New to the forum and advice needed PLEASE
I am new to this forum and I am so glad that I found it today. I need some advice from some other step parents on how to handle this issue.
My situation I think is fairly unique. I am not divorced yet, just separated from my husband of 9 years. We were a blended family. He brought with him 3 boys, and had custody of their sister (he was kind of a step parent to her as she is the 1/2 sister of the boys.) I had a daughter, then we had a son together. The son in common has medical problems, but all others are healthy.
Since marrying my husband, I quit my job working for the county and put my own career on hold to take care of 6 children. I became a stay at home mother and have taken care of all of the children basically on my own as my husband worked out of town 5 to 6 days each week the entire time we were together.
So last year my husband decides that he doesn't want to be a husband or a father anymore so he leaves. He left all of the kids with me. After a month or so, and after reading several articles online, I was under the impression that step parents had no rights so I sent the 4 children that he brought with him, in to live with him. While they were there for only 2 weeks I began to see that he does not know how to parent and actually was putting the kids into bad situations, so I took them back into my home where they have been ever since.
My ex was fine with me having the kids, as long as I did not try to actually get custody of them. As long as he could control everything, I could have them forever, but I was not going to accept that. I filed a petition to intervene then custody and I was granted residential custody of my 4 stepchildren. Since then, my ex has refused ALL contact with any of the children. (I think he is a control freak who if he can't have it his way, he wants nothing to do with the kids which is sad.)
That mess is all over with and not even an issue any longer, the issue is something that should be so much simpler in my mind, but I cannot work through it emotionally so I need some advice.
The 4 step children have a BM of course. She is now getting visits with the children and is paying a total of $50 each month to support all 4 of them. My EX is the BF of 3 of them, plus the one we have in common. He is paying $50 a month to support all 4 of them. My SD who has the same BM of the boys, also has a BF of her own that pays support as well. He pays $600 a month but has no contact with her at all.
The BM has been spending money on her 4 kids and buying them clothes and other things while she has them on her visits. She says that she would like to buy things for my two kids as well, but my step children do not think that she should be spending money on my kids so she hasn't. My biological kids are really getting shafted however because I do for all 6 of them equally, so now I feel that I cannot go out and just buy anything for my two because the other 4 will feel slighted. How fair is that for them?
After my ex left, I filed for state cash assistance and food stamps. My son receives SSI for his condition and my SD receives child support. So all in all, we are not destitute but do struggle. So my question is this? My SD feels that she is entitled to the child support money payed by her BF. She feels that she should be handed things like cars, jewelry, and other non necessities because her father pays child support, and the rest of the parents do not pay enough to do anything with. My feelings on this are leaning toward the unfairness of the situation. Her BF didn't pay child support for most of the 9 years that I raised this child. I have always raised all of the children and treated them equally, so how can I now turn around and say "since your dad pays, you can have a car," then to one of the other 5 kids in the house say to them "since your dad doesn't pay, you can't." To me it is like saying "you are not as worthy of a car because your dad doesn't pay" and I don't believe any of the kids are better or more deserving of anything then the next child.
At this point in my life, I am tired of being poor. I am tired of letting all of these other parents walk all over me and pay mince meat money to support their flesh and blood, but they cannot legally, physically or emotionally take care of their own kids, so I am stuck. I have been considering going back out into the workforce and making my own money again but with 6 kids and no physical help I don't know if that is the best thing to do either because the kids are pretty messed up emotionally because of the abandonment of their father.
So my question is three fold. 1. What should I do or say about the child support being paid to my SD? and 2. How do I make it fair or live with doing more for my two than I do for the rest? 3. Should I be pressuring myself to go back into the workforce so that I can less rely on government assistance to support my step children?
All in all, you are a great
All in all, you are a great person to take all of the kids that aren't yours in. I'm sorry your getting the shaft in certain aspects of things. It's horrible feeling like your stuck sometimes. You are right, step parents do barely have rights and sometimes sparents do more for the kids then the bio's do. I would suggest to the BM and the BD that you need more money and it's not working how it is now. Either they can give you some more money or take their kids back and deal with them. You took all this responsibilty on and I know you said the BM helps with buying them things, but sometimes more is needed.
