SD doesn't want to live with us
Where to start? I met my husband nine years ago. Together we have three kids; my SD (16), BS (15) and BD (12). We have 50/50 custody of all of the kids. My SD recently decided she doesn't want to live with us but doesn't know why. I've confronted her about what issue she has with me or the kids and she says she she has no problem with us.
She informed her dad that she didn't want to live with us after I laid into her after my husband left my BS at school ( the two older kids go to the same hs) because he thought he was being a jerk. My SD walked past my son and didn't say a word to him and told her dad they saw each other. My son hadn't seen her and his phone was dead so he wasn't getting the texts that my husband was there to pick them up. My BS had been complaining that they had to wait for my SD to get to the car to leave (she would take up to 25 minutes after my husband texted the kids). My BS is a great kid who wouldn't ignore my husband to be a jerk, he might think about it but he would never do it. I have been doing my best to teach him to not be passive/aggressive just because my SO and SD are.
Well I called to get her side of what happened and she told me that she didn't know if he had seen her (even though her dad told me she said they did). I laid into her on the phone about not saying anything to my BS when she walked past him or tell her dad she would go get him. I was not nice, I pretty much let out my pent up frustrations I've had with her in the last few years. Besides cursing at her, I told her she isn't on an island and everyone has to come to her. I told her we were going to talk when I got home and she went to her BM to avoid the problem. When I did see her, I apologized for talking to her they I did because it was wrong and I shouldn't have talked to her that way but that I was frustrated. (Her dad and I also had it out so she wasn't the only one that I laid into that day)
You need to know that, in my SO eyes, she does nothing wrong. He seems to be afraid to make her upset and whenever I tell him what I see she is doing (e.g. crying to get out of trouble) he can't see it. When he tells me what he sees in my children, while it might tick me off, I look to see if there is any truth to what he says and deal with it. All three of our children are polite and respectful and we get compliments from strangers on how well behaved they are. At home, my SD is rude to my BD or just ignores her. A few years ago, she started staying in her room with the door closed. Whenever I talked to my husband about my concern, he just gave me the 'she's a teenager' line. She has a computer and iphone that is never checked by either of her BPs, something I also disagree with. Who knows what she does in her room and on her computer...
She has been allowed to live with her BM and doesn't come over. Her dad sees her because he drives her where and whenever she needs a ride. She has WAY TOO MUCH control! Not only about where she lives, but last summer she didn't stay at our house for even one night. At the end of the summer, she told her dad that she didn't like the rules I had for the summer (ready for the day by 10 am, go outside for a day, etc.). Instead of seeing her being manipulative, he felt bad that she felt that way and thought that the rules from the summer before shouldn't necessarily apply to all of them (age should be considered).
I love my husband and think he is the greatest guy but it bothers me how my SD is treated like a little adult. The only thing we fight about is the kids, mostly about his BD. My SD and I used to get along great until she was 12 or 13, and then things changed.
While I know we are two families that came together, I have tried to create a family as much as possible. Our wedding anniversary is called our famiversary because it's the day we became one family.
Has anyone gone through this? If so, what did you do? How are things now? I never knew being a SM was going to be so hard!
Oh, and all of the kids have been to counseling so that has been tried already.
Why yell at your SD because
Why yell at your SD because your DH is an asshole? :? If I was your SD and had a choice I would not want to live with you either.
Reset, rip your DH's head off, and point your ire in the right direction.
Though I am sure there are things that SD has done that pissed you off in the past this is fresh in her mind. I agree that there needs to be rules in the home but ... I also agree that a 16yo should have more responsibilities and privileges than younger kids.
I wish I had a specific suggestion for how to address this but .... the only advice that comes to mind is that you are going to have to moderate your perspective a bit, synch with DH to develop a workable agreement for how to parent SD-16 and include her in your home, and for DH to force his visitation or custody whether SD-16 wants to visit or not.
I did lay into my DH. Things
I did lay into my DH. Things have been brewing with my SD16 for years and what happened just sent me over the edge. I am not proud of how I treated my SD but I'm tired of her treating me like crap and an unwanted guest in my own home. DH doesn't see things the same way as I do. He also thinks that she should have no responsibilities because she is older while he is expecting my BD11 to do all of the chores. When it comes to his daughter, I have no say. Anytime I speak out, he gives me excuses. He is a great guy expect when we are talking about my SD.
"But he/she is only a kid ...
"But he/she is only a kid ... what do you want me to do about it?" I completely understand how infuriating the excuses are. Most if not all Sparents are smacked in the face by the excuses.
Stick to your guns.
Take care of yourself.
This is the only time I have
This is the only time I have lost it with her. My BS is one year younger so I'm not sure how I can be tailoring the rules for my BK but maybe I am. Thanks for your insight!
My SO can't not drop
My SO can't not drop everything and run when she calls, but I would probably do the same thing. Thanks for your thoughts.
I can't offer very much
I can't offer very much advice as far as what you can do about your SD 16. In my experience, they will take the path of least resistance, and if there is a birth mom who is welcoming her to stay at her home full-time, you don't stand a chance.
I have been through a very similar situation. I believe that the real problem here, as I have only just discovered recently in my own relationship, is between you and your husband. He is setting a different set of standards for his daughter than he has for your children. This can only cause resentment and strife between the two of you. Do what you can to slowly bring the conversations around pointing out these differences; it may take a while to point out where he is being a hypocrite, and you will need to do so with tact to prevent any serious arguments.
I especially empathize with you on your statement about his criticisms of your children, and how you take those to heart and try to see what is true. I went through the same thing. At moments when you were both calm, try to point out where he might be missing this. You may be able to slowly demonstrate to him the error of his thinking.
I wish you the best!!
I can't see where you're
I can't see where you're reading about unfair rules for the SD?? The kids are almost the same ages - and teaching respect for the family shouldn't be different between kids, or parents, no matter their ages.
They were his rules, too
They were his rules, too until she said she didn't like them...
Thanks, for the advice. I
Thanks, for the advice. I have tried to talk with him but he just can't hear me. We were getting a new car and were deciding if we should keep the other car or have it for when my SD gets her license. I wanted to put limitations on the use of the car and he got mad and told me he is tired of me being jealous of my SD. None of our rules apply to her...
You are right! Thanks for the
You are right! Thanks for the honesty.
Telling you you're jealous of
Telling you you're jealous of your SD is the typical Disney Dad Defense.
You're making sense. You feel there should be some boundaries, standards and rules attached to the vehicle she'll use. These are probably the same rules you'd want for your own bios.
Sell the car. You and your H will never agree on this, or he'll agree and like the other rules for all of he kids in the house, he'll break them for SD.
You have a super huge Disney Dad issue going on right now.
Personally, after walking this walk, your H has two choices. He can either be your husband and partner and a better father to his kid or he can choose a lonely life where his daughter is leading him around by the nose.
Not to be blunt, but clearly
Not to be blunt, but clearly you don't like her being there, and now you have confirmation that she Isn't Going to be there, so you should be happy that she isn't going to be in your house any more and move on.
Welp, all things considered,
Welp, all things considered, her kids are her responsibility. That's what disengaging is, which we know is survival for any step.
Wow! I can't believe I didn't
Wow! I can't believe I didn't see what some of you are saying, that I shouldn't expect my rules to apply to her. I guess I was just trying to make it feel like a family. We have been together for so long and just assumed that is what blended families are. Boy, was I wrong! I don't blame her for leaving, I would have too. Now I just have to do my best to change my thinking...
Thanks everybody.
We all have hiccoughs with
We all have hiccoughs with our blended family activities upon occasion. Don't sweat it. Give SD-16 a call, see if she is amenable to a lunch with you so you can see about putting things back on a somewhat even keel.
Good luck.
Take care of yourself.
Just to clarify, my DH and I
Just to clarify, my DH and I talk about, and agree on, expectations/rules. I don't just come up with them on my own. Rules like keeping your door open, help around the house, etc. are what I think all of the kids should do. When it comes to bedtime, my BD12 is the only one with one. Our kids would spend all day in the house so I don't think expecting them to go outside for an hour is such a bad thing (they can use their electronics outside).
Let her go but make something
Let her go but make something clear to your H before that happens.
No back and forth. This is a permanent move for her.
I'm assuming by your rules, you meant your rules for your own bios that you felt your SD should follow. Which is reasonable but sadly doesn't work that way.
Let her go. Disengage from the situation. Concentrate on your own bios.
Regarding your H treating your SD like an adult. That won't work and will ultimately destroy your relationship with him. There can only be on adult woman in the home. Your H needs to figure out if he wants his wife and partner by his side, or if he's going to choose running after his daughter and cleaning up her messes for the rest of his life.
Hopefully it will be the former. If he chooses the latter, then I suggest you get an exit strategy going.
Your opinions are so damn
Your opinions are so damn cute.
Dtzy - we just basically said
Dtzy - we just basically said the same thing in two different ways.
OP - Correct me if I'm wrong
OP - Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you and your H sat down and outlined some basic house rules for all the kids to follow. Probably they've been answering to you both all along. Enter snarky teenage girl attitude and now your H is refusing to hold her to the rules.
And I get it, I did the same thing too. The attitude was getting worse, your H wasn't dealing with and you naturally felt the need to step in and redefine the boundaries and he didn't back you up. You probably have tried to discuss this with your H several times and he's shut you down and used the "you hate my kid" or "you're jealous of my kid" card. So now your SD is threatening to go live with BM in order to manipulate your H into complacency. And it's all your fault because you stepped in and treated her like you do your own kids.
Others on here can call it overstepping if they like. I'm willing to bet the standard in your home, until recently, was you and your H shared parenting of all kids if necessary. It's easy to blame the SM in these cases because we are normally the ones trying to find balance in our homes. You tried to hold the boundaries but you didn't have the support to ensure those boundaries would be held.
The problem here is not your SD but your H. He is allowing a 16 year old girl to call the shots in his home. He is treating his wife and partner with complete and utter disrespect by refusing to stand by your side so the two of you can present a united front. He is creating a divisive atmosphere in the home with his us against them attitude.
My advise? Disengage. Sell the car because it is going to create more problems than it will solve. Anything to do with your SD (that doesn't concern you, your bios or your personal property), let your H deal with it. Tell your H you will do as he's asked, and will no longer step in where she is concerned and your expectation is he will handle all things SD. Likewise, you would appreciate the same courtesy with respect to your bios.
And personally, if I were in your shoes, I would stop doing for her and she can do for herself or daddy can deal with it. SD needs a ride? Call dad. SD needs a pair of shoes? Dad can take you to the mall. SD needs X, Y and Z? Call Dad.
Sit your bios down and explain regardless of what is going on with SD, your expectation of them is the same as always and you will not tolerate any disrespect towards H or SD.
You cannot control your SD and you cannot control how your H reacts to her bullshit and manipulation.
You can control your own reactions and your own kids (to a point...they are teenagers :)).
I have been in your shoes regarding a teenage SD and a Disney Dad I(however I have no bios, so that aspect made my disengagement easier). It sucks and the best thing you can do for yourself and your bios is to disengage. You tried to blended family, all are equal thing and it didn't work.
I'm truly sorry you're going through this right now. It's disappointing when the people who are supposed to love, protect and support us have their idiot heads up their idiot asses.