When my new husband criticizes my parenting
We have been together 3 years, married since October. We own a house together. He has two kids, I have 3 kids. My husband criticizes every parenting decision I make, it seems. There have been multiple instances where he tells me I need to do something or I'm not doing something well enough. He criticizes my children with every move they make, yet he hardly disciplines his own children. My kids think his daughter is "spoiled" because they feel she gets whatever she wants. My husband constantly says I'm doing too much for my kids or giving them too much, even though I pay a majority of the household bills and mortgage and feel I should be allowed to use my money however I see fit. I also feel that parenting my children should be left to me. But his opinion is that "we are a family..." Am I wrong? If I said anything about his children, he gets defensive and angry. So I don't feel like we're a "family" at all.
You're right. I am not
You're right. I am not perfect. Here is an example that just happened last night: My kids have been having homework issues lately. My oldest (13) hasn't handed in an essay that was due and her teacher e-mailed me. I asked my daughter about it and she gave me excuses about it. So I told her if she didn't get it done, I would be taking away all electronics. My son (11) recently had an issue with class. The teacher e-mailed me and said that he has been talking too much in class and as a result, not paying attention. I addressed it. He has been doing much better with a positive response from the teacher. My youngest (9) has a history of lying about completing her homework, so she has to leave her back pack at the kitchen table. The younger two are supposed to show me their homework every night before they get their electronics (my oldest didn't have a problem with homework previous to this). I have been inconsistent, so yes, my husband has a valid point. But last night I took all of their electronics away (phones, ipads, laptops) because I pretty much had it with homework issues. My daughter is in middle school and is responsible for getting herself on the bus and requires a reliable alarm clock. Her alarm clock is broken (which I learned last night) so I gave her phone back so that she had an alarm. Wrong or right is not the issue. I may very well be wrong for giving her phone back, but is that not my mistake to make? When I got back into my bedroom, my husband unleashed holy hell on me.
I'm not trying to win "most awesome parent in the house." I'm just trying to be a good mom for my kids. And a good step-mom for his kids.
Let me make note that his kids are with their BM for homework time. He never deals with his own kids over homework issues. So I don't think he should be telling me how I should deal with my own kids.
Why on earth are you paying
Why on earth are you paying the majority of bills? Stop that right now. 50/50 split unless there is a reason to not do that.
Sit DH down and tell him the following….”DH, I love you we are a family, but that does not mean we discipline each others kids. We are step parents. So that mean you need to act like a friendly Uncle to my kids and I will act like a friendly Aunt to your kids. We will never parent he same so lets leave the parenting up to the bio parents. Example…If my kids leave out dishes, come and let me know. I will take care of it. That means, I will pick them up or I make them do it. It is my business and it is the way I want to parent. Just because we got married does not mean we are going to start parenting the same.”
And then you find your back bone hun.
That's exactly my problem!
That's exactly my problem! If my husband didn't insist on "parenting" my kids, I would have no problem with how he parents his kids. My kids see the inequalities! He insists that my oldest empty the dishwasher when his oldest won't lift a finger. If we're at the grocery store and my kid asks for something, he freaks. Yesterday we were at the grocery store and his son just reached up and pulled candy down onto the belt and my husband rolled his eyes and then let his daughter pick something out. I have absolutely no problem with the kids picking out something (within reason), but don't treat my kids differently. If I let my kids get something, he literally harps on me about how I'm letting them do what they want. My daughter asked to go to the movies with her friend and I gave her $20 for the movie and snacks. And then at CVS, she asked for hair dye, which I allowed as well. My husband argued with me over it. Why is it ok for his kids and not mine? That's my point. Don't criticize my parenting and then treat your kids differently. I would be all for having the same rules if he didn't treat them differently.
To respond to your comment, I don't really care what my husband thinks about my parenting. I am ok to "agree to disagree." But he tries to parent my kids when I leave the parenting of his children to him. Aside from correcting immediate behavior like fighting or hitting, I don't discipline his kids. And I have NEVER yelled at his kids. He yells at my kids ALL the time.
I pay a majority of the bills
I pay a majority of the bills because I receive child support and he pays it. His excuse is also that I have 3 kids that are in the house 90% of the time and his 2 kids are with us 50%. So I pay 2/3 of the mortgage and we split the bills 50/50. Anything extra I end up paying because everything is in my name and I control the bank accounts. I know this is stupid, but I have no idea where his money goes. I get frustrated when he buys his kids extras all the time when he says he doesn't have more money to contribute to the household, but the house is in my name and it's agreed that if we split, he would only get what he put in. It is what it is...
I did pull my husband aside yesterday prior to a fight we had asking him to back off of the criticism. He said he would drop it. And then as explained in the homework story, he blew up at me.
You're right. When I bought
You're right. When I bought the house, my husband did feel like the house was mine. Which I have worked hard at correcting. He contributed to the down payment and pays 1/3 of the mortgage. I treat the house like its our home.
And I can definitely see that having my kids 90% of the time could be frustrating for him. Especially because my ex-husband is not a great dad and my kids would rather be with their step-father than their biological father. I can also see that the fact that he's with them more than their own father contributes to him parenting them. I just wish it was the same as how he treats his own kids. He only has them 50% of the time and feels like he has to compete with his ex-wife with "memories" and "gifts." Since I pay most of the bills, I can't buy my kids $40 Lego sets every weekend like he can with his kids.
This reminds me of a
This reminds me of a story.
About a year ago, DH was working on his truck and SS with "helping". SS brings something that DH kept in his truck into the house and put it on the dining room table. I'm thinking, why does he have it and why is it in my house.
Later that day DH and I run to Lowes together and he starts complaining about SS. He says SS kept taking something out of his truck and wouldn't stop even after he told him 3x's. I told him that I saw the item laying on the table in the house. He says he can't understand why he acts like that.
All I asked was "What was SS's consequence for not listening to you three times"....Man, you would have thought I called the kid every name in the book. DH started yelling about how I hate his kid and I think he's a bad father.
Steplife is exhausting.
Our transition to a blended
Our transition to a blended family was never easy, but he definitely wasn't as outright with his criticism prior to marriage. We worked through many issues, and honestly, the only thing we fight about is kids and parenting differences. When we are alone, we don't have any issues. I get frustrated over his kids and his parenting, and he gets frustrated over mine. We have been to therapy before and it's clear we need to go back. He says I'm drawing a line in the sand when I ask him not to criticize my parenting. He says that I'm separating our family.
For the record, I bought the house before we got married. It's in my name only, but he does contribute 1/3 of the mortgage and has bought appliances, etc... I can afford the house by myself, which was something I made sure of before I bought it.
! He insists that my oldest
! He insists that my oldest empty the dishwasher when his oldest won't lift a finger. If we're at the grocery store and my kid asks for something, he freaks. Yesterday we were at the grocery store and his son just reached up and pulled candy down onto the belt and my husband rolled his eyes and then let his daughter pick something out. I have absolutely no problem with the kids picking out something (within reason), but don't treat my kids differently. If I let my kids get something, he literally harps on me about how I'm letting them do what they want. My daughter asked to go to the movies with her friend and I gave her $20 for the movie and snacks. And then at CVS, she asked for hair dye, which I allowed as well. My husband argued with me over it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I would not live like this. You need to put your foot down asap. I bet your kids hate living with this man. Kind of sad.