awww DH mad because he never sees me anymore
DH is pissed because he never sees me anymore and I just want to laugh in his face because KARMA.
I pulled back from spending time with Skids a few months ago because I got tired of their out of control behavior which he does nothing about and why should I if he won't? They're older elemntary/middle school age. They're not bad kids, he's just Disney Dad. When Skids are around I don't exist for him or them. He treats them like they're his life partner and I'm not. Makes all his free time plans around them and invites me to tag along. When I was a GF I was ok with this but we've been married over a year now. Put the kids in the back seat where they belong and make room for me up front, hon, you chose me as your life partner. We drive this rig together. Tried talking to him many times, tried a couple sessions of couples therapy, he didn't think it was his problem. Ok, fine.
He says I hate his kids because I'm disengaged from them. Truth is I love his kids, I wouldn't exclude them at all if DH and I made plans for the family together each week. There are all kinds of super fun things I'd love to do with them but I can't because their behavior is too out of control. It's not just me either, their own extended family don't spend time with them like they do with the other kids because of it.
I haven't been real enthusiastic about date nights either lately. He chose to work nights so he could be with the kids during the day (before I ever knew him) and this is not working for our marriage because he dozes off on date night evenings. Again, this started after we got married. It's not exactly quality time and I hate it and he knows it. But it's not his problem either! It's mine! He doesn't have to impress me anymore. He doesn't have to make any changes in his life for this marriage. There are days when I can see exactly why his exwife divorced him. Exactly. And I congratulate her. It's been really hard lately to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. But I think it had something to with him being kind and funny and trustworthy and loving his kids.
So he got mad that he dosen't see me on weekends anymore because I'm too busy with my own awesome life instead of acting like a good little third wheel in the hopes that I maybe get a few crumbs of his attention in between having to deal with Skids literally stepping on my feet to walk in front of me and stop us from holding hands as we walk along. Literally crawling up between us on the couch to seperate us.
So he threw a fit and threatened divorce. I was a single mom for over a decade before I met him (my kid's an adult now) and I ran a kid's domestic violence support group for years so I have no problem ignoring a toddler tantrum. So I said go ahead, I'm not gonna force you to stay married to me if you don't want to.
He wasn't expecting that. LMAO An hour later later he was all "I love you, I don't want a divorce, what do you want from me?" RESPECT. Is what I told him. Again. So he's been throwing tantrums for the last week. He doesn't want to have to pull his head out of his butt and put the marriage first but he doesn't want to have to get divorced and actually be the single dad he's acting like either. Why am I ruining his life like this? How long is this going to go on? He keeps asking me this. I don't know? Until you clean up your own mess? Because this sure ain't MY problem dude.
Good for you! Keep up the
Good for you! Keep up the awesome job. These men need to learn. I too can see why BM left DH. She dodged a bullet but she’s stuck dealing with him because she had kids with him unfortunately. My DH already lost me when I cancelled the wedding and bought my own place. Things changed dramatically after that but life with them still sucks because of SD. She’s 90% of the problem and DH feeds into her narcissism.
This is what it looks like
This is what it looks like for awhile. Depending on your husband's life desires and how much he wants to have sex with you, will determine how long it takes for him to get it. I would recommend setting a deadline in your head so you aren't wasting the rest of you life waiting for him to get it. Mine got it but it took 18 months and the fear of losing me forever. We each have our own limits.
Good for you!!!
Your DH probably has good intentions but he has not yet learned how to divide his time or prioritize his relationship between the skids and his marriage. What does he say to the skids when they stop you from holding hands or sit between you? If your DH told them that your marriage is very important to him and you are to be respected as his wife - the one he holds hands with and the one he sits next to - they are old enough to comprehend it. If you are sitting together and one of them pushes their way between you, or steps on your toes to prevent you from holding hands, DH should immediately tell them it is not allowed. Period. If they pull a fit there will be consequences. If DH won't do it you're going to have to.
Your DH is wrapped up in fear that he may lose his children if he parents them. But in reality, he is running the risk of losing their respect in the long run.
I went through this with SD. She and DH would walk side-by-side, ahead of me on a sidewalk and I THOUGHT I was being forced to walk behind them. I THOUGHT I had to sacrifice my relationship with DH so he could be what I THOUGHT was a good Father to SD. I THOUGHT wrong. He would have been a better Father if he had taught her that growing up requires learning how to live with mutual respect. He would have been a better Father if he had demonstrated to her how a Husband is supposed to cherish his wife.
I waited way too late to put my foot down but I was too afraid to beleive I was worth it. SD was 36 years old when I said, "Enough!" Too old to change. But you and your DH have the opportunity to make things right.
My DH used to upset me when he threatened to leave. I am so glad you handled it the way you did. I commend you for creating boundaries and sticking to them. The last time my DH threatened to leave I told him not to let the door hit him on the a$$ on the way out.