You're a step parent. Translation: you're nothing special
I will preface this with the fact that I know I am a grown, responsible adult and I do not get jealous or aggravated easily. However, biology dictates that there are certain things that are likely to trigger these emotions at the drop of a hat. I didn't post this in the step fathers section because I would like some input from the females, as well (bio or step parent).
Getting to the point: If you're a step parent without bio kids of your own, how do you guys deal with the fact that there will NEVER be anything special between you and your spouse? By this, I mean he/she has already had all the experiences that can possibly be experienced within a marriage: the marriage itself, kids, etc.
My wife and I have been married for 2 years and I have a 5 y/o SD from her previous marriage and I've talked to a couple other guys who married a single mom and have felt a similar vibe from them. Fact is, you will never have once-in-a-lifetime experiences the way she did with her first husband. We plan on trying for our own child in a month and, while I'm very excited about it, she acts like it's just another day at the office.
And from what I've heard from other step dads, it's the same across the board: When you date her, all you will hear about is how bad her ex was. At your wedding, all you will hear about is her last wedding. When she is pregnant with your first child, all you will hear about is how things went when she was pregnant with her last child. Any accomplishments your child attains, no matter how small or large, will be directly compared to her first child's. And so on.
My wife and I were on our honeymoon. We took a week-long cruise and were sitting on a beautiful beach in the Cayman Islands four days into the vacation. She suddenly breaks down and cries while sitting on the beach. I was worried that something might be seriously wrong with her and asked her what was going on. She said she missed her daughter. That was it. Her daughter was safe at home with family. I kept my mouth shut, but inwardly I was thinking "You're sitting on white sand under a palm tree, in front of turquoise water with your new husband who has never cheated on you, never hurt you, and whom your daughter adores. And you're crying? You compare your ex and me like we're angels against demons, like you're so thankful to be married to me. It's only been 4 days into this trip and you're crying? I'll bet you never had anything to cry about on your last honeymoon!"
I felt selfish, but at the same time justified in thinking this. And to me, it further illustrates my above point. Of course, I know some women feel this way about being stepmoms, as well. It seems you miss out on so much and, quite frankly, it makes me feel like a second-class citizen and very taken for granted. I love my wife dearly, but I feel it's only natural to feel these things. Any opinions or similar experiences?
Thank you for the reply.
Thank you for the reply. Some of this is true, but I do not at all reject my SD. I accept her as my daughter and care for her better than her BF ever did. I love her to death. My conflict is with my wife and not her.
I married by husband who has
I married by husband who has a 7 yr old son. The two of them had been on their own for the past 5 yrs because biomom/ex left them both. My DH I feel still in his mind compares me and the ex and will sometimes act towards me as if I am the ex i.e. clean to make me happy, always trying to cook for me and thinking I can't do things on my own. He has indirectly thrown it in my face that his son is not mine and that I shouldn't discipline like he is mine.
I am pregnant with our first and my first child. DH acted just like your wifes attitude is. Another kid. I know that ss will miss out on sports and other activities because his bio mom has come back into the picture to try and drive me away. I tell myself each day that no matter what my child will never miss out and will always be able to experience things in life even if it's not a family thing because ss isn't there. Pretty much I have taken the attitude of its me and my kid against Dh and his son.
I try to schedule things when ss is home with us but it gets hard and I'm not going to live my life around some kid and his mom.
Your wife either needs to get on the new family wagon and realize that you aren't her ex because you are still with her. Be excited as much as possible when she becomes pregnant and do it all for you and your life memories.
Thanks mdblwn, I feel the
Thanks mdblwn, I feel the same way. And thanks for the tips.
I would talk to your wife
I would talk to your wife about these feelings. They are completely normal and she is being a bit insensitive. My bf talks a lot about what things were like during his marriage and frankly, I don't care. We will be driving down the road and he'll say, "We looked at a house in that neighborhood..." It has gotten a lot better, but it used to drive me nuts. It's one thing if it's a funny story or something, but just to think thoughts out loud about how this and that was the first time...not cool. But I bet she would watch these things if you told her they bothered you!
Well...... You are wrong. Or
Well...... You are wrong. Or at least you should be wrong.
Every day is an exciting new first in a quality marriage between equity life partners dedicated to making a life together. Of course some days are more exciting than others but they are all a new first.
Two people bring their past and history to a relationship. All of that past is what makes each so appealing to the other.
In my case, I am the childless step father. My bride brought the Skid to the marriage though I was the one who brought the experience of a prior marriage and divorce to the relationship. She was a single teen mom who had an out of wedlock child by a POS serial breeding gang banger wannabe. All that considered, I would not change a thing about either my life or hers before we met. To change any of that would be to change what brought us together. Ultimately SS is an only child in our marriage but .... I am confident that if my DW and I had a child or more together our basic relationship would not be significantly different.
Ultimately I raised SS as my own. Considering the close relationship that you have with your SD, you can do the same. Together you and DW should be able foster excitement for SD regarding her baby brother/sister.
So, I would advise that you stop lamenting the whole "firsts" thing and change your perspective.
First, stop internalizing the things that bother you and start communicating. If DW does not know that you are hurt by her reliving the pain of her past marriage and discounts the amazing things that the two of you are doing together over "missing" her prior relationship progeny she will not know that those behaviors need to be changed.
If there is not a CO that gives her X regular time with the Skid then that needs to happen now. Though we both never liked having to put SS on a plane to SpermLand to spend time with his POS SpermIdiot and that shallow and polluted half of his gene pool we did learn to appreciate the dedicated time that gave for us to be a couple. My SS-27 was very young when we married. We met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. Like your SD does with you, he adored me from day one as I did him. Not that there were not some struggles to bonding and sustaining our relationship as SKid and SDad. But... we worked it out. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.
One thing that is a sure this is that if you continue to frequent time with the same people who are giving you the doom and gloom forecast for your blended marriage and SParenting experience it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.
You and DW are going to have to pointedly discuss the marriage you want to have together, focus on that, work together to make that happen, work together to work through the inevitable challenges that will arrise, and agree that as equity life partners that you both are equity parents to any children in your marriage regardless of kid biology.
Your child together will be the first child together for both of you. You will need to communicate to her clearly that you do not want the experiences that the two of you will have together with your first ours child to be overburdened excessively by comparisons between her experiences with your child and her experiences with SD when SD was an infant etc.... SD has already had her turn as an infant and toddler. It will be your child's turn. Since SD worships you, this may not be as difficult as you think.
Just my throughts of course.
Good luck.
Take care of you.