Advice, please. Bio-Dad in Bio-hell with teen-boy-hating finance
Hello all,
Thank you for this website. My problem is complicated, though hopefully solvable...
My ex-wife and I (of 17-ish years) broke up 3 years ago. We share a 15-year-old son who lived with me for 1 1/2 years, and now lives with his mother.
Two years ago I met a beautiful woman with whom I have developed a very strong bond. Over that time she had expressed discomfort with the length of my previous marriage, yet she has not hesitated to show love and support to my son. Now, here is the problem....
My son so enjoyed his time with my GF and me that he apparently told his bio-mom...who promptly lost it. Once I proposed to my GF -- much to my son's delight -- my son's bio-mom became so jealous that she launched a nasty and passive-aggressive online campaign against my fiance and me, wrought with slander. In time the bio-mom manipulated my son into involvement, and now he occasionally gets in on it.
Needless to say, my fiance is over it. (I would be too.) I do not know what to do. He is thinking young and irrationally and will be off to college in less than 3 years. My fiance and I, on the other hand, can spend the rest of our lives together, with my first bio-son visiting. Plus, once we are out of town, the bio-mom may chill a bit.
Thoughts? Advice? I will always be his bio-dad with bio-dad-advice, but I also do not want to become a bio-martyr.
I don't think it necessarily
I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with jealousy, romantic intent, or wanting exes back.
It has everything to do with habits and an ability to cut improper ties. In general, the longer the marriage, the more BS that there is to sort through when it's over with.
Oftentimes even the simplest things, like "Do I still call him to help me unclog my sink? It would benefit the kids, after all, so I'm going to call him" that aren't apparent to anyone as being the vestiges of a dead relationship that need to be put to sleep.
I also think that, in general, a longer marriage increases the likelihood of one partner holding onto resentment. How often do we hear things like "He wasted the best years of my life"?
And, speaking of years, men do tend to date/remarry women that are younger, and that often brings out the green-eyed monster in an ex, especially if she's holding onto a feeling that the years were wasted with her ex.
BM is a clingy controlling pain in our butt, but I do not mistake her BS for romantic intent. She does think that my DH owes her and that he is her property. She is wrong on both counts.
There's no shame in having a
There's no shame in having a long engagement and waiting until your son has launched before tying the knot.
You are exactly right. You
You are exactly right. You can spend the rest of your lives together with your future wife. Your son can have two options...either accept your fiance and build blended relationship (doesn't sound like this is happening anytime soon) OR you protect your fiance in every way possible from the BM and BS drama. Give BS the option to have a relationship with you apart from fiance if he chooses...but he HAS to be respectful and polite. That includes not bashing on social media.
Your finance should also realize that your BS doesn't have to like her...but does owe you the respect to be respectful and polite to your son. She should realize that if he doesn't want a relationship with her he still needs a relationship with you. She should be able to accept that and give a little space for that to happen.
But do not place one above the other. It's not like your BS is three and can't distinguish emotions and facts. He is a grown person who, like you, said will be going off to college in three months. He doesn't have to like your fiance or be around her all that much BUT he does have to be polite and respectful. You can foster your relationship with him outside of your life with your fiance.
Good luck!
Her feelings are real that
Her feelings are real that she is expressing and, hopefully, you will be a man who will stand up for her and her feelings, even if it upsets your son and ex wife. Otherwise, you are in for a long time of misery and she is already thinking about that...wisely so. A lot of men cannot defend their wives for fear of losing the child; then they lose any potential for any "family" connection between the wife and child, because the wife will be forced to totally disengage from the mess she did not create, and quite often did not expect.
At least this lady is wise enough to question what she is seeing now. My question is, "Are you strong enough to AWAYS stand by her?" Think about it seriously, many men are not. They seem more married to their kids than the wife, so the wife calls it quits, or completely moves away from any connection with them. And, do not think for one minute moving out helps, because adults (even away), manage to stay enmeshed frequently with dadeeeee and dadddeeee forgets he has a wife.
Will that be you, or not? Be honest with her too.
You can have a lifelong happy
You can have a lifelong happy marriage with your fiancee if you protect her from attacks.
You can raise a young man you will be proud of if you teach him how to be one.
Right now your young man needs a lesson in how real men behave. That is that they do not allow attacks against their girlfriends/wives and you won't allow it either.
Next, they return kindness for kindness. GF has been kind to him, you expect him to be kind back.
You can then switch gears a bit and recognize that he's just a kid still. You realize he has feelings about his mom and their divorce. Make it very clear to kid that the divorce was ancient history by the time you met gf and she had nothing to do with it. Be sure to also point out that if gf left you there is no way you would get back with his mother nor she with you. Then tell him that you expect one day his mother will find a partner and you insist your boy treat him with respect.
If this message doesn't get through, start following up with consequences.