Anxiety from disengaging?
I created a post about a week ago over is the general forum. I got the advice to disengage so it has been about a week(whichever day I created that post) since I have disengaged. In my situation I had to let my SO know that I was making a choice for the sake of our happiness as a couple to disengage and asked that, in order for it to be successful, that she not talk to me about the kids at all and that I would not ask about anything or bring them up. The first couple of days were rough for me but it has gotten better(or so it seems...)and easier not to stress about this. For my part I have not made a single misstep in terms of bringing them up or asking anything but she just keeps talking to me about them to me. I know it probably feels unnatural for her not to discuss her kids with the person she loves and shares her life with but it is causing me some anxiety. It's like I'm expected to be this loving supportive partner when she wants to talk to me about their problems or whatever but I am at the same time not supposed to give any feedback??? It's confusing and hard for me. I haven't said anything, like..."Babe you aren't supposed to be talking to me about this stuff" because I would feel like such a jerk saying that if, for example, she is telling me that she just found out that something upsetting happened to one of them with their friends, or one of them is being taken advantage of by a cousin, or just whatever.
Anyhow aside from that, and I honestly have know idea if this is even related to that, but I seem to have developed a severe case of anxiety in this last week. My heart pounds so hard and I have such difficulty breathing that it feels like it's going to kill me! This has been going on from morning to night and the only reason I am not %100 sure that the disengaging thing is the reason for it is because I won't even be thinking about the kids or the issues with them during these day long bouts of anxiety. What the hell? I would appreciate any thoughts anyone may offer up and thanks for letting me vent. 
Hmm that is a hard question.
Hmm that is a hard question. I felt immediately better when disengagement occured. Didn't tell my partner just stopped doing stuff I used to do. Also diverted conversations away from skids when they were brought up. But I am sort of lucky that my partner doesn't talk about his kids much. Many here just go unhuh and move on with another topic. I think you should talk to a doctor to relieve the anxiety. That much is not at all healthy. Whatever the source it needs the be addressed soon
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the responses! The only reason I told my SO of my plan to disengage is because I had previously tried it before without telling her of my intention to do so. It didn't really work out that time for me because she just kept talking to me about them thus involving me in the problems. I decided to disengage in the first place because of my SS. He has drug problems and behavior problems and the way my SO parents the skids is only making everything worse so I was constantly trying to teach her how to handle certain situations so that she may see a more favorable outcome. She was raised by only her mother who also didn't really know how to be a parent so my SO doesn't know how to be a mother. She is more like a friend to her kids therefore they don't respect her or listen to her. Then any time I would tell her how she might approach certain situations to get a desirable reaction or outcome she becomes incredibly defensive or just grudgingly takes my advice to prevent us from fighting and I didn't like feeling as though she resents me when all I try to do is help. So I felt in my specific situation that if I told her "baby, this is how we are going to have to handle things moving forward so that our relationship doesn't fall apart" she was totally agreeable and happy with the idea yet she continues to discuss things with me that make it difficult for me to stay uninvolved. I guess I will have to find some way to remind her that this isn't the deal we made. Perhaps it will just take time for her to stop doing what anyone would naturally do which is to discuss everything with their partner. Anyhow, thank you again!
I do take Xanax for anxiety in the first place but lately the anxiety is unmanageable and I don't want to just start eating them like candy and develop a really big dependency problem. I also exercise regularly so I just don't understand any of this!
Xanax
So sorry you are dealing with this! Wise not to take too much Xanax or any benzo....wow, they can be hard to stop if your body becomes dependent. Be sure to stay in touch with your doc about meds. Do you meditate at all? I have an app called Headspace that is absolutely great. It's not free, but I feel cost is worth it. All the best to you.
She will talk about her kids.
She will talk about her kids. Give her a couple seconds of venting and steer the conversation to something else. Or go for a cigarette! As you see it won't stop her natural inclination to talk about her children. We are going for minimizing the discussion not elimination and also you not letting yourself get drug into the situation.
It takes some practice. It does work.
Steppingback...thank you. I
Steppingback...thank you. I will do as you suggest. I have been smoking quite a bit more than usual lately LOL but I am literally willing to take any advice I can get. I guess I have a lot to learn about disengaging. I just get so frustrated when she starts talking to me about the things SS does that infuriates me to begin with and then I am supposed to give courtesy responses instead of valid feedback. Going to be difficult but I'll try. It just seems to me that, given how thrilled she was when I told her I would not ask any more questions about SS or bust her chops about anything regarding how she deals with him, that she could show me equal courtesy and not bring him up. She must know what I WANT to say when she brings him up but I fight myself not to say it. Is it unreasonable to expect that she should also fight against her own nature in terms of bringing him up to me? I am really asking...not being sarcastic or anything.
You need to adopt the mindset
You need to adopt the mindset "I am totally incompetent to solve your problem" when she talks about them. Shrug your shoulders, look puzzled at her. "I don't know dear" is your new mantra.
As for the anxiety, be sure your are nutritionally sound. Eat healthy, take your vitamins and add some magnesium. My anxiety acts up when I'm not taking mine. for what its worth.
Thank you survivingstephell,
Thank you survivingstephell, yes I am very nutritionally sound. I run 3 miles five days a week and eat very healthy. I do smoke but that is my only vice and hasn't stopped me from my running or living an active and healthy life. I will take the advice here that I just shrug and move on. Thanks everyone.
My partner and I had a heated
My partner and I had a heated discussion just now. He said he knows I hate his children. I told him straight that I hate his eldest son and some the reasons why...
I said that his daughter, although she is respectful nowadays, I admitted I have resentment over the way she behaved towards me over the years. I also stated that many adult children do not like their father's partner.
With respect to a comment I made when another person said that his son had 3 girlfriends on the go at the same time at a party in our house some time ago, my partner said that that was his son' s business.
I told my partner NO IT WAS OUR BUSINESS IF THE SON HAD 3 GIRLFRIENDS AT THE TIME. IF THE WOMEN HAD BROKEN OUT IN A FIGHT IN OUR HOME OVER HIS SON, I said that I would have called the police and threw all and sundry out of our home.
I accept my kids are not perfect but I get the impression my partner cannot accept criticism of his children. I admitted there are things about his children I know but would NEVER tell him... I think he already knows but is too embarassed. We are currently sitting in silence...I am typing on this site and he is listening to music.
One day his eyes and brain will wake to realise the kind of f******g liar and user his eldest son is...of course I did not tell him that his daughter had been a prostitute... ...
I'm waiting for the KARMA train to come in....
Disengagement can take any
Disengagement can take any form you like, it's not a set of strict rules, you make them to fit your own situation. I personally, continued to talk to my DH about his daughters even though I didn't have anything to do with them when they came EOW. I considered that this for me, was part of my role as his wife, ie to be supportive to him. You need to figure out the best form for disengagement to take, for you. Obviously if you say you fight every time you discuss the son, it's probably better not to discuss him.
I was a bit surprised when you said that you'd not told the children about your relationship. Presumably they are teens by now if you've been in relationship 15 years? It's up to you of course, but in the interests of authenticity and honesty, I would have felt this was something they should be told. Can I ask why you have chosen not to?
Kes...yes I am happy to
Kes...yes I am happy to answer questions! My side of the family knows about our relationship and they absolutely love my SO. Her side, though, would be incredibly intolerant because of religious beliefs. I have respected her wishes that we don't tell them. I knew from day one that we would never tell them. I will never know after all these years how they might have felt by now, but I agreed to this arrangement from the beginning because I love her and she is worth it. For that matter everyone might have suspicions or even know for sure because we sleep in the same bed and everything, but it will never be confirmed by us and that's just the way it is. Chances are good that these kids(ages 17 and 19) would have hated and resented me if they realized we are partners. They really like me as Mom's best friend though so again...who knows. I try not to think about the what if's...I focus on the what is. Thank you for clarifying for me what I believed about disengagement. It would be unique from one situation to the next and my partner was very happy when I told her I would stop badgering her about how she is raising him/dealing with him if she could stop talking to me about the issues. I know it might seem cruel and make me seem like an unsupportive partner but the truth is I have been very supportive for the entirety of the relationship. We just do not see eye to eye on how kids should be raised due to our different upbringings. A lot of things have happened throughout the years that have caused me to be bitter about SS. Just the sound of his voice gets me worked up now. When she brings him up to me it is difficult to hide the rage I feel. She has been so happy and relieved since I disengaged but, and I suppose this just comes naturally, she still talks to me about him and I am just confused as to how I am supposed to hold up my end of this if she can't hold up hers. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to respond!
SAFjh thanks for explaining
SAFjh thanks for explaining the situation in more detail. It does seem odd these days, that one has to keep a gay relationship in the closet, as it used to be called - I think this is probably more common in the USA, than where I live in the UK, as there are a lot of fundamentalist Christians who disapprove. If the arrangement works for you both (ie being out to your family but not to hers) then fair enough, but I suspect that the kids either know or suspect and it is just not talked about.
I don't know if your SS is the 17 or 19 year old, but either way, he will hopefully be gone soon and making his own life, leaving you to enjoy yours. My life changed SO much for the better, in 2013/4 when the SDs (who are now 21 and nearly 23) stopped coming around every other weekend.
Kes, I thank you as well for
Kes, I thank you as well for responding to me. I have gotten a lot of comfort from strangers on this site. It's very helpful for me as I really don't have anyone in my life that I can discuss any of this with. It is a VERY unusual situation to be half way in the closet with this relationship but I have been able to convince myself that who knows about it and who doesn't has no bearing on the fact that we are happy together behind closed doors. I'm lucky with this woman. The only thing we ever fight about is the SS and I do so hope that he will leave the nest eventually. My biggest fear is actually that he won't because my SO has never made him be responsible in any way, never set rules for him to follow and now he is a high school drop out who won't get a job and who uses drugs. He is the 17 year old. For now I can just give this disengagement thing a shot so the relationship doesn't fall apart before he can leave and allow us to be truly happy. Thanks again!
You've gotten good feedback
You've gotten good feedback so far and there are a couple things I can add.
I'm not a doctor, but I'm going to try to talk about my experiences with stress. There is a hormone in your brain called cortisol. When you are confronted with something stressful, the cortisol levels in your brain rise. It triggers your fight or flight response. A lot of it gets burned off when you fight with someone. Having high cortisol levels all the time make you feel like sh!t. Then, if you leave the stressful situation, the stressors are kinda gone, but you still feel like sh!t, and you have no idea why. It actually feels worse, because you've gone into a calmer environment, so you feel it harder.
This has happened to me a few times in my life. When I left a domestic violence situation, when I left an uber stressful job, and when I disengaged from Killjoy. Your brain becomes accustomed to stress, addicted to drama, if you will. It takes time from your cortisol levels to drop, like up to six months, which sounds like a long time, but it is a gradual thing.
Another thing is, you've been so trained to react to crisis, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, another disaster to wreck your peace. I liken this to ptsd, even though it is not a life threatening situation, your body seems to think it is. It is something I have never fully recovered from, but it does get easier with time, and you have to just repeat in your head, "Nothing is going to happen that I can't handle, nothing is going to be worse than it was. Whatever happens, I am still healthy, and I'm not going to die."
Some people recommend melatonin, but it has never worked for me. Everyone's body is different. I like Lorazepam, but it can be addictive. You can take it up to 3x/day as needed, but only if you REALLY need it.
I did tell my partner when I disengaged. We used to do everything together and he wouldn't have known why I stopped going if I didn't explain it to him. He really loves me and I didn't want him to think I was rejecting him. I think he was relieved that he wouldn't have to listen to me b!tch anymore. We had the same deal, and whenever he brings Killjoy up, as hard as I try not to, I find myself getting furious and telling him off. Then he realizes he probably shouldn't have brought her up. I can't help getting angry. He let far too much go on for far too long and I'm barely sane. This is a consequence of his poor parenting. If he resents me and it wrecks our relationship, oh well, I was on the verge of leaving anyway, so this is the best I could do. Everything else about our relationship is great, so I think the good times outweigh the bad.
Ispofacto...I think you have
Ispofacto...I think you have just explained it to me perfectly!!! Yes I have so much built up resentment from all the many things that have happened throughout the years..things that might not even have happened if my SO had been willing to take advice from somebody who actually had a great upbringing and a lot to offer in the parenting department...that I am infuriated at the sound of SS voice, the sight of him or the mention of his name. Thank God somebody else understands!!! I have bit my tongue nearly out of my head not starting a fight with SO this past week when she has talked to me about him because I am keeping my end of this arrangement but the anxiety may very well kill me. I do have a prescription for alprazolam(Xanax) but I am fighting myself not to abuse them just to make this better. Thanks again for your response!!!
