Rules should apply for everyone
My fiance and I have been together 1.5 years. My daughter is 8 and lives with us while we only get his children 3 &5 every other weekend. I am a much more strict parent than he is. His children follow no rules while here. The main thing I have said is no climbing and sliding down they stairs. They end up doing this every time they are with us and look dead at him while doing it. Sometimes he tells them to get off, sometimes he's too busy in his phone to care. My daughter can do one thing wrong and he acts like the world is falling apart, but they can't listen at all. As bad as running toward cars coming in the parking lot. I understand kids will be kids but when it comes to safety that's completely different in my book. My daughter still stops to wait on me everywhere we go because she knows the danger and had never ran away from me like that even when a toddler. I feel like he resents my daughter. They argue like brother and sister sometimes. He picks at her all the time and it makes her upset. My fiance thinks his kids will grow out of this and listen better when they are older. What he refuses to understand is that kids don't get better with age, they get better with rules and structure and consequences. I'm not sure I can marry someone with completely different parenting views. It seems to me they have no structure at their BMs house and expect it to remain the same here. The constant screaming and running and yelling is all I can take. My daughter was never like that growing up. I don't know how much more I can take. Any family outings are nothing but stress because I have to keep constant eyes on them all the time because they run off. Advice, thoughts, opinions please!
Live apart, for your own sake
Live apart, for your own sake and your daughter's sake. Or, maybe this just isn't the man for you.
I think it would be very
I think it would be very difficult to live in a situation where the children were treated differently and some were expected to follow rules and others could ignore the rules and run wild. Putting aside how trying it would be to live with children who don't listen or behave, seeing your fiance discipline your daughter while ignoring the same behavior in his own children could definitely lead to a LOT of resentment. I would think your daughter will not be comfortable in her own home if your fiance is constantly picking on her, too.
Another thing you mentioned caught my notice - you said your fiance and your daughter argue like brother and sister. That seems inappropriate. I'm thinking either she is not being respectful to him or he is taking such ridiculous positions with her that it doesn't bother you that she argues with him. If my SO's kids were bickering with me he would shut that down immediately. In our house, young children do not argue with or back talk adults.
Maybe you and your fiance could do some counseling or parenting classes to try to get yourselves on the same page where parenting the kids is concerned. If you can't get on the same page, I think you are just going to end up frustrated and resentful. I would definitely NOT marry this man until you have this resolved.
Yes I agree that you should
Yes I agree that you should not marry him until things are resolved. Pay attention to how you’re feeling about the situation.
Why would you stay with a man
who resents your daughter and picks on her all the time? Why would you want her to live in that kind of an environment?
ndc said it best
I second what ndc said! Cousling can be very helpful if you are looking to save this relationship. If the parenting issues are not resolved, then it will only get worse. I would maybe sit down together, make a list of all the rules of the house and how they will be enforced. That way you guys have an agreement that can be followed accordingly by every child in the house. It may be that you guys see things differently and understanding the other may help make sense of what is going on currently.
I hope that you figure out what is best not only for you but the children. No matter if that's staying together and working it out, moving out, or breaking up. Everyone deserves happiness and if this is impacting your ability to have that, it may not be what's best for you.
Standards of reasonable
Standards of reasonable behvior should apply to all children in the home in an age appropriate manner. PERIOD!
If your DH does not like how you parent and discipline then he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can bite his tongue and have your back. His choice. But regardless of what he chooses the rules will be enforced and escalating age appropriate consequences will be applied.
IMHO of course.