Uphill battle..
There comes a moment when you realize that you will never have what you want. That this vision, dream, idea of a family isn't going to happen no matter what you do. That moment happened today.
I have been the punching bag for BM and my skids for way too long.
BM hates me and will not stop her relentless pursuit to make her kids feel the same. She has already planted the seed and is watering it with constant lies, guilt and manipulation.. Everything from blaming me for her choosing to move away (she hates me and can't co-parent with me) to flat out lies about things I simply did not do (flipping her off at football game).. It is constant and will never stop.
That is their mom.. they believe her and are loyal to her. No matter what I do, they will not accept me in any shape or form. I don't completely blame them.. I'd probably feel the same way too if my mom was manipulating me like she does.
DH is constantly being fed lies by BM about me as well.. He gets emails and texts about me: everything from my character to what the kids say about me to her. Most of it he ignores, but it still does some damage.. especially when it comes to lies she tells him about the kids talking to her about me.. or maybe they aren't lies.. maybe the kids do talk all this crap to her about me and when he confronts them they don't own it. Either way.. it does it's job and causes issues.
So.. there is this edge in our home.. an unhealthy vibe. The skids hate me.. DH is aware of it and really, what can he do? He can't make them acknowledge me.. he can't make them feel warmth towards me. He tries to make them respect me and be considerate, but that is a daily battle.
I have no peace. None.
And I can't do a damn thing about it. If I confront psycho BM about it, she will flip it on me and make her the victim.. If I try to address it with the skids, they get defensive and won't listen to anything..
Totally screwed.. completely frustrated. Questioning why I am putting myself through this hell.. I can't even come up with 3 good reasons to continue down this road. How sad is that?
Being a stepmom sucks.. being a stepmom with a crazy BM trying to ruin your life is impossible.
How old are the kids and how
How old are the kids and how much time do they spend with you?
Can you just treat them like they are roommate's visiting friend. Don't waste any time or money on them. Ignore when possible.
They are 12 & 14 and we have
They are 12 & 14 and we have them full time, so no.. it is flat out impossible to ignore them and act like they aren't there.
I have partially disengaged, but really is that any way to live? Divided. Miserable. Resentful. It's unhealthy.
I want people who want me in their lives.
Your house sounds just like
Your house sounds just like mine. I literally plan my day around being out of the house from when they get home from school until my husband gets home, so I don't have to interact with them alone. I also travel for work, so I schedule all of my overnight trips for the nights when they're here. I will only have to spend 2 more evenings with them the whole month of September, and no weekends.
This is not what I expected when I got married. I love my husband, but how much longer can I live like this?
I agree wholeheartedly! It
I agree wholeheartedly! It does suck...and it sucks that we have NO CONTROL in our own homes, lives, etc. I persoanlly feel that everything in one way or another is affected and revolves around skid/bm. Two people that I despise...have that much power and control...sickening!
For example: we live ck to ck, we are not wanting for anything persay but we also have no extra to save or have any extras, but if dh were to work MORE she would get more in cs, but if dh did side work he would only be able to do it eowe instead of every wkend because his schedule is affected by having skid..and the list goes on and on of how THEY affect/control OUR lives etc.
I love my dh but I wish that I either didnt marry him or waited until cs and skid visits were DONE! Now I live a life where we have no privacy in our own home when skid is around because bm will know all of our business what we say, do and have in our house etc, deal wth a miserable bitter bitch who spreads constant lies about my dh and is jealous of me and talks shit about me, uses skid as a pawn to pay for her lifestyle and "upkeep" etc.
This life IS THE WORST!!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD!?! You are the QUEEN of the house. Don't ever feel like you don't have control that's just giving up!
Zero control. Zero extra $$
Zero control.
Zero extra $$ too.. We got custody of these kids full time - nothing I could do about it either without being made out to be the worst person on earth! I did not want them.. knew what this would do to my life, but they wanted to live with DH - oh and get this "but not with me." WTF?
BM moved, quit her job and was ordered to pay less than 200/mo in CS!! For 2 teenage boys who play sports! Are you kidding me?
You are right.. everything hinges on them. If DH makes more money.. she pays less (is that even possible?).. my money supports these kids more than BM's.. its absolute bullshit.
Can't go on a vacation alone - not enough money and we have the skids full freaking time. So, we never get a break for more than 48 hours - and on the weekend she is supposed to get them, she drags it out until it's 8pm on a Friday.. so literally we get 2 nights alone every month!
Privacy? what's that? SK12 listens to every word said in the house. I have literally gone out and sat in my car, in the garage, so I could have a conversation in private.
No peace.. can't even watch TV without them invading that..
I hate this. I have no life.. all I do is make the lives of people who hate me easier. DH isn't the greatest either.. It's a 60/40 split and the 40% good isn't good enough to offset the 60% hell.
