Background: My wife and i married 1-1/2 years ago, both in our mid 40s. I have 2 sons (11, 15), she has 1 son (19) and 1 daughter (21). Both hers are away at college most of the year. Mine live with us fulltime. The 15 yr old is developmentally disabled, down syndrome. My wife is still struggling with her kids needing her less (except for monetary donations)and seeing her less. Soon after we married, she was full force attemting to be themom my kids never had (their birth mom passed away 10 yrs ago), however they resisted some of the chnages she put in practice. I supported her decisions and saw some early benefits. She tries to treat them as her own, except that they are very different from her kids. She hadnt really modified her approach for the first year. Things were up and down, causing a lot of stress in our marriage. An episode ocurred 4 months ago with my 15 yr old (disabled son). She and he had a confrontation (not physical), but he wouldnt listen to her and swore at her and had a tantrum. Wife gave an ultimatum, get him under control, I dont feel safe with him. So I br1ought in a counseling team to do an assessment. No issues with my son. They taught my wife how to parent a Developmentally disabled child...the same things i had been tellingher for nearly 2 years. Nowhearing it from someone else, she "got it". In general, that realtionship has improved. There are still times when she forgets that he is still only a 5 yr old in his thought process, not the 15 yr old his body shows. The 11 yr old is really the bigger struggle. they just dont get along. She doesnt like him and sporadically tries to be his mom. She has largely given up on a relaship with him...and has told him the same.

OK...long background.....

Our marraige is poor at best. There are other issues involved, bu the disharmony with the relationship with my kids and her are a powder keg and the biggest issue. She feels as though she will nevere be accepted by the boys as a mom. Shes the cook, maid, taxi driver etc....Thats what she says. This is not the case with my 15 yr old, but may be with the 11 yr old. The 11 yr old is depressed and undergoing counseling...the situation at home certainly isnt helping him.

The question...
How do i get my wife to accept that she may not be wanted to be their mom, just maybe a friend or mentor? In the case of the 11 yr old, that may be all he can give right now. Understand, these boys have no memories of their birth mom, nor any experience with a mom being there day to day. Thd last 1-1/2 years have been all new to them. She thinkls they should have accepted her by now. She is not patient, but does deserve their respect. She doesnt always get it from the 11 yr old. Naturally, I am to blame for not making them love her....I am tired of being out in an unwinnable position....yelling at my kids, walkking on eggs shells when she is raging or upset. I would like to get into counseling with her, but she doesnt think that she has done anything wrong. I havent even begun to speak of her kids and how they largely ignore me. Im okay with it, because iknow they dont want a father...they need one, but dont want one. I can accept it, but she cant.

Advice?????