How should a dad treat his step children

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Hi,
I have two children from a previous marriage. My new husband and I have been married for 16 months. I want to know what role he should be playing in my sons lives. They are 4 and 6. He seems to think that screaming at them and degrading them and threatening them is the way to go. I do not believe in this and his answer is that he raised 3 children this way and he knows what he is doing. They are all in their 20s and have very little to do with him and swear a lot which my boys have picked up. I honestly don't know what to do any more because he always thinks he knows best, but calling small children names and using threats he never pulls through is not the way to go.

Firstly, he is not their dad.

Firstly, he is not their dad. Secondly, he should not be anyone's father either. Did this behaviour seriously only start after you married? I strongly urge you to parent your own children and he mind his p and q's.

Where is your boys biological father?

The boys father I left when I

The boys father I left when I was 4 weeks pregnant with as he was extremely verbally abusive and broke me as a woman. He does not feature in their lives because he chooses not to have anything to do with them and if he does it has to be supervised. He was wonderful with the boys until the honeymoon period as such came to an end and reality hit him I guess which was about 6 months into our marriage.

My husband gets really pissed off with them when they disrespect me and a lot of the problems come in then because he refuses to butt out when they are being rude to me.

Seems like you attract

Seems like you attract verbally abusive men. Their father is abusive, step father is abusive and you are allowing it. I'm guessing that your father was verbally/emotionally abusive as well. Your kids are being abusive and disrespectful, you need to grow up and put a stop to it now. You cannot control your husbands behavior, he's dealing with his own demons and doing the best he can. He treated his own kids like this, why did you think he'd treat your kids any different?

You're not the victim here, you're the enabler. You claim abuse from your ex, current husband and your small children. You need to take control of the situation, insist your DH get counseling and take parenting classes or get out. Stop the cycle of abuse because your kids are on the fast track to becoming the next dysfunctional generation.

I mean 4 weeks pregnant with

I mean 4 weeks pregnant with my second child. I divorced him a month after my second son was born.

Your sons disrespect you? I

Your sons disrespect you? I can see your H's perspective here. What do you do when they speak to you like that? How do you handle it and what consequences do you giv your children?

Shouldn't matter how she

Shouldn't matter how she reacts.....her hubs needs to butt out.

tommar, she says her children

tommar, she says her children at just 4 and 6 are disrespectful ... I think there is more to this than the highlights given.

tommar agreed, having said

tommar agreed, having said that, men in this country are not as evolved on EQ. It is not an excuse and this man is most likely parenting as he was raised. OP needs to decide if she wants to show him a more cerebral way or walk away.

Either way she also needs to handle the fact her boys are that young and disrespectful.

Even if they are

Even if they are disrespectful to her, that isn't an excuse for her husband to verbally abuse them.

She left a husband who abused her, now she's married to man who is abusing her kids.

My boys are given time out or

My boys are given time out or they have things taken away, but they then pretend its a joke and I just keep going on with what I have said and don't back down.

Chick, this one is a toughie.

Chick, this one is a toughie. I am going to tell you my DH will not tolerate the kids disrespecting me. It is a rare case you're describing in my home. SS is the worst with it. It makes my DH angry and he shouts. He is 7 years old.

I think you two need a same page stance. I will ask if your H is Afrikaans or from a very traditional Saffer back round? It doesn't excuse it but I know our men. If you have decided time out is your route (which I am 100% in agreement with) then tell your H that. If he is truly going to play a father role (which him and the boys need to decide) then he needs to co parent and not unilaterally parent.

If you cannot reach a joint consensus then it is your children or your H.

My husband is from a cape

My husband is from a cape coloured background and does speak Afrikaans, but mostly English...except when he gets pissed then its all in Afrikaans and my boys look at him squiff. My husband calls my older son a vuilgat and a that very horrible Afrikaans word for a glutton...cant think of it right now. He calls him a vuilgat when he does something wrong. The other word he is called when my husband has decided that he is eating too much. He will also give my son more food if he asks for more and then force my son to eat it all and then my son complains of a sore stomach cos he has now over eaten and then he tells my son to wait and see what he will look like in a few months from over eating.

My husband doesn't believe in timeout or will threaten it and never go through with it, but then I am told I am the one who is being a bad parent.

The other day I told him I

The other day I told him I never call his children vuilgats and asked him how he would feel if i called his children that and he refused to answer it and instead apologised just to use it again a few days later and then he apologised to my son for saying it.

Your H is an asshole and you

Your H is an asshole and you should leave. That is abuse and not just a disagreement on respecting mom.

And he also keeps telling me

And he also keeps telling me that if we get divorced it will be because of my son and not him.

They are 4 and 6. He seems to

They are 4 and 6. He seems to think that screaming at them and degrading them and threatening them is the way to go.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WTH? You can't seriously think that anyone here is going to tell you this is ok?

Do you work?

You are allowing your children to be abused. Stop the madness. Leave and get them out of this situation. (And I rarely suggest leaving!)

I read it all. The man is

I read it all. The man is cursing, yelling, and degrading a 4 and 6 year old. Bad form. And on top of that...he is making one of them eat until he is sick.

She left one abusive guy for another. IMHO...she needs to leave asap. I would NEVER allow anyone to abuse my kids like that.

OP, the pattern that jumps

OP, the pattern that jumps out at me most of all is that you married two abusive men and are raising two.

The common denominator is you. Please access a class for women that teaches them how to break this cycle. Or find a self help group like co-dependents anonymous.

I actually recommend doing this before you leave your dh because alone with 2 unruly kids you are extremely likely to just find yourself in the arms of yet another man with this personality. So might as well fix it now. There is even the chance that your dh is not a bad guy but is capable of learning new ways of relating along with you.

Children as little as yours should be more compliant to their mother. I do believe there is good evidence here that you are putting yourself in a powerless stance toward others, including toward your children. Prove that you are not powerless! Learn some new habits!