Will the Skids figure the truth out when they're older?
I'm sure this isnt uncommon, i just dont know how to handle it... BM puts so many things in my Skids's heads its discusting! (SD11 and SS13) she tells them the DH doesnt pay enough money and they are struggling and that me and DH have it so good cause we only need to take care of the two of us here. (he has never been late on one payment and pays extra for daycare that they havent used in years)(we get them every other weekend) and she told them i am the reason for the divorce even though it was already in the progress for months before i even met him and a couple months after that before we even started talking! SO of course they are going to instantly resent me and wish i was never here. she's turning them into spoiled kids who expect everything an appriciate nothing! she talks about how her deadbeat drug dealing boyfriend is so wonderful and their dad is basically SH*t! its just constant badmouthing his whole side of the family like they're talking about the weather! but we cant even so much as defend our self alittle bit and they flip out and run a tell BM we're questioning them! theres just so much i could write a book, its really unreal! and i know she knows she's doing it, because my first cinfrontation with her she said, "i will put so much sh*t in those kid's head they will never want to come over" and that was years ago and its still going on, (it goes in random spurts of peace time then war, like i swear if she's having a bad day she just finds something to bitch about.)
so i know they are getting into their lovely teenage years, will they ever figure it out that their mom has been manipulating them and sabbataging the realtionship with their father and me?
we have been nothing but good to these kids and its never enough because of her no matter how hard we try! it so exhausting and dissapointing that it feels like nothing we do with them or give them and not just material things either, will never be as good as what they have there!
Court Order
Courts do NOT appreciate parents who badmouth the other parent. Typically you can look into the parenting guidelines and see somewhere it says about not using children that way.
I'd ask for a court appointed home study. Usually, they interview the children in these instances. You need to highlight to the home study person that the mother has been badmouthing the father and it is causing problems for building relationships with the kids. You can also ask that the kids be put into counseling. Usually, they ask that parents keep children out of financial issues, etc. The kids will tell the home study person what they've heard- and that should be enough to at least show documentation from a third party that the kids are being talked to about issues that really need to stay between parents, and that one side is pitting the other side to fail with their children.
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."
yes, they do figure it out
At least they do in my case.
My mom is still horribly bitter towards my dad and step mom. She pulled all the tricks when I was young; requiring loyalty to her and degrading my dad/step mom at every turn, teaching us my dad was only good for cash, making herself the martyr, planting possible allegations of child abuse... It wasn't pretty.
Fast forward 20 years. My mom is still a bitter alcholic- I love her, but I don't like her very much.
I've come to see the dysfuction and have a much more appreciative and good relationship with my dad and step mom. So much in fact that my sister and I spent the weekend with my step mom last weekend- something we'd NEVER do with our mom currently.
The best thing that my dad/SM did was to always take the high road. That made seeing what happened a lot clearer for me and my sister.
I think they do
and I both look forward to it and dread it for my own biokids. Someday they will realize that their dad, whom they adore, is a worthless POS. That makes me happy for me and DH who are the "real parents", but sad for my kids. I want them to know who is taking care of them (I would like the credit, I'm only human after all), but I love them and I know that they will be crushed when they realize where their standing is with their dad. I was crushed when I realized it as his wife and it's only going to be harder for his children. My BS11 already makes comments that I know are defending his dad in the only way he knows how. He's right on the brink of figuring it out and guess who'll be there to listen when he needs a shoulder? Yep - me.
So yes, I think they'll figure it out, but if you love them (which it sounds like you do very much), then I wouldn't be looking too foward to that day. Like LittleGrlz said, she loves her mother but she doesn't like her very much. Realizing that had to be hard to deal with!
hopefully
I am in a very similar situation Strawberrygirl. BM talks trash about me and DH to any and everyone. Tells SD's that DH doesn't pay his CS right, we should pay for everything b/c we have 2 incomes, etc. etc. I got so frustrated with SD14 demanding we buy her things, that i sat her down and told her what the deal was. DH does not CHOOSE to pay CS, it get taken directly from his check and sent to the State. He never even gets to touch that money. And while we're on the subject of CS, DH pays WAY more than he should have to b/c we have the kids 60% of the time (current order is for 40% ) AND if BM would actually get a job, she wouldn't be so worried about her finances, now would she?
I made her cry and I felt bad for that, but she needed to knwo we arent' the bad guys. I'm sorry I worked hard and have a decent job (which pays for most everythign we do/buy). BM has 2 college degrees and hasn't worked in 6 years. DH is taking classes online to finish his first degree he started close to 18 years ago, but he still works!
I can only hope our situation turns out like littlegrlz. My DH's realtionship with his mother is not good because she pulled the bad mouthing dad thing on him when he was growing up, and still does so today ( 20 years after they divorced, mind you). So, there is hope, we SM's and BF's just have to be patient
I did. My mom said a lot of
I did. My mom said a lot of bad things about my dad when I was growing up. All it did was hurt me. When I was little, I didn't care about how my dad treated my mom, I cared about how he treated me. And he treated me great. So in my eyes, all her bad mouthing made HER look like the mean one...and to this day I still do not have a good relationship with her. My dad & I are superclose and my stepmom and I are superclose. I moved away from my mom in CA across the country to live in the same town as my dad because he moved here when I was 12 and I missed out on so much with him. Now he and my stepmom are the ones being grandparents to my kids, taking vacations with us, all that family stuff...and my mom has only seen my oldest son 3 times in 3 years and has never met my 9 month old. So yes, in the end it will usually bite BM in the butt, as long as you guys do your best to not sink to her level and treat the kids well. They'll figure it out.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Well, i hope they do
cause my sd BM is horrible. We couldn't stand for it anymore. AND are filing a court case for custody after reading all of the lies she told to the counselor and the positive notes the counselor gave in reference to us.
It has got to stop somewhere.
I hate to disagree, but...
In my situation, I have been in my SDs lives for the past 12 years and it was good while they were with us half the time. But now that they are adults and on their own (27, 25, 20), they think we did everything wrong and their mom did everything right. Their mom was never around and we were there for them 24/7. I think they are actually more like BM than ever. And here I thought that I would be this positive, solid female role model for them. They don't have one attribute of their father or me. It keeps me up at night...it's so sad.
I'm not sure....
They lived with BM half-time, but she was never around. And...the girls hated each other so much that they would stagger their living times so they weren't together. As they were growing up, we would get complaints that the girls were really, really mean. When this came about my SIL told me, "I don't know why you think you're special -- they have done this to everyone -- it's just your turn". And that's true. There mom is very good at acting, "it's SO important for you to have a healthy relationship with dad and Stepmom", but then getting her digs in. They are all great manipulators. It sux.
Thanks Ari...
You are sweet...wish I were around more sweet women like you;)
thank you everyone for all
thank you everyone for all your responses, i feel more at ease knowing i'm not the only one going through this. i just feel so alone and frustrated cause alot of people cant even relate to what to what its like to go through this. i guess we will have to let it be how it will be no matter how they turn out and just put on a happy face when they're around. me and DH will just do our best to let them know we're here for them and let God handle the rest cause its sure way out of our hands!