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What to do when bio mom keeps emotionally hurting the kids

Alapheria's picture

Submitted by Alapheria on Mon, 10/21/2019 - 2:32pm

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Co-Parenting

My husband has custody of his 2 girls from his previous marriage. Bio mom is to get the girls every other weekend from 9am Saturday to 6pm Sunday and does not pay child support (not ordered to due to agreement between my husband and her). That's not the problem. She has shortened her weekend visits to 9am to 4pm Saturday's with no overnights. Then she's cancelled several times because "she has to work that day" and turns out, she's taking her son with her new hubby to birthday parties, fairs and events but doesn't want to deal with the girls. Now she's cancelled for the past month and a half. The oldest girl (7) doesn't want to go to her bio moms anymore because she keeps letting them down, doesn't always make sure they're fed when they're with her and she's mean to them sometimes. The youngest girl (4) agrees and cries when they have to go over there. I'm doing all I can to make sure the girls feel loved and wanted but I don't know what to say when they tell me they don't want to go to their bio mom's anymore. Anyone else dealing with this?

Alapheria's picture

Submitted by Alapheria on Tue, 10/22/2019 - 9:06am

But the feedback I've gotten is mixed between, go to court and you have no real leg to stand on even with evidence because she's still their mom

Wnc2ak's picture

Submitted by Wnc2ak on Mon, 11/04/2019 - 8:02pm

Honestly, this may be my particular state and county where they are very adamant that both parents are involved (it may be different where you are). The best thing to do is speak with a seasoned family court lawyer to get a consultation then ask for the "no bs" percentage of it going somewhere.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Tue, 10/22/2019 - 9:14am

You can't force a parent to care or take all of their visitation.  All you can really do is make them pay CS, even then you'll usually have to pay thousands to start that process. I'm dealing with a similar issue with exH. He chooses to see his son 1x a month for a few hours with no overnights and this isn't even consistent.  If I ask about the weekend he was supposed to take bio or the camping trip he promised, then I'm accused of stirring up drama.  

Some parents just don't care. It's a sad reality, but you can't bar the bio parent from seeing the kids or stop sending them.  The kids can have more of a say when they're older but for now your DH legally has to send them.  

Alapheria's picture

Submitted by Alapheria on Tue, 10/22/2019 - 9:21am

It still breaks my heart seeing disappointment drain their little eyes of light then the oldest starts saying things that makes it seem like she's shutting down all emotions just to not feel upset and hurt

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Tue, 10/22/2019 - 11:27pm

I know it's hard to see a child hurt but this is their reality and you can't change that or be their replacement mother. They have a mom and unfortunately she kinda sucks. Dad needs to talk with BM about the situation, how the girls are disappointed and talk to the girls.  Maybe times can be adjusted so they're still spending the same amount of time with her but on different days or makeup during holidays or summer.  Ideally COD's will have a great relationship with both parents but this rarely happens. Kids usually become closer to one parent than another and sometimes parents become distant.  

I got my kids into sports to help them burn excess energy and focus on something besides family drama.  If the girls have something else to look forward to it may help.