SS10's BM
Ok, this might sound VERY harsh, but it's how I feel and I don't know why. I actually feel bad for feeling this way, but I need to vent so here it goes. I am a person that loves kids and basically can get along with everyone. I am the person who is always smiling and laughing. BM is one person I could NEVER get along with. You know when you have that person that just rubs you the wrong way from the start, well that was her.
First off, I don't like when parents use thier kids against other parents just to be vendictive and she was just one of the biggest phonies you could ever meet and she did that. She did mean things just to do them to me and my DH. She's lied on the court stand so many times, she's lied for years to my SS about my DH and me, she always pushed her BF to be my SS's dad so he would forget about my DH, she's talked so much crap, she's put fake restraining orders on my husband, she never let him see BS and she has made most of my time with my now DH a nightmare. Everything you could possibly think of it's on the list. She is one of thee only people I have ever HATED. She's the ya know, mother of the year......but aren't they all.
So here goes what I feel bad about:
She went out partying; drinking, pill popping and coke, and basically took too much and she killed herself. I feel so bad for my SS and his brother, I really do. What I don't have remorse for is her. I don't have any remorse for someone like that. She's done so much that now since my step son has been with us I can't even take him in fully. Like I said before, there is a wall there. I feel horrible that I have these feelings especially since he needs a woman to be there for him and he is now living with us and he's so young. But, I just can't accept him being there. I have tried over and over and it's not working and I am going crazy. I see his mom in him and he believes everything she's said. We are the bad people and he doesn't wanna live w/us. He hates my BD and has said it many times b/c she has been around all these years. His BM did this to him so why do I have to help fix it? I know b/c it's what i signed up for by marrying his dad, but it's too much for me. So while I know he is acting out and is sad and depressed all at the same time, I have these thoughts in my head.
-He's not my kid
-I've been through to much to try and fix her bad parenting
-It's like teaching a toddler all the things he already should know, but in reverse while trying to keep my daughter from being like him b/c it's what she sees now
-I actually can't even look at him sometimes b/c I don't wanna deal with what comes with it.
I feel horrible that I feel this way, but it's in my mind and I needed to say it and hear what you guys think. I am one step further than just a SM. So much pressure comes with being a Sparent. Now it's like for me it's more than being a Sparent, it's the pressure of being Sparent/mom. Not take the place of mom, but it's more the pressure of being mom b/c there is nobody else around.
I love my DH and that is what I keep thinking, but I get to the point that I want out.
first off **hugs** I can't
first off **hugs** I can't imagine what you must be going through.
It sounds like there were problems with your SS before BM killed herself, so it is totally understandable that you were not able to flip some magic switch when she died to make yourself "love" your SS and want to be his "new mother".
I think your SS must be going through some pretty big issues as well in that he probably feels guilty getting close to you at all, showing you respect, etc... In his mind, it would be the ultimate betrayal to his BM and the guilt must be amplified by about 10000000x given that she killed herself.
I would assume that SS (and probably you and hubby) are in counseling of some sort?
Are there any other options for his living arrangements (i.e Grandparents, Aunt, Uncle) where he could stay, even temporarily, if he is that unhappy with his father?
I can't imagine how difficult this must be for your family and I don't think you should feel guilty, you should feel normal, again you can't be expected to flip a magic switch.
There problems that occurred
There problems that occurred when she basically when she kept him away all these years and filled his head. As far as my SS and me, no problems there beforehand. When he came to live with us, it's like he teases my daughter and is mean to her, lies, and does so much stuff that it just makes me wanna run. I know part of it, like you said would be betrayal to BM, but you would think on the other side he would be mad at her to see that we are not these horrible people that she painted us out to be. Unless he does and he feels bad for that.
My DH is so happy that he is with us b/c he missed out on many years so it's like catching up for him and his turn to shine and help him out. Which I agree, but I can't get on the same page as him. For me, it's like fixing all kinds of a mess and trying to teach him to to not be mean, eat veggies, use manners, don't do this and don't do that and still have the same attitude about things as if it were first day he came. It's like there are so many reasons that he should be with us, but in my mind it's all those reasons are sometimes what I can't handle. I can't handle fixing someone that has been brain washed all these years and having to keep on doing it for the next so many years.
SS was in couseling until DH said he didn't have to go anymore. Bad choice I think, but he made it. As of right now this is my couseling. hehe. I haven't made it to the point of actually going. I looked into it, but didn't make the step.
I think it's going to take a
I think it's going to take a very long time for this child to even begin to heal. And I think he desperately needs to be in counseling.
I think you need to be patient with him and patient with yourself. All relationships take time...a stepmom/stepkid relationship is no different.
I think he is mean to your daughter because he knows that she has something he'll never have...she has her mommy. He doesn't. He may not even realize he feels that way, but I'll bet he does. He can't admit that his mother was wrong about you right now. He is still dealing with the reality of her death.
Be gentle with yourself and with him. Give him time to mourn the loss of him mother. He is still very young. He needs structure. He needs consistent loving discipline. More than anything else, I'll bet he needs security.
You are in a tough spot. You have to fight a ghost. It's easy for your stepson to remember the good things about his mother and to romanticize their life together. I think any attempt to show him that his mother was anything less than a wonderful, loving mother will fail.
My heart breaks for all of
My heart breaks for all of you having to go through this. I am sure it is a very confusing time for everyone. As hard as it is going to be, I think time and counseling for everyone will help you all begin to heal. Apparently BM was in her own private hell and took it out on all of you, then herself. SS is going to have a hard time sorting that out. Try to be patient with him and most importantly yourself as you have been thrown into a role you were not ready for. Hang in there and know people are praying for you. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. You are human. Acknowledge them and work towards being the person you want to be! The genuinely kind person (it sounds like you) are will shine through!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses and advice. I always try hard to take all of the above into consideration, but sometimes it gets hard and I need a reminder. I get torn btwn wanting to say "this is your kid you deal with it since you two made him like this." Then back to he is a little boy who just lost his mom and was now thrown into a whole new world. Then it switches too what a horrible, selfish person BM was to go and kill yourself and leave your sons w/out a mother. 1 of the 2, especially, in a situation you lied to and kept him out of for years and now we have to clean it up.
I am a person that if something is on my mind, it stays there until it's fixed and this is constantly there. I pray all the time for patience and understanding with this situation b/c the way I feel towards it is not me. I get to the point that it's like I don't even wanna go home and deal with it. It's like when I walk in the door it's always something.
I feel like I we were at the best point our relationship has ever been at before she did that b/c we were done dealing with her crap. Then BAMM, another thing comes up. It's like we can't even have a short period of time to be happy and just content w/out something else happening.