My Ex is confusing my 5yr old son about his soon to be step dad.
Hi everyone one,
I'm very new to the forum so first wanted to say hello! I'm glad I found this forum and hope it will bring some new advice and insight into my family situation I'm having.
I have a 5 yr old son awesome little boy very loving and has just a happy go lucky attitude.
I'm in a committed relationship and we're planning on getting married next year. My son and his soon to be step dad have a great relationship, he's a Captain in the US Marine Corp and is a cobra pilot. From the beginning he was very patient but has made a very big effort to gain the trust and love from my son. He's succeeded and my son has also succeeded in finding a place in his heart. The three of us call ourselves Team Bear Hug after a t-shirt my son has that he thought was just the coolest thing ever. Cheesy I know but it's the little things that make me realize how great it is to have such an understanding and great guy.
My concern started just a couple of months ago. My son doesn't see his biological father regularly because his father has "more important things to tend to" He provides financial support when he feels like it and I haven't really pushed the issue because I feel that if I did he would demand more visitation time only to make his financial responsibility less. His dad has run into some problems and isn't the ideal role model for my son. Yet I have never said anything to my son about my opinions of his father. However in the few visits my son has had with his dad it's pretty apparent that his dad is interrogating him about what it is we do and what kind of relationship my son has with my fiance.
Just recently my son started saying to my fiance, "My Dad hates you" "He says you're not cool cause you fly planes, you just think you're cool" or the newest one "You're not gonna be my dad I already have a dad I don't want you to be my step dad" When he said these things I could see that it broke his heart and of course mine too. I was so surprised by the things my son was saying because that's not like him. He is still very affectionate and close to us both but I'm just scared about what he says and don't know how to handle it. I'm just so frustrated that his father doesn't make any effort to be a positive influence in his life and yet can have so much impact with the things he has told my son, and the people who are making the effort end up hurt. How can I explain to my son that what his father is telling him is not right? His father has a new girlfriend and I tried telling my son that if his father married her she would be his step mom.. my son says "that's okay I just don't need another dad though" 
I'm just hurt and even though my fiance says it's okay I know he's hurt by it too.
I confronted my ex but of course he denied it and I can assure you a 5yr old doesn't come up with this stuff out of the blue.
any advice?
Hi Cali, I think you should
Hi Cali,
I think you should just explain to your son that he is going to have a step-dad but that doesn't and won't change the relationship he has with his biological dad. The only thing I would say to your son about his father talking crap is that it's not right or nice to talk about other people badly.
Even though his biological father isn't the best guy, it sounds like he's there to stay and he's feeling threatened by your fiancee. I don't what type of relationship you have with your ex but you could also let him know that your fiancee's relationship with your son won't threaten his relationship, that he's still the dad, and that your soon to be husband is one more person that loves your son. And that that is good for you son and that's all that should matter.
If your ex continues to do the bad-mouthing and you refrain from it, your son will figure out who's doing the right thing and who isn't, especially when he's older.
agreed. The biggest thing I
agreed.
to him
The biggest thing I had to explain to my SS4 when before we got married was the term "stepmom". He didnt even know what it meant and could only say "thats not my mom, thats my little sisters mom" whenever anyone told him i was his stepmom.
When we were sitting preparing some french fries together (he rubs the potato with parm cheese and oil for me to bake) I asked him if he liked things how they were at our house. SS-Yes. Me-So you know that when me and your dad get married nothing is going to change right? SS-really? Me-Yup. Your dad and me are getting married because we love each other very much and want everyone to know it. And when we do get married, guess what? SS-What? Me-Ill technically be your stepmom (confused look), but that doesnt mean anything has to change, ok? SS-so I dont have to call you mom? Me-Nope call me the same way youve called me, by my name. Just because me and your dad are getting married, no matter what anyone says, nothing between us changes ok. Hows that sound? SS-ok. good (big smile)
I know my SS4 speaks very well for his age, but honestly they can understand it in terms without the title. If your soon-to-be-H is still is friend: he wont be negative anymore. And he'll probably start telling his BD that your FH is his friend and is in fact a cool guy, so
Good Luck!
I've had the conversation
I've had the conversation with both the BM and the boys about the fact that I do not want to take any place of being their "mom". There's a certain prestige to being a SM too and I would rather have that than be confused for mom. I correct people when they call me their mom. Since I went to both groups and said "I am not here to take over" and backed it up by not getting too involved in the decisions of how to raise them, the BM has never badmouthed me. Maybe you need to have that conversation with the Bd and with the kid. It sounds like they're taking your FDH's move differently than you planned.
Thanks for the feed back! I
Thanks for the feed back! I have had the conversation with the BD and a similar talk with my son about the issue. It's very clear that my sons loves my FH and he tells me "I think he cool mommy I love him" but then he'll just out of nowhere start repeating what his BF has told him. His father may see him only a couple hours a week. He usually visits his grandmother who I still have a good relationship with because she is very close to my son. If he decides he wants to see his son he will go there and visit him but aside from that makes no real effort and I guess that's just what frustrates me. Only a few hour a week and in those few hours he tells my son things that only confuse him and through off the great relationship my FH, my son, and I have.
I had a talk with my FH last night and told him I felt really sad by the things that my son was saying but that I knew this wasn't how he really felt about him. He said he understood and that it was okay but that it was just kind of a kick in the ____ (ya know) because he cares so much for my son and then to hear that can sting.
My son is 5yrs old and this is the only relationship I have had since his BD left when he was 11months old. I think his father just gets bitter and jealous when my son tells him about all the fun stuff we do together as a family, but he's had every chance to do the same and I've never denied him visitation so I guess the situation just sucks.