moving to live apart - any advice?
Hello,
new to the forum but have been searching for similar situations.. hoping someone here might have some advice.
I have 2 kids, girl/boy 10/6yrs of age, my partner has 2 kids girl boy/9/8yrs of age. my kids have lived with me full time since divorcing 5 years ago. they visit their bio father every second weekend for 2 nights. Partner divorced similar time, he and his ex shared the kids 50/50 in a week about situation.
All going well when we met, we lived 1.5 hours apart highway driving. Would see each other on weekend with and without kids, lots of holiday time and generally all was well.
almost 2 years ago found out we were expecting... this was a surprise but one we both couldn't fault. He made the decision to move to where I was living with my kids and his kids then moved to live with their bio mum for his 'week' and they remained in contact each wednesday night, and weekends (the kids would come to our place and he would drop them to school on mondays). Our baby is now 10 months old... and this living situation is unfortunately not working for partner. In part due to partners kids and their need for him to move back to his old place so they can resume week about arrangements. Partner is torn as our 'blended family' was going so well for so long, now his kids are not coping with not living with their dad 50% of the time, his ex won't allow the kids to move here as she wants them 50% (fair enough I couldn't be without my kids either).
I do not want to leave this area, I have my parents and sisters close by, lots of family, cousins and friends. I am halfway through a degree at the local uni and my parents are big help to me with my kids also. I also have a fear of moving to the region partner lives in due to history with my ex. Unfortunately my partners mum passed away 8 years ago and he has no family in the are he will move back to. His dad lives about an hour north of where we currently live - partners residence is approx 1.5hours south of here.
What Im wanting to know is has anyone successfully lived apart and maintained a relationship? I know his kids are ecstatic they will get their way with him moving back, my two are less then happy but understand why we are not moving, but I'm specifically worried about our little 10 month old. our relationship is great currently, he really is my perfect match, and I'm devastated for our son that he too will grow up only seeing dad on weekends, especially considering his parents haven divorced!! aggro I'm so confused.
Should I be the one moving to his place - I am so so scared of having no support, having 5 kids to look after, not finishing my degree and moving my kids from the place where they have finally become stable after the divorce(it was very messy and is still in court).
Any advice? How can I ensure our relationship succeeds and how do I manage our son growing up with a somewhat 'weekend' father?
I live apart from my DH. He
I live apart from my DH. He gets significantly higher paying jobs in less desirable places but the projects usually don't last long enough to warrant uprooting the kids from our community. We stay here and make creative use of skype and online gaming. He may not be physically here but he reads stories, helps with homework, is 100% available for chats about life and friends. I honesty believe he is a more involved father because of this. It makes him treasure the time with the kids more.
I think some people can make
I think some people can make living apart work, but you really have to work hard at staying connected...that said, you have to work at staying connected even when living in the same house.
Is he in a situation where he can live with you during the weeks he doesn't have his kids? That might help, especially since if he doesn't how often would he see the child you share together?
Could you both move someplace halfway in between? That would mean his kids would be 45 minutes away from school during their weeks with you. That would be an inconvenience, but doable if you made it work. His kids are fairly young, so waiting until they are teenagers would seem to be too long.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Moving 45 minutes away would
Moving 45 minutes away would just inconvenience everyone. DH would have to be in the car for 3 hours every day on his weeks and would need to work a very odd schedule. Ops kids would have to be uprooted and change schools.
Well, the only other option
Well, the only other option is she lives away from her DH and only sees him on alternating weekends. Would he commute 90 minutes each way on his off weeks to be with OP?
Then their child will be living as though his father is a NCP, even though his parents are married.
No, that's not the only other
No, that's not the only other option. There are many options, as you and the other posters pointed out.
OP had a baby with a guy that didn't live in the same city as her. While she was in school, unmarried, and already had 2 kids. Those are the facts. That was her choice.
She was thinking about ALL of her kids when she decided not to move. He is thinking about ALL of his kids when deciding to move back. They are on equal footing here so actually this scenario is the most fair:
OP changes her custody agreement and gives 50% custody of her older 2 kids to her ex. She and her SO switch cities they live in every week so they can spend 100% of their time living together and raising their baby and seeing their other kids 50% of the time while not disrupting the lives of their kids and forcing them to change schools. They each see all of their kids the exact same amount of time.
This is of course a far fetched scenario but it's the most equal for all parties.
humm...hold on, and this from
humm...hold on, and this from some one who lives apart... (we never had ours child)
He put you and the new baby first and moved to your part......
Hon, BM's issues are all about control and manipulation.She still wants to control her Ex husband, he's not allowed to have a happy life with you.
He should simply put his foot down and tell her NO, I'm not moving back to my old place, stop telling the kids shit, they will adjust..
get the custody order changed, it can still be 50/50...she has them during school, and he has them during holidays, then she can take her breaks, the kids are getting older, the week on week off is not going to work when they are teens....they might as well get use to it.
There was a divorce, yes it means you are free to lead your own life, they are not married anymore thus BM can not try and live like it.
I hope your husband does right by you and tell BM to eff off, she will not tell him where to live,
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the suggestions. I really want to make sure I have covered all possible solutions before changing anything.
