leaning to maybe just a couple gifts IF she lets us know what she wants. Some of you know she's the one who doesn't tell us what she wants/needs or doesn't want to make a decision. She just doesn't care about gifts. Yes, it's wierd and detatched. So I'll likely get her some pjs and be done with it.

I used to buy gifts for the SD's. I got a $1 plastic toy from Target in all the years I have been married to DH.

OSD44 said she did not need to thank me for the gifts because everyone knows the woman picks out the presents.   Then she said I was not family. The gifts from me stopped.

Dh now buys Target gift cards for his own family. I have nothing to do with them.

I used to help out but I stopped and for the first time this year one in particular has completely ignored me because two SGkids birthdays went by and no call, no card, and no gift.  I did not remind DH.  I know it is NOT my responsibility to do so and he does NOT expect me to, but I wanted to make a point that those dates went by without anything so she knows damn well who was doing all the buying, etc.  I have never received a thank you from her, this year she made it a point to make sure MY birthday went by without it being acknowledged.  The others did.  Touche and I had to laugh this year.  DH is only buying gift cards this year.  So I don't have to worry about it.  But I have joined the others and stopped buying gifts.

My DH and I have been married 13 years. It was clear from beginning I was never going to be a friend or even respected by his two SD, who then were in their 30s. It has gotten a little better in last 2 years, until this Thanksgiving. We were at SDs house and her sister and husband there as well. I asked if I could bring something to help with meal. They said to being sweet potato casserole, green bean casserole and rolls, which I did. It's a 4 hr drive to SDs house. Also a few days before holiday SD said we could celebrate Xmas at same time, up to us. So I scurried around ordering gifts for the parents and 5 grdkids. I made a couple gift baskets also with sausages, crackers, stocking stuffer items for each SD and family, along g with $100 to each . Gave grdkids a few gifts and $50 each.  When we arrived on Thanksgiving day no one came out to greet us except grdkids, walked in and only after I announced "Happy Thanksgiving " did they acknowledge we were there. 

I told my SD who was hosting that I could bring a coffee cake for breakfast next day. She agreed. That next morning the other SD made a big production of making an old family roll recipe - which everyone looked and awed over - gtdkids were only ones who bothered to eat my coffee cake. My DH, who never ever pays attention to th ik nts baked even took a PICTURE of the rolls. My cake which was from scratch, probably got thrown out later. 

When we were done eating dinner the hosting SD called her sister over and they started lau GB ing in the kitchen. I said you aren't supposed to have secrets girls in a teasing way, the hosting SD said we found the lid of the can of yams in the bottom of casserole dish...I was horrified but laughed and said well I wondered what happened to it.!  I was hurt maybe shouldn't have been, but she could have asked ME to come over not her sister. Anyway sounds petty but they have tendency to gang up like that when together.   

I was so tired before we got there from running around for gifts, baking, etc, and then that. When they looked st gift baskets they didnt seem very impressed with anything. 

I'm so done I sent a text to the two SDs and their husbands telling them how rude they were by not greeting us after driving for 4 hrs.  I got a snippy reply from one son in law and both g from rest. Layer one SD sent me a picture of acgrdkid and other SD asked for family picture we took on my camera which I sent. This stuff has been going on for years, and so done with it. I'm not doing anyth iij ng with them for future holidays they are all dead to me. My DH can go if he wants but I'm finished. Sorry for lengthy message. 

I'm really debating on whether or not I should get SS14 anything.  In years past, I would get him some toys and would barely even get a thank you from him.  Last year, I gave him money.  Never was told thank you but was informed after he came back from BM's house after Christmas break that he "lost" the money I gave him.  Guess he thought that I was going to give him more money....wrong!  I just replied, "well, I'll just know better next time".  Gave him money for his birthday plus bought him a cake.  Never said thanks for either one of those.  SS never gives me any gifts for anything, never tells me happy birthday, only says thanks when his dad is around and never says Merry Christmas.  Clearly, no respect.

