Sleeping at ex's house
Ok I'm new here, and I need some advice. In the 2 plus years that I have been dating "jon", he has never done anything like this. Or even hinted to wanting to... Ok, his kids live with their mom most days, visitation is every other weekend, his daughter had a dance recital this past saturday and he and I discussed him staying at a hotel. I wasn't invited, but thats a whole other issue. Anyhow, on Friday night I asked him when he was leaving, they live about 3 hours away, and then asked if he was planning on staying over or driving home, well the next question of course was did you reserve a room. I wasn't prepared for the next thing that came out of his mouth. He was staying at his ex's.
This bothered me on a multiple levels... I know there isn't any attraction between them, she even has a live in boyfriend. But I felt almost betrayed. First it wasn't discussed, when we normally seek input from the other on things. Second, he claimed not having time to talk with me about it, but found time to discuss it with a family friend. Third, he came home accusing me of not wanting him to be a successful parent by not approving of his sleeping there. Which of course I took offense to, I am very good to his kids. Always have been. I don't slam their mom, even if I don't agree with how she raises them. Its not my place, she is their mom, and my personal opionions of her are never shared. When she found out I was dating "jon", she went wacko, started calling my ex, involving her 5 year old son in things he had no business being in. She wouldn't even go to his hockey game because "jon" wanted me to come. I listened to I'm fat, I'm ugly and many other hurtful things from a 5 year old, knowing it all came from his mom. So I've gone through alot trying to be the bigger person. I've also listened to this woman tell her children that her new boyfriend is their real dad, not "jon".
Back to the point, this has caused an issue between "jon" and I. He doesn't see my point on this. Heck, I don't even know what my point even is exactly, I just know that it didn't feel right to me.
Whoa...that's all I have to say!
You do not need to have a "point"...if something feels askew, it probably is. I am newly living with my bf of 16 months and I told him that I didn't like the fact that when he dropped his son off at BM's house, she gave him a plate of food to take home for dinner. I didn't go wacko but simply explained that she didn't have to do that. He looked at it as "free food" but my viewpoint was totaly opposite...he listened and understood and there hasn't been food sent home since. I think that your bf may feel like it would be a waste to spend money on a room (point taken) but I dont' think he's appreciate it if the tables were turned.
I agree with Maggie
If something doesn't feel right, then there is a reason for it. My DH used to keep a key to BM house and would let himself in when he was out there. As I have said in previous posts he still fixes things at her house. But he sure wouldn't like me doing the same. Somehow he thinks that my situation is different from his. My DH felt so guilty about his kids being in that environment that he would run out there and sometimes stay overnight to protect them from the unknown. I put my foot down and basically told him it was over and he has been back home ever since. He knocks on the door now when he goes out - at least in front of me. I would almost say if this is to happen again you need to tell him you're going along as well but you would be extremely uncomfortable in that environment. I would say it anyway to see what he says. You could offer to pay for the room and see what he does.
I think it bothered me
I think it bothered me because my feelings on this weren't even considered. I really don't think there is an issue with them being involved, but it was just weird. These are two people who can't stand each other and he's sleeping there with his kids. He claims I don't understand why he did it, I told him to enlighten me. I over reacted and told him that maybe he should just move in with them, then he could see how the kids interact every day... Something about this just makes me feel like its a huge can of worms waiting to explode, and I wonder what could possibly be next. He is not a man who responds well to demands. His ex is very controlling. As far as me being welcome in her home, hell would need to freeze first. Just as I wouldn't want her in mine. He claimed I don't want them to have a positive relationship, and that I always want there to be turmoil between them. I don't know how to make him see my side of this without being told that I'm being too negative.
Exactly! What is it about
Exactly! What is it about having the ex's key and making himself in like he still lived there?! That's so annoying. My husband also fixes things at this ex's house, what I understand. He now, on my request, stopped going inside her house everytime he had to pick up the kids. But he still has the keys and I'm sure everytime I'm not with him he goes in there and sit down on the couch. why??? That's what I'd like to know...
He totally crossed the line....
Okay, I am a bit shocked at how nice we are all being about this. Your BF TOTALLY crossed the line! This is inappropriate on so many levels. This is not only complete disrespect for the relationship the two of you have, but it is confusing for the kids. They are thinking "Oh, daddy is staying at our house again! Does that mean mommy and daddy are back together?" These issues are tough enough for kids to understand without their parents blurring the lines this way. And yes, of course, you should have been consulted prior to him deciding to spend the night there. The fact that he didn't and made the decision without telling you, is indicative of the fact that he knows it is wrong. Otherwise, why would he have kept it from you. I would never tolerate this kind of behavior. LIke stepping said, draw the line in the sand now, if he doesn't respect it, that would be it for me.