Sorry I am not sure I have highlighted the ex wife correctly - she is fine to have the kids week about, as she has said they are not coping with the current situation and are having issues at school etc and needing to see psychologists for assistance managing issues - at which appointments they both say they don't like my daughter, she's mean/Bully etc - most of which they seem to elaborate on greatly. Thankfully their dad understands a lot of what they say is just their feelings and that they aren't coping without him 50/50..
I am worried for our joint son, he's still so young that he will grow up seeing his dad every 2nd weekend and one night each week... it's not ideal but I'm really not sure if I should move to his area.. I feel like I'm not giving enough to the relationship by not going with him.. but then I'm torn as I'm settled here and have so much support.. coming from a DV marriage that took me quite some time To leave .. I'm hesitant to put myself in a situation where I have no support close by for myself or th kids.. agghhhh I'm so lost
that doesn't make sense. The
that doesn't make sense.
The skids aren't adjusting to them not living with Dad 50%, but the problem they are sharing with a therapist is about your DD? What does your DD have to do with them not seeing Dad bc he moved?
While I'm sure they miss their Dad and it is hard on them, especially with Dad living with another persons kids, this sounds like it is more about him living with you and not him living far away.
Do NOT move right away. Finish your degree and get your ducks in order. If the skids don't like your DD, you are just putting your DD in a situation of having the skids hate her every other week and then you are stuck in that town bc you gave up your life. There are others on here that moved for their Man and the skids and they regret doing it and are miserable.
Don’t move. Finding help with
Don’t move. Finding help with that many kids is hard. Your husband already is proving he won’t be a reliable partner even for your mutual kid. Don’t expect your kids to sacrifice for your husbands kids. My husband would never move away from us because skids are misbehaving to get their way. Disturbing that your dh is so willing to sacrifice your family to reward bad behavior
"Disturbing that your dh is
"Disturbing that your dh is so willing to sacrifice your family to reward bad behavior.
It can also be argued that it is disturbing that he gave up time with his bio kids in order to live with his stepkids full time. His kids miss him. The only kids hurt by the move were her SKs. Why are her kids more deserving of the man's time than his older two?
Your partner realized moving was a mistake, now he us trying to fix it.
Since you have your kids full time, you should have moved. That way neither sets of kids would have had custody time impacted.
If the current visitation schedule is good enough for his first 2 kids, then it should be good enough for the youngest as well.
If you weren't in school, I'd
If you weren't in school, I'd say move. I doubt you see your extended family every weekend, so it would be a lot less driving to drive for them when you do. But it would be nice if you could finish school. Try to find something where DH is, or wait until you finish school to move with him.
I'm not sure I'm saying his
I'm not sure I'm saying his loving here was a mistake - and neither would he! As he's said it's been the best year of our lives, he's just feeling guilty his first two kids dont enjoy living with their mum full time and is worried about now ha ing a 3rd child who will be without a father figure (weekends aside) when actually this child's parents are not divorced... it's the irony of it all I guess.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How did it go? Can anyone enlighten me on if I make the decision to go and put the adult relationship first.. is that the right thing to do?
"I'm not sure I'm saying his
"I'm not sure I'm saying his loving here was a mistake - and neither would he! As he's said it's been the best year of our lives, he's just feeling guilty his first two kids dont enjoy living with their mum full time and is worried about now ha ing a 3rd child who will be without a father figure (weekends aside) when actually this child's parents are not divorced... it's the irony of it all I guess."
Are you married? At first you called the man your partner, now you're talking about not being divorced. }:)
These may have been the best years of his life, but his children are struggling with their new living arrangements. As a parent, their needs should have been at the top of his list of priorities.
Have you considered living separately until you find school? At that point, you can the kids can move to where he is.
Shel - flip the bird to all
Shel - flip the bird to all the posters who say, move away from your support, his kids misses him blablabla
this is real life and this is what happens when people divorce.. you find a new partner and you move on with life, you do not have the luxury to see your children from the old divorce 27/7, you should've thought about all off this before you divorced.... and made sure your children understands, things will change, not because they are not loved... they can skype dammit, every evening if they want to...
kids of divorce needs therapy from day one, both parents as well.....
and from me, being a single parent most of my kid's life... yes if you put your mind to it you can cope, BM is playing poor me victim and I'm still saying she's trying to control the situation she can not accept her X moved on and is happy...
Now think about this .. what would she have done if DH died instead of divorced her mmm... who would she call to help her, would the kids still be like now, angry bratty and jealous?
If BM moved away, and kids acted up with you and DH, DH asked her to move back because of it, would she move back - nope I think not.
The only thing DH can do is to tell the kids he still loves them, and maybe he can change visitation, have them every week-end...
the sooner these kids get therapy and BM included the quicker this will be solved, without DH leaving you behind.\but do not move away from your support,
Honset answer now - is DH's current job paying more then in old town, is your living standards better off or worst off compared with new town to old town, take all these things into consideration before making a decision simply because BM has this story about kids not behaving... yes that's her excuse to control, kids heard it and now they run with it, very easy excuse... but my Daddy moved away boo effing hoo,
Is this the one where he is
Is this the one where he is living with BM and the kids? Are they still married? And, you're now elsewhere with your own children and "ours" baby? To clarify.j
nope not the same one,
nope not the same one, different one
OK thanks for the further
OK thanks for the further replies.
