My son's the problem! What do I do?
Hi experienced stepparents!
I truly need some input! I just married the most wonderful man a year ago! He has 3 children (daughter 17, son 13 and son 11) I have two sons (21--not at home and 19 at home.) Like all blended families we have been adjusting to new rules, traditions, situations etc. We've had some challenges will all of the children here and there--but all, has been very doable. One of the main causes of stress right now is MY youngest son. I love him and have worked very hard to support him in every way over the last several years to literally keep him alive and well--to the detriment of enabling him (which I have been working on.)
My son's father abandoned him 5 years ago while he was having a meltdown and wanted to end his life. By myself for many years I struggled to get all kinds of help, support for my son--which I was able to do. He successfully graduated high school and is in community college. Along the way--it was just he and I and I enabled him too much--perhaps out of survival. Recently he restarted his relationship with his biofather who abandoned him--although I wouldn't say this to my son--I don't believe it was the best time to do so. His father has mental health issues, is angry, vendictive, sees things as black or white, and many more negative qualities--which my son seems to favor at times.
My husband has been very tolerant and supportive of my son--probably more than many husbands might be. He has shown my son how a real man responds to things and has given him manly help and advice. When my son has had meltdowns he takes things out on me and he and my husband have had words.
Recently, my husband said that he doesn't know how much more he can take. He has a full plate--is without a job currently, has his own concerns with his ex-wife, a special needs son's school needs and is on tranqualizers because of all the stress. He assured me that this didn't mean a divorce as such--but that he would find ways to withdraw from my son. For example, when his kids come over for the weekend he plans to go over to his father's house for the weekend (but has invited me to come with them.)
I'm very torn! I love my son and want things to work with my husband and new family! How can I walk a fine line that supports my son and my husband?
Thank you so much for reading this note! Please if you have any advice--I"m very open to hearing what you all have to say!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your post--I really appreciate it! My son is doing much better in many ways. The suicidal concerns happened mostly when he was visiting at his dad's when he was younger. My son, does tend to become dramatic to get what he wants, too--it truly has been a fine line with his behavior. However, I wasn't in a position of taking chances as you can imagine.
What I'm seeing mostly now is the aftermath of all that has happened in the last five years. He remains angry. His bio father all the time we were divorced (over 15 years ago) has told both my children that I was not a good mother--my older son believed him and last year decided not to speak with me. So, my younger son holds a lot of frustration caused mainly by my ex-husband. I've tried to reason, talk, cry-you name it with my ex in times past but to no avail.
I continue to help my son in all ways that I can. It would be awesome if he could live on campus--I can barely afford the two classes he takes at this time. We don't have grandparents who can help--so he remains here--much to his frustration too.
I feel caught in the middle and not sure of my next step in guiding him or helping my new marriage and family.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your comment! I appreciate all views on this situation!
My new husband has been trying for months to get jobs--it's been really hard for him here.
My son's bio father is counseling as well as my new husband--we're all in counselling actually--which is truly helping--it's just that these recent events have really left me frustrated and torn and running out of ideas on how to help everyone, stay strong and maintain a good life for myself and my family!
You make a great point! He's
You make a great point! He's half-heartedly been trying. I've been trying to help him as well--but it's been frustrating. I think you're right about considering getting a loan out for him to go to school--I did it! Maybe that would be the best thing! He is in counseling and has been since the first meltdown. He's been in special programs as well--he has done well on many levels--it's just this last piece of getting him to mature and take charge of his life I seem to be having a hard time with.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your wisdom! It sounds like our situations are very similar. I think part of the reason for having him go to a community college is a couple reasons...one is not sure if he can handle a full load of class. By having him stay at home and take a couple classes (which is all I can afford) it means that if he were to graduate he'd be free and clear of that financial burden--but in retrospect--I went on campus and took out the loans and was glad I did! Maybe this is the solution for us all! THank you so much! Sometimes the obvious is right in front of our noses!
Thank you again so much for sharing your story--that really lifted my spirits!
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your contributions and thoughts to our situation. I agree with you that my son is not the entire problem here and I do and have supported and advocated for him his whole life--but he does have a part to play in this recent situation and have been torn and frustrated.