Just my opinion.
I totally agree. I have been
I totally agree. I have been way too nice about many aspects of his completely screwed up priorities. Maybe I'm old school, but for me its always been god first, spouse second, then kids. Granted he isn't my spouse, but when I start analyzing these situations, I'm starting to wonder if I can honestly tolerate being in a committed relationship who puts everyones concerns, even the ex's, before mine. I'm just extremely pissed about this. And am venting on every little thing. I am so glad I found this site... I'm kinda tired of having my feelings ignored on any subject concerning his ex or kids. Its not like I even think she is a bad mom. These kids are always clean and dressed well. Which is more than I can say for him somedays. SORRY...venting again... I just think he is living in some sort of unrealistic fantasy that somehow they'll become one great big extended family. That on most days, doesn't concern or include me.
Well, you haven't made that final commitment....
yet. You have time to consider whether you want to be more trapped in this situation. Maybe he just needs A LOT more talking to come to terms with what is healthy for both of you and the kids in a blended family that truly functions well, and realistically. It took us nearly 4 years to get to that, and we were married with kids on the way by the time we drew the lines appropriately. But, had my DH ever spent the night at BM's without telling me, we would not be here now. That said, talk to him, a lot, about all of it, and don't even consider walking down the aisle until you feel you are being treated fairly and considered as an integral part in this new family.
Best of luck!
Similar Situation
I know exactly how you feel. Last year my STBH took care of the youngest SS at the EX's house. SS got sick at school and it was my STBH's turn to take off work and take care of him. Instead of bringing SS to our house, he took him to the EX's house and watched him there till she got home from work. I found out about it that evening, after it happened and was livid.
Logically I understood why, her house was closer to the school and it was her parenting time with the SKIDS, but in my gut it felt totally wrong. When I calmed down I told him how hurtful and disrespectful it was to me that he took care of SS at her house. I told him that if he valued our relationship he would never do that again. I told him that his watching the SKIDS at her place made me feel like he'd rather be with her than me, and actions speak louder than words.
I also told him that I felt it was confusing for the SKIDS when he stayed there, it sent a signal that maybe mom and dad would get back together. Again, actions speak louder than words.
Since that incident he has not watched the SKIDS at her place. Even though she has brought it up a couple of times. I'm proud of him for that. He has told her that he'd be happy to take the SKIDS if she needs help but he will pick them up and bring them home to our place.
Update
Well last night didn't go over so well...Basically he informed me that he heard me, but still doesn't see why it matters. And once again informed me of the things he learned. I really think I need to take lcooper's advice and take a long hard look at this relationship. And not just concerning being a step parent. I think there is more going on than is being said at this point. I'm preparing myself for the worst. And who knows maybe its for the best. After reading the horror stories on this site, it sure doesn't seem to get better. Esp if the person your involved with can't put you first.
I would suggest looking at this real hard!
He hears you...but doesn't want to understand your view. Why? Because he isn't placing value in your opinion. Take it from someone who is continuously undervalued by her own husband, you do NOT want to come in second place to an ex-wife. He purposely kept you in the dark about staying at his ex-wifes' house, which is betrayal.
It's all about respect, and if he can't respect boundaries you establish, then you will have a hard time being with this person long term.
I really hope he comes around....
Bests,
Candice
Just so you know....
if my husband stayed at his ex's house overnight...when he got home, his things would be waiting for him on the porch and for some strange reason, his key wouldn't fit in the front door anymore.
That's just me.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
CG
I just read this one- YOU crack me up!
I am hopeful you won't mind me quoting you some in this play I'm working on. Maybe you and I should write one together!
Peace, love, and red wine
I love that....
you would quote some of my insignificant rantings...
I ABSOLUTELY love the idea of writing a play together. As long as the SM prevails in the end!!!!
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Why cant he just get a hotel
Why cant he just get a hotel room??? maybe even have the skids stay w/him at the hotel.. and bring swimsuits for the kids to go swimming in the indoor pool (being hopeful.. i know).. tell him to make it about him spending time w/his kids.. and his kids only.. that it could be a mini getaway for him and the kids.. That way he isnt staying w/the ex.. and his time there is JUST w/the kids.
he is making you feel uncomfortable
Some would be ok with him sleeping over at his ex's, some would not. He is dating you,and you don't feel comfortable, end of story.He should respect that.
You can point out that you can support him being a "successful parent" without him making you feel disrespected.
Perhaps you should go visit a friend in a city where you ahve an ex and stay at the ex's house, would that make him comfortable while you were just trying to be a successful friend?