To answer some questions: his kids actually don't want to Skype/call him, in fact he tries every second night to call them and would be lucky to speak more then once a week.
He has them every Wednesday night directly once school their
Finishes. Also every alternate Friday - Monday. School holidays we have them generally 70/30 split to us. That way all our kids get a good block of time together and we can go away etc together.
Living/working arrangements are great currently. Usually I will have all the kids during holiday time when he's at work but we will always do dinners etc together. We also love camping so try to do that as much as possible.
Married- we bought this house together last year. I will remain living in it. Our son is 10months old and this is our biggest issue. We do not want to split up and have always imagine our son to have the life neither of us could give our older kids - that is to have both paren A together etc. I feel like a failure in this respect. I feel selfish that I don't want to move. But the area hebis going to is so far removed from my comfort zone, it's a very different way of life (city) and we currently live country.
I actually fear moving, only to have his two older kids say in a few months time that they don't want to live with him and want to go back to mums full time... because then both him and I would want to be here where we are now.. but moving that distance, new schools for me and kids, new jobs etc is not easy to change.
N/A
N/A
So is there any truth to the
So is there any truth to the idea being told the counselor that your daughter is mean and bullying towards his daughter?
As to moving, no, you've made it clear here you want no part of living to where he is planning on moving. You'd be unhappy and when things fall apart for you and your kids , you'd resent and blame your DH and his children.
When a SM comes on here and tells that the stepchildren are mean and bullying to her biological kids, she's usually told to put her child and their safety first. Now here is your DH who children are saying your daughter is mean and bullying towards his daughter and part of the people here are dismissing it and suggesting you follow your guy, or dismissing that part and telling you to stay where your support and educational future is, but somehow disregarding his children dislike the treatment your child dishes out to them.
What is it about how people can't grasp the idea that bio-kids are not always wonderful likeable well behaved little darlings (perhaps your daughter), but skids are always , without question, manipulative selfish little demons out to destroy your relationship with their father.
If there is any truth to your daughter actually being unaccepting towards the other set of children and really being mean and bullying towards them, moving to where DH is going to live 50/50 would be a major mistake for ALL the children. If it's not working with one evening a week and a couple days EOWE, it isn't going to work 15dys a month. Not for you, not for any of the children. What's the point of assuring the 10mo old has his family intact if the rest of the family is unhappy? You and yours aren't going to be happy if you move, him and his aren't happy with him where he is.... makes more sense to me to live separately for a while and six-nine months down the road reevaluate how things are. Surely if this is Mr. Right, having him come back and forth 50/50 (during the weeks he doesn't have his kids) is worth a try, right?
Where does DH work from where you currently live? Your town? His kids town 90 mins away? Somewhere 1/2 way? Where do you plan to be able to find a job fitting your career path after you finish school?
SHeldan - CO states 50/50 but
SHeldan - CO states 50/50 but you and DH have it 70/30... WTF is BM complaining then...
nope I will not allow living apart, time for GUBM to pull her weight and raise the children she brought into this world,
also make sure your DD is not really bullying the snowflakes...
the 70/30 is holiday split
the 70/30 is holiday split only. Holidays are like Christmas break , perhaps Spring break. Currently the man has his kids one evening a week and 2 days EOWE on a normal basis. BM is more than carrying her weight if the CO actually says 50/50.
Is the P's Dh paying CS for the months he has his children so little? I bet not if CO states it is suppose to be 50/50.
oh my bad...... I just got
oh my bad......
I just got worked up cause posters think it's okay for her husband to move back to accommodate skids, while she and their bio has to compromise...
on that I say bullshit
Yes, my DH and I have
Yes, my DH and I have successfully lived apart for many years. His work requires him to be in a different state. My job is not transferable (I have 15 years in and am looking at having an actual pension). so we live apart.
Now, where we differ is that we don't have minor kids. I don't have any children with him or any of my own. Obviously that makes things a bit easier... also we are older and were in our 40's and now 50's when we have lived like this... so perhaps it would be harder at a different time or with different circumstances.
Ideally, you would be able to live together. You have minor children plus a bio child together. For that to happen, one or both of you would have to somehow compromise on where you live. the kids would have to deal with that change as well (for good or bad).
Many things could be considered though.
1. Changes in custody so that he has the same "time" but just broken down differently.
2. One of you changes your employment/location. Maybe that can't happen immediately.. like you finish school first. I am wondering what about your EX and that history would make moving an issue. Are you afraid moving further from him? or closer? Honestly, he has the kids.. what 4-6 days a month, it shouldn't really be a huge factor because you can agree to do the extra driving if you move.(if it's further).
3. Live separately 50% of the time. He can live with his kids 50% and with you and your kids/his child 50% of the time. No.. not let him live at BM's he must get his own place. That is unacceptable.
3.