You did not disengage
You did not disengage Hon.
Now when you are ready to disengage, you do not tell any one, you simply do it. I know when I first disengage I was worried about everything and also a bit afraid, then I decided, why should I walk on egg shells the whole time, try and keep my mouth, try and look interested in anything, try to make if nothing is wrong.. see even if you told her you are disengaging, you are to scared to do it, cause you are scared what she will do....
Now disengagement is not about - not talking about the kids, nope that's got nothing to do with disengagement. Your partner can talk about the skids as much as she wants, you pretend to listen and say stupid things like, mmmmmm, Oh, I see, really? now and again... If she asks you what would you do or what do you think, You smile, give her a hug and say, You are such a good mum you will know what's best... and you walk away....
If she comes to you and ask for help, smile say, tell me the problem.... then you give the normal answers described above... and the same closing line... you are such a good mother Hon you know best... walk away... see she can't say you are not supporting her, you are, you are listening and telling her she's a good mother, you are simply not going to do parenting decisions for her... cause it will bite you in the ass,
Disengagement from skids are actual things...
You do not clean after them, either they clean or their parent does, you only tell the parent, deal with the dishes lease... either the parent tells the kids to do it or she does it herself, not your problem
You do not do the skids laundry, not your skids not your problem, you do your laundry and the wife's, and you only do your towels and bedding, you do not worry about the skids, not your children not your problem....
When one of the skids needs a lift somewhere and you are not going in that direction, smile and say, sorry no can do I'm not going that direction.
End of discussion. If you are going that direction and skid does not ask you Please, smile and say, I only help people that's polite, sorry... leave the skid behind.
When wife needs cash for skids lunch the next day, ignore it, even if you have a bucketful of cash in your hand, you did not hear this, you re not bailing her out... not your kid and not your problem, oh you can be very supportive and say, Well Hon there's some bread and cheese why not make lunch till you have time to get cash?
If the skids are polite and nice, you are friendly back, but still you do nothing for them or buy them nothing, if the skids are rude and bratty towards you or your wife, you simply ignore them...
You do not buy anything for the brats, nothing....
the whole point of disengagement is, to stop caring about people that treats you like dirt, you have to remember these are not your children, thus not your responsibility, you are not responsible for the type of adults they will be one day, you did not enter this relationship to have children, no you enter this relationship cause you love your partner, and loving her does not include loving her children. Yes you can tolerate them, but there's only 2 people in any kind of relationship.
Well Acratopotes, I have
Well Acratopotes, I have never done any cleaning up after these kids, cooked for them, given them rides or done their laundry. The things I have done are support financially and support emotionally and yes I in fact HAVE stopped doing those things. I didn't explain that in detail I guess. For me disengaging is also going to involve not discussing this little jerk off SS as well and there are a number of people that agree. But as always...I value your input and thank you!
My skids are adults and don't
My skids are adults and don't live with us, but I still needed to disengage for various reasons. When my DH talks about his kids, I will generally listen and respond if I have something to contribute. This is for HIM. If he's just rambling on about how perfect his kids are, then it's a big UMHMMM and I change the subject as soon as I can.
You can talk about the kids when your partner brings them up and still be disengaged. You can always turn the conversation back to her with, "Hmmm, I don't know, what do YOU think you should do?" You're just part of the discussion with HER, not part of the solution with her kids.
It take lots of practice not to let skid issues take up space in your head. Practice letting go, and it gets easier.
