My fiance wants us to move into his house..
My fiance wants my two children and I move into his home and soon. Problem is my 10 yr old and her little sister were excited to move to his home this summer, but now that they are back in school, my older daughter doesn't want to leave her friends and family here. She decided she likes her life just the way it is and doesn't want to move 2 hrs away to my fiance's home. She stated she wants to live with her dad & aunt (when her dad is at work). Now, my 7 yr old is saying, I want to do what sissy wants to do-I don't want to leave now. This is all a sudden news flash to me.
I had lost my job due to the economy & have little money to live on. Frankly, I cannot afford not to move in with my fiance and need do so within a few months or I seriously won't have a place to live. I do continue to look for work in his area.
My guy is a better father to my girls and is more hands-on than their father ever was. He even let them pick out a pet to have at his home, even though we are not there yet. He has done a lot of things for the girls and continues to do so. He is wonderful with them and treats them like gold.
The kids have met his teenage son, who lives with him and who happens to be a bit of handful. My older daughter and he were already competing and trying to one up the other. My older daughter states he is mean and she doesn't want to live with a mean brother, nor does she want to be away from the town she lives in and her life here. She keeps saying she wants dad and I back together in our family home we shared. She has never been good about life changes and hated when we came to live in an apt. I reminded her how she hated it when we first moved to the apt from a house and how well she has adjusted. She stated she hates every change and she is not going to live with us in 'his house', as she cannot leave her dad, family, school and her best friends. She said she will never have best friends like she does here and that she wants me to be single and break up with my fiance. She also came right out and said she wants me all to her self.
No problems with my younger one, but totally emotionally drained with the crying and resistance from my older daughter. I do have an appt with Friend of the Court coming up to work on changing the joint custody, so that I can have my girls with me more than 50 percent and so that we can change school districts. I don't know what FOC will agree to if kids are resisting the move, as I know that is the first thing my ex will tell them.
I appreciate any advice, especially from people that have had to move and relocate their reluctant children to be with their new spouse. Also, any info on how to deal with blending young children with a teenager, who is also a bit jealous and resentful of having to share his father with a new family would be extremely helpful!
I think all SKIDS want their
I think all SKIDS want their parents to split up with their new partners and for their bios to get back together. But sadly, life ain't like that. You have to earn a living, provide the roof over their heads and they have to let you do that.
Yes, they will find the changes hard, we all find changes hard, life is about loss, change and impermanence - oops, now am sounding like a Bhuddist! But seriously, you have to do what is best for you and the girls will have to go along with that, because they are too young to be making their own decisions yet.
I have not been in this situation myself, but I can imagine it is very heart-wrenching for you, to be needing to do something and get so much opposition from one of your kids. Hopefully someone who has gone through this will come on and give you some good advice - good luck!
Thanks, Kes for the
Thanks, Kes for the insightful and helpful post. And its reassuring to be reminded that the decision is mine to make, as their parent.
I have told the girls its what best for our family, and that I love them with all my heart. I figure its not going to be easy, but life is full of difficult challenges that we all need to get through
I have to say do not move in
I have to say do not move in with a man simple becuase you feel that financial it is something you have to do. Do not do it for financial reasons! Do not become financail reliant on a man EVER!
It is completely understandable that your girls do not want to move away from where they have grown up, from their family, their friends, their school, everything that is familiar and comforting to them. We live in a large town and upgraded our home and moved from one side to the other side - which required a change in schools that was a year ago and my kids are STILL adjusting and it is breaking my heart!!!! We did not even move out of town, away from family and friends and activities, church, etc. Everything else is the SAME, just new house (bigger and better - which they do like), but different schools.
My DH is FAR more involved in my older girls lives than their biodad's. But it doesn't change the fact that he is not their biodad. BD's are still involved and no matter what they are still dad - just like my SD's mom is still mom even if she is lazy, worthless and treats SD like a source of income more than anything else.
Also the courts these days tend to lean more towards not creating big life changes for children. It may not be granted for you to obtain the greater custody of the girls and relocate with them and take away more time from your ex and uproot them from their home, school, neighboorhood, family, etc. Would you still move and leave them behind if that was your only option? What about your fiance moving to be with YOU?
Also, if there are issues with the son the issues will be compounded after you move in. There will be issues you were not aware of that will be exposed. I don't blame your girls not wanting to move in with a teenage boy that has issues and is "mean". I personally wouldn't want to either.
I understand you love this man and want to be with him, but please think through what all these changes are going to mean to your children and how it will affect them. We moved to a BETTER neighboorhood, a large better home - which was needed becuase we added two more babies to our family, and the kids actually go to a BETTER school and it is still heartbreaking to me when they say they liked their old school better and wish they were still going there. I CANNOT imagine if they also were telling me they wish they lived in their old town, was still in their old activities, still at their old church, still could see their friends frequently, still lived close to family and seen them frequently, still could see their dad anytime they wanted, etc. If I had to listen to that and then be living with a man I moved in with becuase I financial felt I couldn't do it on my own and the SS was a handful and not enjoyable to live with. Wow, that would push my heartache for them over the edge, no matter how wonderful the guy was. Truly, truly think about it and DO NOT do it for ANY financial reason at all!!!!
HopefulSM, Thanks for the
HopefulSM,
Thanks for the response. I totally understand about your kids missing their old school even though it is just across town. I am sure that is very difficult to do deal with, since they are still adjusting and I hope things get better for you there. I actually know quite a few children who moved across town, to other towns and out of state, but all of these kids were happy about it and loved their new surroundings! I wish the rest of us could be so lucky with kids adusting quickly and be happy about the change.
Regarding the son, he was talked to about his behavior and his son apologized stating he is used to fighting with his older siblings (they live with his ex). His dad reminded him that the girls are young and need to be treated with respect.
As far as my situation, whether I am making great money again or just getting by, I still plan to marry my fiance and will not stay here for another 10 years or more, waiting to begin my life- all because my kids don't want to leave their school and friends. I have finally met the 'one' and we want to get started on our lives together. It is unfortunate that he does live out of town. As far as him moving here, yes, that would be great, if it was possible, but he has a very secure and great job there-along with the fact that his house will be paid off in a few more years, so unfortunately, him moving my way is out of the question.
Thank you so very much for
Thank you so very much for your post!! Sounds like your ss was in a similiar situation and handling it like my daughter is now. I am so glad to hear that everything has worked out and that your ss was so adaptable to his surroundings so quickly! Great to hear that in time, all is well and how great he has adjusted to his new school. You have given me hope and I am a lot more optimistic regarding my situation now! Thanks again-your info was very, very helpful!