I don't really consider or care about what people want.  I get them what I want them to have.    When I find something that fits my thoughts for that person, I get it.  Usually the gifts I get go over well.   Most people remember what I get them, often for years after I give it to them.

My wife has learned to not invest heavily from an emotional perspective regarding gifts for her family.   She puts a lot of effort into gifts for each person in her family.  One of the first Christmases after we married she bought a gourmet coffee maker, hand made coffee cups and a selection of gourmet coffee for her mom and sister as a special gift for them to use in the AM's to start their day together before MIL left for work and SIL left for school.  Rather than appreciate the gift MIL commented "Why would you get us that?  You know I drink Folgers instant coffee."  My bride was heart broken.  Since then she has adopted my "I don't give a shit what they want, they get what I want them to have" philosophy.... like it or not.

No one remembers a video game or gift card.  Though we certainly do gift cards if we have not identified something we like for an individual. But, we stay rooted in the "they get what we want to get" for them philosophy.  

Including nothing if their behavior has been unacceptable leading up to the particular gift giving event. In that event, they get a signed card with Happy (Day) written inside and nothing else if their crap has been particularly egregious or a $5-$10 store specific gift card if their crap has been more tolerable.

I can relate to just about every post here, and I'll only add that after 11 years, I would like to spend Christmas somewhere completely different with JUST my wife or alone. I don't want anything, have never asked for anything from Wifes kids. And my Holidays birthdays, and special occasions are for me and me only. I treat myself on my birthday and kids saying "Thanks" yeah good luck with that. They don't even tell their mom Thank You half of the time. I'm a ghost that lives here with there mom.

I do for my family year around.

DH does for his family year around.

My grown Stepkids are no longer children.  It's not my place.  They don't like me, never have, so I turned the parenting entirely over to DH and BM.  They handled it years before i was in DH's life, not my place.

I do not have children, so it makes it easier to tell DH; they enjoy getting gifts from you, so please feel free to take care of it as you wish."   My DH is frugal,  therefore i don't worry.

You have had gifts returned; that is perfect out for you.  No more gifts for anything in the future.

Nope I've never bought my ss anything I feel as if that's not my responsibility I will never do it

We spend a lot on Christmas. DH thinks there needs to be lots of packages so the shopping is done together and I am stuck. I get one or two little things from SS and his wife and kids, as does DH. They get 3-4 packages each plus a big stocking full of stuff plus lots of clothes and toys for the grandchildren. It's excessive and stressful to me but I'm not being the grinch and making a fuss. I've got daughter in law 2 nice things so far and DH thinks we might need to pick up a couple more things. I'm not volunteering to pick anything out. Like everyone else, I get no call or anything on my birthday. Heck, I texted her for the kids clothing sizes and she ignored me. DH had to get it from SS. Always glad when it's over.

I purchased gifts for the first one or two Xmas's for the skids, but no more. They are totally disrespectful and hateful toward DH and I. They, of course, expect DH to purchase gifts for them and the gskids, but DH no longer does that. 

Why waste time and money on people who don't care about you?

I don't buy SS9 gifts from me, but I do help DH find and choose gifts from both of us. He's one of those who just does not tell you what he wants. Or he lists off things we're not going to get him (like a list of Nerf guns, when he already has three and doesn't play with them, or a jungle gym thing that's for kids way younger and smaller than he is). His mom and her family buy him anything he wants throughout the year, so it's not like Christmas and birthday are special. Last year, he sort of opened gifts, looked at what it was and either just moved onto the next one or shrugged.

Anyway, he's still a kid. We'll see how he is this year. His entitlement bothers DH (or he says it does) so if it's a problem, maybe DH will finally commit to what he says and start to teach SS about gratitude and appreciation. Of course, if he's continually spoiled 50% of the time, it will be that much harder to teach the lesson.

First Xmas in the stepmom martyrdom: I get nothing, skid gets a few hundred dollar gift from Disney daddy, skid gets a gift from me and only thanks because Disney daddy tells him to say thank you

Second Xmas in the stepmom martyrdom: I get nothing, skid gets a few hundred dollar gift from Disney daddy, skid gets nothing from me, Disney daddy buys 1 thousand dollar worth of jewellery for HIS BM WHO HE SPLIT FROM THREE YEARS AGO because BM demanded that from him. I got NOTHING. 
 