WHOA!!!
Wow... First off, if he cares about you at all, he will respect your feelings. My skids live 2hrs away and if my SO EVER hinted at staying at the house I would flip.... (I posted something similar today along this subject). Not only does it leave the door open for something to happen, it can cause the kids to be confused. Daddy doesn't live there, so daddy shouldn't be staying there...bottom line. If I were him, they should come up with some type of agreement where she meets him half way, like at a rest stop or something. If that is not possible, then it looks like it's going to be a long drive. He has no right to ignore your feelings and you need to re-evaluate your relationship. You have to stop and think about yourself sometimes and remember that this situation could never change. If that is something that you fear you can't handle, then it's time for the 2 of you to seriously sit down and get all the feelings out in the open. Good luck girl!!!
I would be OUTRAGED
That is totally out of line. But it sounds like something my significant other would have done a year or 2 ago.
At one point my live-in significant other of 3.5 years planned on taking his ex wife and 5 year old daughter on a vacation to Disney, just the 3 of them. He dropped the news on me one day shortly after we moved in together, telling me that they planned it since she was a baby, and he expected me to be ok with the idea and stay home while they took the trip.
That's when World War 3 started. There's NO WAY I was going to put up with that kind of treatment. He tells me now that I'm right, but it still drives me nuts to think that at some point she talked him into that and he agreed to it. It is SO disrespectful and wrong on so many levels. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.
he's in the wrong
I've never been in this situation...but, I've had something similar. We were dating for about four/five years. My now DH spent the night at my house. The next morning, he said he had to leave to go to SD's sixth birthday. Then, I learned that he brought his best friend and his best friend's girlfriend. I was pissed...and he left. He later explained that he didn't want to get crap from BM's side of the family.
Then, THAT SAME NIGHT, SD's appendix burst. He didn't call me. I couldn't get a hold of him. I called his house the next morning. His mom told me he went to the hospital last night. He spent three days in the hospital, with BM, DH's sister, and BM's family. I went crazy. I wasn't invited to the party..then shafted on the forthcoming events. I WAS GOING TO LEAVE HIM. I would of left him...except for the fact that we already had a prepaid cruise booked. If we didn't go, we would of each wasted about a 1000 dollars. So, we went...and if it weren't for that cruise - he would of been history.
Fast forward to today - BM went whacko when she found out we moved in together. He dind't have visitation until we moved in together (she took him to court and wnated no visitation and all this other crap). I was excluded again (mediation, decision making, etc.).
So..........my advice to you...is that this may be a taste of what's to come. He's already ignoring your feelings and wishes. You weren't even invited to the recital!! wtf!??!?! So, I would consider your event the same event as my DH ditching me for SD's bday and her appendix issue. At that time, I was four/five years in. By the time we moved in together, I was seven years in...if I knew now back then...it would of saved me a lot of daily heartache and stress. The good outweighs the bad...but sometimes, I really wonder how carefree my life and sanity would be without having to deal with the ex and kid. So....if you can do it....run away...run FAR FAR away - for your future health.
The only reason why I stuck it out is because the ONLY time we fight is when it's about BM and SD..but even then...it's been a rough rough road. He proposed to me the same year we moved in together to salvage our relationship. It's a constant struggle and work in progress..but I made my decision. If you bow out now, you increase the chance of finding happiness and the undivided love and attention every significant other should have...but it's hard if not impossible to have that when there's a kid and ex lurking in the background.
Every Friggin Week
Every week my hubby visits his kids at his exwifes house...(they are ages 15, 16 and 21.) Every week I have a few glasses of wine until he gets home.
I trust my hubby 100% BUT it's still makes me uneasy. He shouldn't be there.
(It's like that for logistic reasons: We live 2 hours away from them in another state. But, he still works in their state and its only 40 minutes from them.) He misses his kids terribly so he has to go once a week and watch TV with them.
In the summer, I begged him to take them out....to stop hanging out in the house...(he even did his taxes on the exes computer the one year --- I FREAKED but that's another story.) Winter the kids don't want to go out so I said okay..I"m fine with it..But between us gals I'm really not...I hate the idea of him being here without me!
I'd say RUN FAR AWAY to anyone who asked me also...My husband told me when we got engaged that things would be different after we were married..I thought he was talking about his visitation schedule...
I was wrong. Good luck.
And to anonymous: my hubby DID do the Disney trip with the ex and kids...they stayed at different hotels though..and the kids were 12, 13 and 18! AGH!!!! My hubby actually went to hang out with the kids while the ex was also there on business during the day...I thought they didn't hang out together at night at all til the one kid spilled the beans...they did dinner together, went to the parks together...Had I known that I NEVER would have agreed to go to Disney with the kids for OUR HONEYMOON a year and half ago...