For your SD, I would kind of break it down to her that even though he pays more you guys are all a family and you all work together. If she wants the car and other things, I would say if you could work it out somehow, to actually meet her part way on some things and see if he dad will meet her on the other half. But, she also needs to get a job. If she's old enough now. So while he does give you that much money, you still take care of her and the money is being used. Even though some of it is going to the other kids too, it's a family effort and she might feel shorted, but just talk to her and tell her that is how you all stay above water. She sounds like she is old enough to understand things. But, I would also meet her part way with some things. Not a ton, but maybe something that stands out, like the car. Tell her if she gets a job, you will buy her plate and sticker. Or maybe BD can go in half way. It's hard trying to get a kid to realize why things are like they are and you can't have everything.
How does she know how much is given by each person? That is one of the things that should've been avoided. The financial part should've been kept a secret just b/c your in a special situation and it is hard explain different things.
Your in a tough spot and I wish you luck. Your doing the right thing and things will get better. The kids will remember all that you have done for them. If she starts to resent certain things, don't take it to heart. Your doing the best that you can with what you have.
I would def. start playing the lottery...hehehe.
You can lay it out for SD
You can lay it out for SD like this. Her dad didn't pay zilch for her for however many years, but you were living with the father of the rest of the kids. Did you guys not feed her because her parents weren't paying for her? did she not have clothes and a roof over her head? Of course she did, because that's what families do. It's not about what money is whose. If she thinks she's owed that support money - tell her she can have it all as soon as shells out for what her non-parents have payed for her so far at the expense of the other kids.
A bit harsh maybe, but certainly something even a teenager can understand.
And ya, if she's old enough for a car, she's old enough for a job.
Also, why are getting so little support? $100 a month (not including the $600 the random guy pays) for all of those kids is ridiculous. Is everyone in this situation unemployed or what? Have you filed for child support through the attorney general's office? You need to do that. It's great that BM wants to buy them stuff, but you need cash to be able to run your household properly. That would alleviate all of the "fairness" issues.
I think it's somewhat fair of
I think it's somewhat fair of SD to have a gripe that her father is the only one who pays a legitmate amount of child support each month, but that $ is being used for other children's needs. I don't think it makes her entitled to cars, jewelry etc. Maybe you can get a hold of child support laws/guidelines in your state where I'm sure it outlines that CS $ should be used for necessities and show that to her?
Unfortunately in your current situation, things are never going to be "fair" for all children. Can you not take BM, and BD to court for child support? why in the world are they paying only $50.00 per month??
I don't know how you could possibly go back to work (unless all children are school age) but even then I would guess it would still require you to get some type of daycare, unless you have a family member or friend that helps you out. If you had to pay for childcare for 6 children I can imagine your net pay and then some each week would be going to your childcare provider.
You are in a very tough situation through no fault of your own, which makes it even more frustrating. I ask this question every day... "what in the world is the matter with people?" Don't think I'll ever get a logical answer.... Best of luck to you!
Through the Domestic
Through the Domestic Relations office in PA I was told that unless the parents have a verifiable income, I cannot prove anything regarding the amount of money that they make. They have the option to do job search and pay nothing, or to pay $50 each month if they have no verifiable income. So that is where that magic $50 came from. And it is $50 total, not even $50 per child. So that equals $12.50 per child per month. So when both BM and BF went into court they said that they didn't have a job. BM does not have a job, I know that for sure. I think BF changed his profession from construction worker to drug dealer so I cannot prove that income. I did however call the drug task force on that concern. I do not want drug money coming into this house anyway, but it is just not fair. I am learning through all of this however that life isn't fair, so I guess I should say instead, "the situation really stinks!"
I am able to talk to BM but BF/ my soon to be EX has refused all contact with all of the 6 children in my house as well as with me because I am a "traitor" for taking him to court for custody of "his" kids. I had to do what I had to do because of the drug selling concerns, neglect and emotional abuse of the kids, so he can think I am a traitor all he wants. Their BM just came back into their lives a few months ago when I began the custody proceedings, but prior to that she hadn't contacted them for over 5 years. Who knows how long she will stick around anyway. Her visits and buying them anything at all could vanish in a heartbeat.
So are you saying that your
So are you saying that your state does not in anyway figure income potential based at a minimum on full-time minimum wage rates?
Whether they are employed or not, both BM and BF should be looking at CS based at least on a percentage of minimum wage. And if they're not employed, then that's a debt that will accrue and is on the books to be yours as soon as they get employed or get a tax refund or whatever.
Start calling your caseworker. If you get nowhere there, start calling and emailing your state representatives. That amount is utterly ridiculous.