Step Daughter Struggles
So I've been with my partner for 3 years. He has one daughter who mostly lives with him, I have 3 (2 boys, 1 girl) who live with me.
We waited 18 months before we introduced the children and always kept in mind that his daughter is an only child, so I met his daughter first (without my kids) then they both met my kids together (So his daughter wouldn't feel left out that her dad already knew my kids).
Before we all moved in together his daughter (aged 7 at the time) had a habit of crying at bedtime most nights, mostly coming up with all sorts of excuses... tummy ache, school worries, not knowing why she is crying, the list goes on.
6 months ago we all moved in together the crying settled for a bit and things were great however, it didn't last long and today things seem worse and i feel I've caused huge issues.
My partner would sit with her every night until very late just talking to her but getting nowhere. Lately, I've sat with her on most occasions when she cries at night and I've had multiple responses... i don't know why I'm crying, (my daughter) makes noise when going to sleep, my brain tells me I'm going to cry and then i do. So just recently (I'm very much a tough love parent) i got a bit tougher with her and said 'Okay, you're going to make yourself really ill if you don't tell me what's really going on in that head i can't help you'. She seemed to spill it all out... I'm not used to sharing my dad, I'm not used to other people living in my house, i just want to spend time with my dad alone.
I felt relief that i could now help her. I reassured her that she has a very special bond with her dad and we will now prioritise alone time just for her and daddy. She seemed to be happy.
I have to add that she does absolutely adore me and i do her too. She's a very sensitive child and as a strong woman i really want to empower her as she hasn't experienced strong women in her life. Her dad hasn't introduced her to anybody else before me and although she was too young to remember her mum and dad together she only knows him to have been with her mum. Her mum has lots of issues and didn't see a lot of her up until she was 5, she has borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression. My step daughter has told me her mum has had multiple boyfriends all that have been introduced to her, her mum never plays with her and cries a lot, she takes pills because she cries. This shocked me that she knew all this. She used to call me mummy but her mum told her that she can't. I don't really have much to do with her mum as i leave it to my partner but i feel this was wrong as she is now having to watch her words and worrying if she says anything wrong that it'll upset her mum. I told her she can call me whatever feels comfortable.
She now spends more time at her mum's and cries at night time with us.
Although the crying started Before we moved in, I feel that me and my 3 children are ruining the bond her and her daddy have by moving in and i don't know where to go from here. I've tried my best to reassure her in lots of ways but I'm running out of options. I feel we now need to move out and it breaks my heart because i love our blended family, we have great fun together and are always out and about... it all just seems to come out at bedtimes.
Thank you for taking time to read this I hope somebody can help advise me xxx
Welcome to the site!
6 months is really a very short time to expect things to have settled in a blended family. Sometimes it takes 6 yrs and sometimes it never happens. Speaking as a grandmother and a bio mother myself, I feel you need to be kind with SD, but maybe you are both being a bit TOO kind - you have already arranged for her to have more time with just her Dad, which is fine. But this kicking off at bedtime needs to be kindly but very firmly shut down. If she cries, her father should just put his head round the door, reassure her, then LEAVE. Do not stay in the room chatting to her for hours, this is likely to reinforce the unwanted behaviour massively. What she does is just a learned behaviour that she has had lots of positive reinforcement for - too much. Now you need to extinguish it by the means I have suggested. Btw, love is very much not all you need. You need good solid boundaries and lots of them, in step life!
Do NOT give up!!!!!
Do NOT give up!!!!!
I second what KES said....it
I second what KES said....it might be time for a little tough, but gentle love. She will keep crying at night as long as you/DH go into her room and comfort her. Does she have a night light, a special stuffed animal and maybe a sound machine that plays ocean sounds, etc? Weighted blankets are supposed to comfort anxious kids too. Do everything you can to comfort her, but let her know she's a "big girl" now and needs to go to sleep. Stop going in the room. Reassure her from outside the door and then slowly stop that. It will take time, but you sound like a strong, dedicated stepmom and can do it.
I will tell you the number one reason blended families fail is because the kids sabatoge it (either willingly or unwillingly). Again, don't give up. Continue to nuture her (and your kids of course). Good luck!
Thank you so much
Thank you so much for all your replies.
The things is, i tell my partner that he needs to stop going in and chatting but he says he isn't the tough love kind, he wants her to know he's there for her. I will bring it up again and tell him this is reinforcing her behaviour, so thank you for that point.
She has a little blanket and teddy bear that she takes to bed since being a baby and wears her dad's tshirt too. As for night lights etc... she complains if my daughter has her night light on at the other side of the room.
Also, she constantly gets up if we don't go in to her crying. As i said, i have 3 children i brought up by myself and I didnt stand for this with any of them if they tried it so there are no problems with them at bedtime. Its hard to voice this though as i don't want to compare children and say I did it better than you as i realise we are all different at parenting.
I wouldn't call this tough
I wouldn't call this tough love, I would call this providing the firm but loving parenting she needs right now. She doesn't want to think that she's the boss - this is very upsetting to a young child - she wants to know and feel that her parents are in charge and know what's best.
Your DH thinks he's doing the
Your DH thinks he's doing the right thing by going into the room, but he's not. He's rewarding negative behavior. But us guys can be hard-headed
I was a single (again) Dad when my daughter was 1-1/2 and son was 4. My daughter wouldn't stay in her room at night (she was older at that time...maybe 4) and it took about a week of tough love. It was very hard for me to hear her crying, but I knew it had to be done.
Sounds like your DH needs to hear this from a guy. Maybe a friend, family member, etc can get the point across. Or Google and I'm sure he will see he's doing it wrong.
If she keeps that up.....I’d
If she keeps that up.....I’d do what I can to get her to stay with her mom as much as possible.
It’s a game that she is winning....having daddy come with her.
End it now. It doesn’t get better trust me.