ALWAYS TRY TO GET THE FULL STORY LADIES.. I am so sick of half truths!
PS I am still trying to pay that trip off...
Bonus, that sucks!
But you know we're both in the same boat. I finally got DH to change his ways. It took me setting up a counseling session last week on my own though. Before I went, I had DH give me his password to his cell account and I printed off a listing for one month. I also told this lady about the trips he made to BM's house to fix things, the e-mails to her, the Christmas thing where he left me home alone this year to work on that building at BM's, him staying the night out there last year etc... My counselor took one look at it and just told me what I already knew - "it just depends on how much crap you're willing to put up with" "what is your breaking point?" As soon as I got home he was asking about my appt. I told him exactly what the lady said and the next night told him I was fed up and told him to pack his stuff and get out after he had went back to BM's house earlier that night. Little did I know he went out there to talk to BM and skids about my feelings regarding the situation. He told them he was going to honor my feelings and informed BM he would contact the kids from now on, not her. He then told me I was the one he wanted to be with and that if it wasn't for him getting himself involved in that building we wouldn't be in this mess. In the past week, he has not called her or anything else. He is calling his kids. Yippee!!
Oh crimeney
Yes, if you can save yourself your health, mental and physical, look twice at this relationship.
I agree with CG. All of his
I agree with CG. All of his crap would be outside, the key not fit in the lock and a copy of a complaint for divorce. I would have to do all that just to keep me from not just taking a frying pan to his head.. a CAST IRON frying pan!
"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."
-Joshua J. Marine
tread lightly
I hope he sticks to his guns! I love the frying pan comment!! I feel that way when BF gets into the middle of an arguement b/w his BS and the BM. Why is he taking their calls?? It is b/w them why does he have to try and fix it?? he couldnt do it when they were married his excuse..they both are stubborn(whatever!!)...fortunately he has not planned to stay at her house or anything like that but if he did it would be a BIG friggin problem. And confusing for everyone involved.
Update
I haven't been on for a while, due to work, etc. But here is a little update... On Sunday after church we were having lunch. It was a kids weekend. We were discussing my acct exec and the fact that she lives in the same town as his ex. And he just says, I won't be staying at their house anymore. Lets just say I almost fell over... I wanted to ask a million questions, but thought better of it. We haven't discussed this since it happened. He shared that his son asked him when will you come stay with me again daddy, and he said he won't be doing it again. I think I jumped for joy inside!!! I looked up and said "thank you" and left it at that. The nosey woman that I am would love to know the "why" behind his decision. But after this week, I'll let it go. He scored HUGE with me this week. I had to go to Minneapolis for work this week. He stayed at my house with my 14 year old son. Hauled him to and fro for pep band, etc. Fed him. Played video games with him. He even met me for dinner last night on my drive home. And being that he was on his way out of town for the weekend to hunt with the boys, and still made time for me was a plus. I also came home to a clean house. Not perfect, but clean. I even think there was some male bonding going on while I was away. My son called during dinner, and "jon" was concerned if he missed him... he he he. I was very encouraged by his behavior. I'm not sure what has gotten into him, but I'll take it. It was nice to see the action behind his words...
2 months later....
LADIES.... I FINALLY WALKED AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP. It feels good to be myself again. Thanks for all your insight and advice. After he asked me to stay at the coffee shop while he picked up his kids one morning, so his ex didn't see me, oh and the fact that she didn't even know we were seeing each other. I WOKE UP!! I finally realized it was never going to change. NO MORE DOORMAT, and it feels great. I will never be a mans dirty little secret. No way in hell was I waiting at a coffee shop. Not for him, not for any man.
Good for you!
You absolutely did the right thing.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
good for you
stay with us and keep us updated!
we should all have the strength to say I will not be your doormat anymore!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Congratulations on your freedom
From being in second place
Peace, love, and red wine
Staying strong
Its been an interesting few months... He still sits by me in church... and we talk occasionally. I have to share this... he is going back to school... psychology... he wants to be a counselor. The day he shared that with me I almost choked on my lunch... and thankfully, he admitted that he probably shouldn't be a couples counselor. Really...you just have to laugh. Anyhow, things are looking up... I have met someone new. And am trying to look at my past relationship as a learning experience. I'm taking things slow...its amazing how a screwed up relationship changes how you look at things... And like my Daddy says... this one's got to be a prince, the last two have been toads.
Good advice...
from Daddy.
I'm happy for you. Does this new man have an ex-wife or kids?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley