Sorry if this is so long, I just need to get it out of my head and into a place that where it's likely understood. SD5 will be here in 4 days and 18 hours for her week long summer visit. You may have noticed I'm counting the hours. I promise this is not out of the excitement I get from the princess' visits. It's the anxiety and dread I feel about it that has me watching the clock. I have planned several little exscursions to keep me away for some of it. I'm trying to not be obvious. It hurts my H very much that I really want nothing to do with spending time around the 2 of them together. I can't help it, they are the most obnoxious and irritating thing I have ever seen.

I have so much guilt and bitterness eating away at me that I just can't cope some days. As a stepdaughter (and a rotten one at that) to a stepfather, I should have known it wouldn't be easy. Here's the kicker, I knew it wouldn't be easy but I thought it would hard on HER not ME. She seems fine and I'm sure she's a lovely child when her father isn't around but due to their limited time together it hardly seems fair to take it away from them and make her spend some of it (however small) with me...thus they are always together (and obnoxiously so) during her visits. I on the other hand am not taking to my role in any way. WTF is wrong with me?

It's my very intense feelings about many angles concerning him, them, and their relationship. THe obvious lack of parenting is irritating to say the least but she is his child to screw up and mine are for me to screw up so I am mostly able to tolerate it. The times when I can't is when it directly affects my children and their behavior. They have been with their father fo the summer and will not return until after SD's visit so at least I don't have to worry about them around her for a whole week. Thank God for small miracles, one less thing to stress over.

I've posted before about "My Vacation in Hell" so I will not go into all the details, just a highlight. At the beginning of summer, just after H and I married, we all took a trip to Geargia. I have been doing this every year or 2 for years to visit family and have always had a wonderful time. This trip would have the added bonus of bringing my H to meet everyone. SD's first week long summer visit got planned for the same week without any discusion between H and I about it. Well I was happy to go see family with just my kids as usual but H thought it would still be a great "family vacation". Ok, no problem. Would prefer not to have his kid there because it would end up being more about entertaining her and making sure she had a great time than I cared to worry about...but we'll make the best of it. I didn't actually say that to him but I was sure thinking it.

This was the first time I really observed H's relationship and parenting style during a long term visit and in an environment I couldn't really remove myself from to avoid the things that irritate me. IT WAS HORENDOUS. By the end of this trip I was so very overloaded and had gone into a mental meltdown (that's the only way I can describe what I felt) that caused extreme emotional and physical distress at just the THOUGHT of being around them again at all, in any environment. I have been slowly bringing myself back from this despite a couple of setbacks. It's not going great but it's going.

Last visit I was able to stay in the house with them even though I locked myself away in our bedroom. This upset my H almost as much as me staying away from the house. And H was making it worse by constantly checking on me and inviting me to spend time with them. I had talked to him and tried as best and as delicatly as I could to explain what happened and what I was feeling about it before SD's first regular EOW visit after the trip. We have had several discussions/arguments about it since. He knows I don't want to spend time with them right now and he knows why but he keeps desperately pushing for it. I get his need for us to get along but the pressure just made it worse.

Now she's coming back on Monday for another week long visit and I have been dreading it since her first one. Like I said, I have plans to get me away from them a little. Also he will be working during some of this visit. This is the only good part of this visit. It will be the first chance I've had to spend time with SD alone and get to know her some. The problem with that is it really doesn't matter if I like her when she's away from H because I won't see her like that again until next summer. I guess I'm more curious than anything about if H is the sole influence in her obnoxious behavior (whiny, needy, clingy, need to be constantly entertained by someone, and completely devoid of independece).

Either way, what I'm dreading is the time I will have to be around them. If I time things just right it shouldn't be an enormous amount of time I spend with them but right now ANY amount of time seems ovewhelming. I am lucky in one regard...very lucky. My husband wants to make this work, maybe even more than I do. He wants to work on things and make them better. Even if he doesn't know how to go about it, he WANTS to. That may be one of the most important ingredients in making these things work. I know a lot of steps on here have H's who just try to ignore it or brush it off on the SM and I can only imagine the added frustration that brings to the relationship.

I bought the book "Loving Without Spoiling" and highlighted a few chapters that specifically addresses some of my issues with H's parenting. I didn't say a word about it to him, I just left it out on the desk...AND HE'S BEEN READING IT!!! I was amazed by this, I don't know why. Not only did he read what I marked but other parts as well. AND he's initiating discussions with me about some of it and how he didn't realize that he was doing some of these things until he read it (even things I have tried to bring to his attention). Everyone understands things in their own way, he comprehends things in writing much better than when presented verbally. I recognized this about him and it was my hope that he would read at least some of it and understand what I'd been trying to relate to him.

I'm rambling now. Ok, so SD is coming and I am anxious and dreading it and full of guilt for feeling like I'm not doing my part to make this work due to the huge set-back during the vacation in hell. Maybe I should take up drinking...

Also, donations in the form of xanax, valium, qualudes, etc...are now being accepted JK...sorta