Yes it is impossible! The
Yes it is impossible! The only thing I have kept with is never ever say a bad thing about the BM. I have even told SD when they are fighting her mother loves her and it is best to work it out. Now the BM seems to talk shit about me, but at least when my SD gets older she can never say that I talked about her mother. Anything that I have thought about the BM I have said directly to her and in most cases she realized she was wrong and I doubt if she shared our exchanges with anyone. And if she were to twist things my SD knows I am not that way. Just show your SD's who you are. In time they will realize what has been going on. Your DH needs to grow up and realize who he lays down at night with! Tell him to grow a pair and stop listening to gossip like a little girl!
I really try to not say
I really try to not say anything about her.
But when I am constantly having to defend myself against her lies its hard not to just call it out - "your mom hates me and is filling your heads with lies so you will too."
That does not go over well.
Or when sk12 is bitching because we bought the store brand cheese nips and how they aren't good enough.. and I'm talking really nasty tone bitching about it.. and he then has the balls to say his mom buys the regular brand - I'm like seriously?
DH doesn't enable them to be aholes - it's just who they are. He is guilty of letting the BS get to him and eventually it comes out and we fight - usually it's when I get to the point where the skids have really gotten under my skin and I have to snap them back to reality.. then later will come the accusations from DH that I don't like them and have no patience..
It is awful and really does
It is awful and really does eat away at everything you hold dear your self confidence your love for your husband. Im not really sure its worth it and wish id had the courage years ago to get out. If your young enough and really feel like this you need to remove yourself from a toxic situation. if i was diagnosed with cancer tommorow i would totally blame it on my situation - how bad is that
This makes me so sad to hear
:jawdrop: This makes me so sad to hear you ladies say how terrible things are. I have been a Step for more than 15 years and have been thu a lot, but never have I wanted to give up on my DH or SD. Now there are times I have had to step out of some things but as far as not having mutual control in my household never! I agree with SLTJ it is tuff and if you don't have the skin for it move on, just make sure you aren't going to have regrets later!
No you are never going to be
No you are never going to be a "family". Accept that.
The two skids hate you and maybe they always will. Accept that.
You do not have to try to get them to like you and accept you. Make your DH accept that.
Yes of course that causes a lot of tension. But that may be the best that you can have with your DH.
Have you talked to him about what happens as they age out? Is he the kind of person who will want them to live with you forever? Is HE worth putting up with their crap?
At 12 and 14 there really should not be much that you have to do for them. If it was a 4 year old and a 6 year old yes you'd have to have some responsibility just like you would if you saw any child about to fall to harm. You do not have to do anything for them except not kill them.
Do you have family dinners? Can you at least sometimes have a private dinner with your DH and let them fend for themselves.
Does your home have enough room that you can get a little space from them?
No it's not ideal at all and can be very stressful to just ignore them but it's probably better than fighting with them day after day.
You are right and I don't
You are right and I don't think I can live with all this tension. Especially when it's a back and forth emotional roller coaster ride from hell.
Some days DH gets it and understands they hate me and that's why I have pulled back from them.. other days he is resentful and pissed about it and blames me for not trying..
Lol,, these are the most non self reliant 12 & 14 year olds on the planet. I think they freaking do it on purpose. My lord, just this spring I made sk12 start tying his own shoes.. and they both still need tucked in! Neither can get themselves up for school, pick out clothes and get out the door without someone having to put their foot in their ass.. and bedtimes? lol.. DH and I have to tell them every night the schedule and rules.. I have told DH this all needs to end - that they are too old for this nonsense.. they can tell time and know the expectations - if they can't follow it, then they should have consequences.. it's a work in progress to say the least.
Family dinners are rare because of their sports schedule and I am glad. I hated them.. sk12 was loud and talked over everyone. The skids also only talked to DH and each other.. never to me or my daughter.. and if she asked them something or tried to chirp in.. they acted like it was an inconvenience to acknowledge her.
I do go hide in my bedroom - but that has begun to piss me off. Why in the hell am I limited to my bedroom? I should be able to go get comfy on MY damn couch and watch a show without them around or coming into the room, right?
It's to the point where I'm questioning if any of this is worth it. Their presence is too prevalent, too demanding and they have too much control of every aspect of my life to just "pfft" them...
@wickedsm123 - I agree with
@wickedsm123 - I agree with SO much you are saying, can I ask how long you have been a stepmom? You really are well versed with this. Now if I could only talk so calmly to my husband! LOL I have gone through this and yelled at him to grow a pair and stop being a little girl! I know I was bullying him, wish I handled it better. At least in my situation it worked for me, but I really need to work on this bulling thing!
Girl I have been there!! I
Girl I have been there!! I completely sympathize with what you are going through. I lost my temper once though and told BM what I thought about her. Boy did it feel good. Until I got chewed out by my SO for "starting crap". Weird thing was..she was the one making moves on him and trying to get him back every week. She was the one filling SD head with nonsense about me. She was the one starting 98% of the drama and I got fed up. What normal person wouldn't?! I can't give you a concrete reason as to why us women put up with this stuff. I know for myself, I love my SO more than anything. But I'm starting to wonder myself if my mental health is worth the struggles this kid puts me through. Hang in there momma.