Thank you everyone! I got
Thank you everyone! I got some fantastic feedback and as always I am very grateful. Today SO started talking to me about how her SD wants a new $10,000 car even though the one she drives is perfectly fine...she hasn't even owned it for a year and SO bought it for her as a graduation gift...and I told her I hope to God she doesn't intend to co-sign for it because while SD has a job she doesn't exactly have job security. It is a temp job and SD has begun calling in and missing days because she claims to be sick but for one thing there is no way she is getting too sick to go to work once a week and secondly going to work sick is just what adults have to do sometimes. I never take days off when I am sick because I have a living to earn and because I don't want to lose my job or have my hours get cut for poor attendance. So of course SO got upset over what I said about her not co-signing which gave me my opportunity to tell her..."ok babe, this is why we agreed I should disengage. You seek out my advice and then cannot stand what I have to say and we both end up getting upset. I know it's force of habit that you talk to me about the skids but you never like what I have to say and we both end up upset". She said she would try harder not to talk about them. We shall see. I will of course keep in mind that she is my life partner and that if she needs to vent I can give courtesy responses but effort needs to be made on both parts here the way I see it.
I am stressed about the idea that she co-signs for SD to get a brand new car that she doesn't need. SO is the bigger wage earner between us but she also has some problems with being a shopaholic and she has a tremendous amount of debt. *sigh* It's probably going to be a strain for her that I withdrew my financial support i.e. the skids but this just isn't fair to me. I am very good with money and am saving for retirement. Well now I'm just venting so I will close this out but just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to help me.
You should've answered SO
You should've answered SO this way...
Hon, that's sounds good but what about your debt? ...
see changing the topic, away from the SD.... maybe getting your partner think about her own debt..never say what you would do, never, that's like attacking them.
SD always sick and to lazy to work, SO is telling you this... answer with mmmmm hope she feels better soon...
Just wanted to say - I'm sure
Just wanted to say - I'm sure most here would be behind you 100% in your present course of action - and if your SO and your SD can't manage their money then too bad - you shouldn't be the one bailing them out. It's ridiculous that a 19 year old wants a new car. Fair enough if she earns the entire amount, but all she needs is something to get her from A to B and a functional older car is perfectly fine. I think your SO is being a wee bit daft in this. Carry on saving for your retirement!
My DH paid through the nose in CS up until a year or two ago, and was very generous with his daughters, but now the gravy train has stopped and they are having trouble getting their heads round it. One thing he always did was put money by for his retirement - and we are very glad of that now I am 60 and he is 54.
Kes thank you. I completely
Kes thank you. I completely agree! I am not going to work until I am 70 years old because SO and SD are being financially irresponsible. I just can't do that. I have been happy over the years to pitch in financially for skids but it's time to just let SO take care of that stuff and I will still pay my fair share of the bills and food as well as anything I need for myself.
I'm going through a HUUUUGE
I'm going through a HUUUUGE issue with one of my adult children right now. Anyway DH (stepdad) has been my salvation by lending his ear. I've vented, cried and displayed extreme frustration and he's been there for me. He hasn't rushed in to save me or do any of the work but he has MY back and my sanity is intact because of his loving support.
I'd say DH is disengaged because his life really didn't change much when we moved in. He still has his job, hobbies and retreats to the man cave whenever he needs to be alone. He'll listen to me and tells me that he knows he can't fix it but that he's there for me. As one poster pointed out, disengage from the skids but not your SO.
Still learning, thank you for
Still learning, thank you for your response. I am so sorry you're going through issues with your child. Your DH sounds great. I don't consider that I am disengaging from my SO by not discussing her kids with her simply because she completely agreed that this would be the healthiest thing for both of us when I suggested it. I will definitely not withdraw my support when she needs to vent but there are particular topics about the kids(she knows exactly what they are) that are going to cause grief if she brings them up. I can't help the way I feel after 15 years of these problems. I have always been the most supportive kind of partner that someone can be but we have reached a point where I have been caused so much pain and stress that her bringing these things up causes my anxiety to spike to frightening levels. If she were ever to ask me(and she has) to stop doing certain things because they upset her I have always and will always oblige. Give and take and compromise are so important to us. I will always be there for her. I appreciate you weighing in hon.
My DH and I have not
My DH and I have not discussed my disengagement with his kids. I have pulled back in a more subtle way. I stopped interaction on social media and I stopped asking how the kids are or when they call - I don't ask who was that or anything about the phone call. If he does bring them up which is rare - I keep my comments very general but I do try to be supportive. I also rarely talk about my kids and grandchildren. I don't mention his grandchildren either. He has not said anything but I know at some point he will ask me. However, I would never tell my DH that he could not speak to me about his kids. I love him and for ME I just feel that would put an additional line between us. There will always be that "line" that exists of his old family - his new family for lack of better words but I don't need to add an additional one that his kids and ex-wife would love to see as a divider.
