My son's the problem! What do I do?
Hi experienced stepparents!
I truly need some input! I just married the most wonderful man a year ago! He has 3 children (daughter 17, son 13 and son 11) I have two sons (21--not at home and 19 at home.) Like all blended families we have been adjusting to new rules, traditions, situations etc. We've had some challenges will all of the children here and there--but all, has been very doable. One of the main causes of stress right now is MY youngest son. I love him and have worked very hard to support him in every way over the last several years to literally keep him alive and well--to the detriment of enabling him (which I have been working on.)
My son's father abandoned him 5 years ago while he was having a meltdown and wanted to end his life. By myself for many years I struggled to get all kinds of help, support for my son--which I was able to do. He successfully graduated high school and is in community college. Along the way--it was just he and I and I enabled him too much--perhaps out of survival. Recently he restarted his relationship with his biofather who abandoned him--although I wouldn't say this to my son--I don't believe it was the best time to do so. His father has mental health issues, is angry, vendictive, sees things as black or white, and many more negative qualities--which my son seems to favor at times.
My husband has been very tolerant and supportive of my son--probably more than many husbands might be. He has shown my son how a real man responds to things and has given him manly help and advice. When my son has had meltdowns he takes things out on me and he and my husband have had words.
Recently, my husband said that he doesn't know how much more he can take. He has a full plate--is without a job currently, has his own concerns with his ex-wife, a special needs son's school needs and is on tranqualizers because of all the stress. He assured me that this didn't mean a divorce as such--but that he would find ways to withdraw from my son. For example, when his kids come over for the weekend he plans to go over to his father's house for the weekend (but has invited me to come with them.)
I'm very torn! I love my son and want things to work with my husband and new family! How can I walk a fine line that supports my son and my husband?
Thank you so much for reading this note! Please if you have any advice--I"m very open to hearing what you all have to say!
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Foxie You're awesome! It's a
Foxie
You're awesome! It's a great idea and I think I'm going to really look into this for him. Honestly, we don't have much money--but...as you suggest, he can get loans and would probably love the college very much! When I went to school I lived there and eventually paid off school--looking back it was the best thing for me! This is maybe what he really needs! Thank you so much--you really lifted my heart on this one!
Dear HRNYC, Thank you so much
Dear HRNYC,
Thank you so much for your compassion and wisdom once again! My new husband has been working very hard to get a job--it's been a real frustration for him on so many levels--which as I shared hasn't helped with the situation I was writing about.
I really think getting my son on a campus would be great. The community college that he goes to doesn't have a campus..but...maybe we can look into transferring him to a state college and taking out loans--there must be something for us out there! He does attend counseling twice a month--but honestly, in all the years that he's had it, it hasn't really done too much for him. The good news is that he is maturing a little and has make some good stides to better himself within...he just can't get out of his own way and doesn't welcome any help. I think he's going to be one of these people who has to let life and it's lessons guide him on his life's journey.
My new husband does support me in the understanding of being in the middle but he's frustrated too and I'm trying so hard to support each side of this. It seems all I've been doing lately when I lay my head on the pillow is tear. But I know we're all good people and that this will pass.
thank you so much for helping me--I really appreciate you and your thoughts and ideas!!
Dear Not The Maid, I totally
Dear Not The Maid,
I totally agree with you in every way! When my new husband has suggested this, I've been very supportive of the idea. I guess, it's just that I feel sad that he has to do this. When we first married I truly wanted my home to be a safe and happy haven for my new family. My husband's exwife's home is very stressful for the step children. Although my step children seem very happy here, I do understand that my new husband needs to make sure that they are not in a stressful environment. Also, my father-in-law only lives 20 minutes from our home...so when my husband takes his kids there, I can sleepover and spend time with them there. Thank you for saying what you did. You're absolutely right that he needs to do this. I do believe that he loves me very much and is truly looking out for us all in this matter! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts I really appreciate you very much!
Dear HRNYC, My son's bio dad
Dear HRNYC,
My son's bio dad does work. My new husband was laid off from work about 6 months ago. He's been working every day to get one, but has not been able to. Not sure if many of you are in this situation, but when your husband is unemployed it's not just a financial issue, but an emotional one that hits all threads and relationships within a family. Thank you, HRNYC for your note!
Dear houtxstepmom, I couldn't
Dear houtxstepmom,
I couldn't agree with you more! I have done honestly everything from enabling him, helping him look for jobs, letting go and letting him take his power back--you name it! It's a tiring situation. I also agree with the fact that he's a young man and that even with his issues needs to take charge. I was on my own by the time I was 17--so I truly get what you're saying. He's stuck and can't get out of his way and quite honestly, is lazy on some levels (although he's doing an awesome job in school!) One of the other writers reminded me that part of financial aid packages is work study--this would be great for him! He could work, go to school on campus,live there and feel empowered! Thanks to all of you, I'm going to look into this more. Our financial situation is difficult, but there's always possibilities I'm sure! Right now he attends a community college where there are no dorms..so we'd have to look into perhaps transferring him to a state college. Thank you houtstepmom!
