Unfit -Ex Child Hand Off
Writing on behalf of a friend...
I have a close girlfriend who has two lovely your girls (6 and 11) with her Ex. She seems to be constantly mis-treated by the court system so I'm turning to my ST friends to see if we're nuts...
My girl friend and her ex- have been separated over 6 years. She is a capable, responsible Mom in her 30s. She's a small business owner, has a regular pay check and takes great care of her girls. Her ex- has the girls 2 days per week. He has a history of drugs and alcohol such that she wants to be present for pick-up and hand-off each time as she wants to be able to gauge whether he is fit to keep them during the days he has the girls. He has trouble keeping a job, does not have a driver's license and depends on what appears (to me) to be a revolving door of "girlfriends" to drive him to/from work and to pick up the girls (though most transport is done by my friend).
They days that he has the girls has changed throughout the last few years because of his availability because of work (he tends to change blue collar jobs every couple of months). This (until recently) has been amicable. Now there's a new girlfriend (new to the ex-). Where my friend and the LAST girlfriend got along well the new one (together with the ex-) has gone to extraordinary measures (via phone/text/etc.) to say nasty things to the Mom. It's escalated recently to the ex- in the presence of the girls using the "c" word and other abusive language to the extent that some of the exchanges have happened with the police present.
HOWEVER, on more than one occasion though ex- has been obviously under the influence the police said he wasn't "drunk enough" to not see the girls. Yesterday, AGAINST the court order for visitation the school released the girls to him and Mom got there and couldn't find her kids. Since the girls never go home with their father from school (again, it's against the parenting agreement) they didn't have their phones and the ex- refused to let the girls speak to their mother.
The Dad is clearly not following the rules and the Mom is (I've read the custody agreement and been with her when she's talked to the cops). The school is not following the court order and claiming it's not their fault. The Dad wants to change the days of visitation (which Mom is amenable to but wants to do it through the court because when they've done it just based on conversations he changes his mind and then acts like she's withholding the girls) but he won't open the issue with the court. Should SHE have to lead this effort based on his circumstances?
It just seems like the court is remarkably favoring the deadbeat, addict Dad (he hasn't paid child support in years). Does this sound normal to you guys?
Thanks, Brick... I hear ya.
Thanks, Brick... I hear ya. If my ex- (no BIOs here of my own so I probably don't even get an opinion) but if my ex- picked my kids up trashed I'd want to have the option of seeing it and telling them to go to their rooms before they got in a car with him...
"It just seems like the court
"It just seems like the court is remarkably favoring the deadbeat, addict Dad (he hasn't paid child support in years). Does this sound normal to you guys?"
I don't see where the "court" is favoring this drunk because it's not going through the court. It's all being done by your friend and her ex with an occasional policeman tossed in.
Yes. Your friend has to take the lead. If nothing else she is the one responsible parent these kids have, If she's not going to go to bat for the kids, who is?
If Dad is a druggie and a drinker who has arrived to pick up my kids, he wouldn't get them in any vehicle. Currently as he is not dependable, if the kids are going for a visitation, BM needs to deliver them to his home. I don't like that, but you need to hire an attorney to sort things out. Some parents are actually ordered drug/alcohol testing. I also would not be randomly switching up visitation days/times. Example, if the only day Dad is regularly off continuously , I'd ask for 9am to 7pm on Sundays be his time.
Have your friend discuss all this wit an attorney. He/she will want to review the CO as written and see what might be modified. If the Dad is truly a drunken druggie, supervised visitation may even be a possibility.
While Dad has rights to see his kids, it's your friend's responsibility to assure these kids are safe when they do see their Dad. Saying Dad is unfit is not enough. BM would have to work through the court, to prove and let a judge rule and decide.
Thanks, twoview... you're
Thanks, twoview... you're absolutely right and that's what she plans. I guess my court reference wasn't really the "court" as much as it was the "legal system". It was the Dad showing up tossed that I just thought was insane.