Third Xmas... never happened fuck this shit. 

So to add to this , my Oh son is 16 he comes Fri till Mon lately, used to live with us after Bm took overdose but chose to go back as she has zero rules and boundaries, Xmas day he wanted to "spend time with dad" aka see what he could get   and boy did he spoil that !!! He came and opened his gifts, I did all the shopping and I 100% made sure all the kids my 3 bios and him got the same monetary value but as ages range it's been hard work but was quite proud I pulled it off ! He sat there and opened a new Samsung phone looked at us dead in the eye and said " how much was it ? My mum spent 800 pounds.on me it doesn't look like 800 pounds "

OMG

Now, in addition, my mother sent him the same amount of money as the others and so did OH mum he got plenty.andnhe never said TY to anyone which was quite embarrassing for me as my family bought him ! HE THEN WENT TO OH MUM And she said did you have a nice Xmas etc and he said yes I got a phone but I dunno how much it was and my MIL went nuts and said how rude !!! She gave it him and my Oh still.said nothing!!! Later on I'm setting up the new phone for.him and he gets a what s app from a friend and I open it because I'm nosey and I see something that catches my eye and it said how's your new phone and he had replied " it's rubbish I don't even like it my mum will prob get me a replacement anyway lol " so I told Oh and he said , you guessed it NOTHING!!!!! I said well next year I will.not be doing any more shopping he will get money and that's it if you wanna queue and choose and wrap and stuff for him go ahead.but I'm.done !!! He's always horrible.anyway but this on Xmas day made.me so angry argghhhjjjj

At first I bought some gifts, but then I didn't. When there is no gratitude, the desire to give gifts disappears. In fact, I think my SC just don't care what I give them. They probably always wanted something very expensive and fashionable, but I always gave them more modest gifts. But all this situation is because I have a very cold relationship with them. If they showed more care and trust, I think I would want to give them some expensive gifts. My wife still wants that we become friends, and so I have to buy sometimes small gifts. Usually I am saved by such services as https://www.jetgiftbaskets.com/. They have a large selection of different gift baskets at a very reasonable price that I buy very often.

My problem is that we rarely agree on what to get them. I feel like his gifts are lame, he feels like the gifts I want to get don't match their personalities.

I stopped buying them gifts. He can be the one to do the shopping.

Agree, for adult SK just say whatever DH got them is from both of you. No need to get something separate. Especially if SK never return the gift. Celebrations/gifts shouldn't consistently be one sided. 

I used to buy SD way more stuff when she was younger. Then I found out BM was selling all of her name brand clothes on FB marketplace. I started only buying things she couldn't lose or BM couldn't steal (which is sad). Also, I found out SD would consistently give away gifts we got. Ex. a painting with seaglass she gave to her BM dad. Needless to say I have cut WAY back in the gift department. 

If my partner considers us a "team" when it comes to paying bills (ie I pay them), then starting this Xmas we are a "team" when it comes to gifts for SD and he can just slap my name on whatever he gets her. He always goes overboard anyway. Previously i would buy gifts too, but no matter who it is from, 95% of it will go to waste bc she doesn't play with any of it and prefers the game of bothering us all the time, so i'm gonna stop spending money and let him waste his instead as that is his job not mine. I don't see my friends each shopping for their kids on their own so why should we?

 No gifts

I haven't bought a birthday or Christmas present for my SD23 after they left college.  For graduation I got them a new backpack they had whined about wanting all year, then all of a sudden they hated it because it came from me.  She likes to get me crappy gifts because it makes her look good in front of her dad, but one year she got us something to decorate our house with 'that reminded her of her childhood'.  NFW.  She hasn't tried to get me anything since then and I don't get her anything either.  Defintely prefer it that way, less drama.  Since I don't normally see SD at holidays it also makes it simpler to ignore her.