Also, houtxstepmom, to answer
Also, houtxstepmom,
to answer your other question...he is in counseling--has been since 14, it has helped a little, but keep in mind he was abandoned by his bio dad at that age, his brother also left him (and me over a year ago), has depression and anxiety. He carries many good and not so good qualities of us both to be sure...his bio dad is angry, controlling, self-centered, inflexable--which my son favors. Having recently restarted his relationship with his bio dad has been rough, too because he's been caught in the middle of trying to reestablish a bond with his bio dad--yet his bio dad still feeds him unkind words of me and my family--so it's been hard. I can't say don't see your dad--but in my heart, that's not helping my son move on in a lighter way. Not sure if that made sense. Anyway, he has gotten help and continues to do so...but doesn't always want to do the work that goes with it! Thank you again for your thoughts--you're a very wise lady!
Your son is in college which
Your son is in college which is a good thing. Make sure he works during the summer.
Why the heck isn't your husband working?
Dear Disneyfan, You're very
Dear Disneyfan,
You're very smart--and yes, I've been trying to help my son look into summer work--he can be very lazy about following through and there comes a point where I'm going to do what I can, of course, but I can't do the work for him. It's like they say--you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink--that's kind of where I am on the job thing. But we're working on it the best of the abilities involved. My new husband, as I shared in an earlier post, was laid off from work 6 months ago. He's been diligently working on applying every day and making follow up calls, taking classes to redirect him in the job-huntin process, you name it...I do believe he will get something soon, but it's adding to the many stresses our new little family is having now as you can imagine. Thank you very much for writing!
Does your son have a mental
Does your son have a mental illness? If so NAMI can help - look them up on the internet, i am sure there is a chapter in your area where you could talk to support staff who understand what you are dealing with.
Dear
Dear RainbowsAndDaisies,
Thank you for your information and note! My son has anxiety and depression. During the last four years of his life he also had gained so much weight--which added to his issues. He had bariatric surgery (his choice) and lost half his body weight and looks awesome. The good news with this is it has bolstered his confidence and allowed him to start to move ahead with his life and attend community college. I have looked in to NAMI before and may look into it again thanks to you! Thank you so much!
A couple of suggestions, as I
A couple of suggestions, as I have seen over and over how many men, especially men, with these issues are not necessarily bad people but instead have other issues which people don't necessarily understand.
1. if you can go to wrongplanet.net, check and see if while reading through some threads there, something in you sees either your ex or your son...if so, don't take it out on either one, don't make them feel that they are wrong, but instead try to guide your son to go to that website.
2. although he is in cc, it seems like he doesn't have some passion that he can divert his energy to...that makes a lot of difference. Again, there are many ways to make money nowadays...I have found that many kids who are a bit "off" are also very creative, etc...if he likes to draw, etc...have him look into "www.zazzle.com", if he instead is interested in all kinds of things, such as video games, etc...because everyone has some passion, we just need to find what that is...then send him over to this site and see if he can start writing down either what he feels or writing about what he loves, wether it's computers, football, video games, whatever...he can make money there little by little...the most successful there are actually pretty young kids who know everything about what kids today want and love
3. i agree that you should let your DH with his kids stay at his father's house on the weekends for a while, but instead of you going to their house, I think you should use the time to find something meaningful to do with your son...wether it's movies, learning some new game he loves or anything else...not sleeping next to your husband one night every couple of weeks is not going to damage your marriage, but it might save both your marriage and son for you to try and find something in common with your kiddo and make all of your lives more enjoyable...ps. if you can find something that both your husband and he love, maybe that would be even better...
Good luck. Although I normally get pretty ticked off about BMs who let their kids do as they please, I commend you for understanding that although not 100% your fault, there is plenty of fault to go around here...it's not just your DH, it's not just your EX, it's not just your KID and it's not just YOU.
I hope all of you get through this as quick and as peacefully as possible.
PS - tell your husband to put his resume up on that squidoo site too
or maybe he can start giving advice about whatever it is he knows...the money does trickle in and although I am not an expert at anything, I make at least a couple of hundred dollars a month there... ![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
Dear herewegoagain, Thank you
Dear herewegoagain,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful ideas! You are very wise and I certainly will check out the websites you suggested!
The wrongplanet website sounds great--I think I've heard of it before.
You're definately right about kids who are a bit off. My son does have some creativity--he's a musician, loves video games,bowling, has a great sense of humor (comedy), video filming-and I have fed his appeptite and passions in all these areas paying for lessons, joining clubs, summer camps etc. I guess I was hoping by now that he's take more of an initiative to persue one or more of these passions on his own.
I agree with your idea about staying home with my son while my new husband is with his children at his father's house. And actually, in some cases I've gone with my husband and other times I've stayed home with my son--so I've done both.What I've noticed is that my son, being a typical teen, will be occupied doing his teen things when I've been with him. It's funny, but I feel as though I'm in a perpetual catch 22 with him. Sometimes he'll complain that he wants more mom time, when I offer to do something with him, he's not interested--but I'll keep trying.
..also, you're right about the fault piece of this...we all have our own responsibility to do what's right and if we made a mistake to try and fix it. There's nothing wrong with making a mistake--but it is important to fix things in a manner that offers dignity and respect to all who are involved. I've always tried to deal with my son in this way even when he's firing his angry thoughts at me.
I truly just want us all to live happy, healthy lives and I thank you for sending such warm and kind energy about this situation our way! Also, thank you for your advice--I'm going to check out your suggestions now!