The kids seem like pawns in this case. Dad's new girlfriend is a single Mom herself of a 5yo. They have been together 3 months and are "getting married so they can all be a family". While I don't wish the worst on anyone trying to become a healthy blended family it seems like playing "house" as "responsible Dad" right now is merely a convenience.
And off to court she goes!
Hi Echo, Thank you! She's
Hi Echo,
Thank you! She's been to court TWICE. Both times they have said that he wasn't "impaired enough" to keep the girls home. And, since he wasn't driving (the girlfriend was because of suspended license/no car) the cops said Mom can do nothing about it.
She hasn't done anything yet about the verbal abuse (as it's only been a few weeks... not that that's okay) but she's motivated to now.
Thank you, all, for the sanity check. Having you guys support me is helping her understand (more) that I'm not (unduly) biased towards her but that her ex- is a jerk (as is his bimbo).
H.
As sad as it may be she does
As sad as it may be she does not have the authority to withhold the children from their dad based on her layman's assessment of his condition of intoxication at the time of kid exchange. However, she can enforce the terms of the CO regarding visitation and if her X wants to change the visitation schedule then HE needs to get back to court to make that change.
His taking of the children from school may be in violation of the CO and if it is then SHE needs to file a contempt motion with the court for each time he violates the CO.
If the X and his new GF are abusive then your friend, the BM, needs to deal with it in court and go to court with both barrels loaded with documented facts regarding their behaviors and actions. It is not likely that a Judge will stop an NCP's access to the kids but your premise that courts favor NCP dads is way off of general reality in my experience and opinion. The CP tends to hold most of the advantages and the NCP has few in most cases. Even waste of skin POS BioDad's who are the NCP have some rights and Judge's are unlikely to end their right to visitation and time with their kids.
In our case my bride of nearly 23 years was the CP and the SpermIdiot was the NCP. He is a waste of skin but we never attempted to deny our son visitation with his BioDad or the broader SpermClan.
As much as I/We felt that limiting the kid's exposure to that toxic element of his gene pool we made sure to not put ourselves in the position of being a barrier to the CO'd visitation schedule or the Skid'd relationship with his Bio-Paternal clan.
Your friend may be well served to take a similar attitude so as to no get crossways with the Courts. Protect the best interests of the kids involved but do not be obstructionist to the Dad's time with his kids. Do this by focusing on the CO, his compliance with the CO (and your friends compliance with the CO), any deviations he may have with the CO, and any criminal behaviors he perpetrates (drug use). Do not pursue his criminal behaviors through the family courts. If he breaks the law... call the police. If he is impaired at a kid exchange video tape it and call the police then petition the court to limit his access to the kid until he gets his proverbial shit together.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck to your friend.
The whole deadbeat spchell
The whole deadbeat spchell doesn't work here and I'll tell you why: you/she says he's intoxicated at pick up or is an alcoholic-well if he's not given a breathalizer to prove he is under the influence then that's just guessing on her part. Her trying to be there at every pick up to make sure he is sober (?) comes across as controlling. So instead of trying to control the dad's visit based on driving, she needs to offer a solution (that's what judges want to hear) She needs to offer to do all transportation if she's worried about his drinking. She needs to ask for FROR and have the normal clause that states no over night guest until marriage. But of course she has to be willing to do these things herself.
Schools are not supposed to
Schools are not supposed to release children without the consent of the CP. This is a huge liability for them. She should remind them of that.
Courts go out of their way to make sure children get to see the NCP. Even prison inmates get to see their kids. If he has a drug/alcohol problem, the court will likely order her to transport the kids, so if she is so concerned about his driving, why not just do it herself anyway?
These girls are old enough to walk from car-to-car or car-to-house without assistance, so there is no reason for the parties to have any opportunity for Jerry Springer antics. If I not, then she should bring a video camera to the exchanges to capture the antics for later use. Sometimes the camera is enough to keep people in line.