Please help with some advice needed
Forums:
Hi,
This is my situation. I am married, and living 10 yo SS.
with us. Married 18 months
I am frustrated as my wife always takes the side of the SS no matter what the situation.
The SS has made some comments to the wife about me so that he can get attention, or some other reward. I know these comments are false but I cannot understand why the wife automatically believes him and will not even listen to my side of the story.
This is leading to uncomfortable situations and the SS using this "unquestioned belief" to his advantage. These situations are becoming more frequent.
I am at my wits end trying to make her understand whats going on. She should know that I am not like that as a person.
HELP!!!!!!!
Sit her down and talk about
Sit her down and talk about it. Don't let it fester to the point you start to resent ss. Explain how it makes you feel when she seems to believe ss over you and decide together what your parenting style will be. He might just be testing the waters to see how far he can push you out of her life.
I think the one thing I told my dh that made the difference was this.... Honey, they're kids who'll grow up and move on and find their own lives someday. I'm here now and forever and in order for our life to be happy we need to keep each other first and deal with kids second.
So far so good.
hi sixteensmon. Thanks for
hi sixteensmon. Thanks for advice. I will try again to talk. The thing about us first and kids second rings true with me. Hope it strikes a chord with her. How can I talk to someone who refuse to hear my side of the story or how I feel about it. Her reply is always "why would he lie and how would I make him feel if I questioned what he says to me". My wife always says that her kids will always come first. Makes me feel like I am always going to be second at best.
Excellent advice from
Excellent advice from sixteensmom! You need to have a talk with her, try to do it in such a way as to not make her get all defensive or you'll get no where. At some point, she (and the skid) need to understand that you are an adult and parental figure in this relationship, and need to be treated as such.
Thanks ThatGirl for your
Thanks ThatGirl for your reply.
Thats the problem. She is defensive as soon as I say "Can We Talk?"
The parental figure is also a factor. She has said to SS and myself that I have no rights in any form of parental input for SS.
It has to be all one sided. Great when SS is rewarded for good behaviour but watch out when I pull him up for inappropriate behaviour. Funny its not "What I say or the way I say it, its the tone I use".
I really do feel like I am and always play second fiddle to SS unless something changes.
"Why would he lie". Well
"Why would he lie". Well honey I don't know but I'd like to get to the bottom of it and have it stop. He probably lies about me because he's jealous or afraid you're going to love him less. Honey I think we need to explain to ss that you don't love him less now that I'm here but you do love me and we are married now. It's important that ss understands now that you're going to be on my side of these situations.
"how would it make him feel?". Well honey how do you think it makes me feel? It makes me feel used and manipulated and second to you. I think explaining to your son that you aren't going to listen to his lies will teach him to be honest and fair and will show him you are the parent. He needs to know he can't get away with these stories. If he does, think what kind of stories you'll believe when he's thirteen or sixteen and there are drugs or beer or girl issues. It makes me uncomfortable in my own home and I'm not going to stand for this.
My DH told me his son doesn't
My DH told me his son doesn't lie also but he found out different. I just let it go even though I looked like the liar and it really hurt my feelings but I kept my eyes and ears open and then sure enough DH found out who was lying, his son.