I have decided that I don't want him saying anything to his kids about their treatment of me. My feeling is if he says something to them then they know they are getting under my skin. If I just pull back in a very subtle way they have nothing to say about me. I mean really what are they going to say "Daddy - she never likes anything I post on Facebook." "She never says anything about the grandkids" My response will easily be "You are joking right? They are upset about Facebook?"
They want to paint the picture that they still have their "happy family" even though both parents are with someone else. It's funny - they all recognize the BM's fiance but after all these years...not me.
The Skids hardly ever come around and we see them maybe 3-4 times out of the year. But when we do at least 1 out of the 4 tries to make me feel very uncomfortable and will use the grandchildren to make it clear I don't count. I still have resentment. I still have hurt but I know in time she will see that I matter to DH.
Disengaged from stepson and D-i-l finally got the guts to do it.
Disengaged from stepson and d-i-l. Just have had enough. My Husband has tried and tired as well. He does not bother with his mother or his brother either. We have been hanging on for the grankids. He does not come to any family functions lies about why and calls at the last minute or she posts a mesasge on facebook why. They are sick or has to work etc. We were going to a few years ago but did not stick to it. I was the one that was like give him one more chance etc. Not anymore. Never calls lies as to why they miss funtions. I was smart and we did not pay the cater for my mom and dad party two years ago. In august they said they were coming to my Daughters wedding. They talked about how much fun it would be etc. The night before got a mesage on facebook she had to work. Well that was a lie. They went swimiing and not 100 percent sure but do not think she worked. She has never done anywhere before work and pictures of them all swimming were posted on facebook. That was the straw on the camels back. She has posted stupid things on facebook. We called her out on one in a private message and they did not respond. Thinking back and all the lies over the years that was the straw on the camels back. I hide them on facebook and do not even look. I feel bad not see the grandkids but they never really saw us anyway. Only birthday for the kids and christmas and this year we went to a play place with the kids and she had to work. He could ahve came but he choose not too. She siad she woudl le tme know when we could get toghther she did not. That is when, I disengaged. We will be married 25 years in July. there is not way to change him. Have a daughter and another stepson who come around. Have to be with the ones that want to be there for us.
While I am not a proponant of disengagement...
It seems to me that disengaging is more about not engaging when it comes to the day to day stuff associated with kids.
In other words, don't sweat their home work, their attitudes and behaviors outside of your home and presence, or anything else kid related for that matter.
What it does not mean is tolerating crappy behavior, poor hygiene, mess, lip, etc, etc, etc....
If your Skids are not complying with the standards of reasonable behavior that YOU set for YOUR home then climb up their asses and stay there until they comply. Make their life one of abject misery.
If your wife wants to vent to you about her children then listen and ask her questions. Even offer suggestions for solutions but... she has to be the one to invoke those solutions.
As I said... disengage .... except for violations of the standards of reasonable behavior in YOUR home. In those situations then you fully engage by climbing up the appropirate ass.
As with parenting or marriage... there is no one size fits all format for disengagment. Formulate your disengagement in a way that fits your needs.
IMHO of courrse.
I understand how you are feeling
I'm also in a same sex relationship. I found this site because I googled why is my stepdaughter a manipulative bitch after events occurring last weekend. We have been together for a year, we still live seperately (my doing). My girlfriend had my stepdaughter with her ex girlfriend. I have adult children of my own, this is not my first rodeo and it did not take me long to realise this little girl is not normal. Aside from the immaturity and laziness and manipulation, the way she speaks to my gf drives me nuts. I have anxiety and have had two periods of depression and that is why I'm resisting moving in. I'm not sure I can live with my stepdaughter. I'm so so so filled with rage after a weekend with her.
I knew my girlfriend had a daughter, I've patented a daughter myself and was prepared to be a step mother but I'm browsing this section of the forum about disengagement and I think that would help me but I really don't want to hurt my girlfriend. I think the dynamic in same sex relationships are a little different. Other people are posting about mom and dad roles, we are dealing with mom and mom roles. And in the same respect I don't want to abandon my gf in dealing with this child because she's my gf and I love her.