Lies and animosity
So, my husband has 2 children from 2 different marriages. The mother of the oldest died 4 years ago and he lives near us, living alone for the first time since he is 18 now.
His youngest daughter (10) is with us once a month, for the weekend. Unfortunately, my husband and I start dating in the midst of his divorce, so thinks with his previous family (wife, mother in law) have always been a bit like the cold war. We have been trying to manage things avoiding conflict for the past 4 years. My SD tells me things she hears back at home trashtalking my husband for the exact same tings her mother does: they were both married when they started to date, ie, they were each other lovers. At the time his ex didn't want her parents to know that she was cheating on her first husband so she hode her lover for 6 months until her divorce was final and only then she told her mum that she had met a new guy. When my husband left their marriage in a similar way, they started trash talking him, specifically his mother in law, not knowing her daughter had done much worse.
At the moment my SD is on vacation with us, and things are going great during the day, even though the kid is constantly texting her mother. When night comes my SD calls her mother and the day ends with my SD always crying.
So today we were trying to understand why and found out that her mother has set up her daily routine but an online version!! She doesn't respect our time and space and it feels like we are on holidays with his ex too for the kid has to be available to do their routine over the phone.
Yesterday we were taking with my SD about why this happens and she started saying that her grandmother didn't like my husband for the way he left the kids mum. So a lost it and told her it was time to hear the truth, that her parents were each other lovers and that court processes are way too long and that her mother nor her grandmother should condemn when their situation was similar.
I'm tired of hearing lies and shutting up but no the other hand it is stressful for my SD to deal with.
What do you think I should have done?
You should continue to not
You should continue to not interfere. OTOH, your DH needs to let BM know that she has no right to interfere in what happens on his time and that, therefore, the schedule will be OFF until SD gets home and that, if BM persists, he will simply take his daughter's phone and return it when she leaves.
It's hard on kids who live FT
It's hard on kids who live FT with a controlling parent. SD likely knows that if she pisses off BM while with your DH, she has 28 days worth of wrath and vitriol she has to deal with from BM. Make no mistake, BM putting her in tears every night and trash-talking your DH is toxic. Toss in the control, and I'd probably consider it emotional abuse.
So, what should you do? You should do nothing. Your DH, however, has a choice. He can either sit down with SD and tell her the origins and ends of their marriage that is just factual (but age appropriate), or he can ask SD whether she thinks what BM is saying is true and help her logic it out herself, or he can reassure her that he isn't going anywhere, loves her, and these are adult issues that she needs to not worry about.
As far as this "routine" is concerned, if it's not court-ordered, end it. Take the cell phone during the day. Have SD call from DH's cell phone at night. SD is 10 and doesn't need her own cell phone because she's not going anywhere without her dad, so turn that shiz off and put it away.
What you should have done is
What you should have done is keep your mouth shut, it was certainly not your place, you realize you're just another one in the wrong, just like that BM was.
Your DH sounds like a serial cheater/jumper- has he knocked you up yet? Pretty soon we'll see a new stepmom complaining on here about you or you saying how your DH cheated and left you. We see tons of those guys on here, several marriages/different baby mama's. I don't see how you're defending this man.
Maybe that bm's mom knows nothing about her daughters circumstances, it certainly isn't yours to 'explain'- if your DH wants to share facts in a child approved manner, sure. Everybody things they are different/special when participating in the same behaviors they dislike/criticize, I see hypocrisy on all sides here.
Your dh can certainly limit/stop communications since he has her so little, btw, why DOES he only have her 2 days a month? That sounds pretty crappy.
You should have given her the facts sooner.
Or rather her father should have.
In situations where a toxic opposition pulls the kind of crap your DH's X and XMIL are pulling, tuning the kids with the facts is particularly critical. Our blended family opposition was particularly manipulative with SS when he was on visitation. It did not take long for his mom and I to figure out that we had to take a zero tolerance stance with the opposition regarding their crap and introduce SS to the facts as the opposition continued their bullshit with the Skid.
By the time SS was in his mid teens he had developed his own smell tests for their crap and was confronting them on it in real time. IMHO kids have to have the tools to protect themselves and manage the manipulations of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool. By the time my SS-28 had reached 18 and aged out from under the CS he had his SpermClan firmly where he wanted them and has pretty much kept them in that box ever since. Kids must be prepared to protect themselves from a manipulative toxic element of their gene pool as adults.
The quality side of the blended equation gives kids the support and confidence to be able to protect themselves from THEM.
As for your SD. Time to take her phone and only allow a 15min call once a day with BM at a time your DH decides. BM cannot be allowed to interfere in visitation, either in person or over the phone or other electronic communication devices.
If BM freaks out, DH needs to give her clarity that she will not be allowed to upset his daughter and interfere in HIS visitation with HIS daughter. If she plays the court card.... DH needs to go for blood and bare her ass as the manipulative Harpee that she is.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
We have a rule at my house -
We have a rule at my house - "No Lies, even if the truth hurts". BM has told so many lies about me and DH, some we have had to defend in court. We never call BM nasty names, but we will tell SS the truth about who she is if a subject or issue (Crying after phone calls have happened at our house too) comes up. SS knows BM is a drug addict, prostitute, homeless (bed surfs with her many boyfriends), a liar, a manipulator, a felon, and the list goes on. When she does something horrible we explain in the the nicest way that she is a wicked bitch. She brought this up in court once, "They told (My precious baby) that I am a cocaine addict..." What actually happened (and why it's important to record all conversations with a crazy BM) is she mentioned, when she thought SS wasn't listening, that she still struggled with her addiction. SS asked me questions. I told him the truth. SS overheard her tell DH "Don't you think I had paying my bills on my back?" SS asked me what it meant. I told him. The judge agreed in both complaints that this was not alienation or talking bad about the other parent. The courts agreed that if it true and not said in a hurtful manner then we are not expected to lie to SS." There have been many other instances like these.
So I probably feel differnt than most commentors. If BM thinks SS is old enough to hear a lie, we feel he is old enough to hear the truth.
Exactly this.
We did the same. We did not badmouth my SS's Sperm Idiot or the Sperm Clan. We just answered his questions with the facts. As he got older he began researching the answers for himself in our Custody/Visitation/Support records.
They hated the facts and hated it worse that he knew the actual truth rather than the fabricated manipulative bullshit they kept feeding him.
He is an amazing man and has kept them in their place and protected himself from their bullshit as an adult. Children who do not have the facts often struggle with the shallow, polluted, and manipulative half of their gene pool deep into adulthood.
I'm all about kiddos hearing
I'm all about kiddos hearing the truth appropriately at their age. Everywhere I've read and the counselors I have spoken to have all said do not sugar coat anything with a lie.
I deal with that with my ex. I'd sure like to kick his high horse in the shin! Did you know he's even been in a movie when he was 9! PaLEEEEEZ!
No, he's a bullshitting fake with a rap sheet just as big or bigger than everyone he complains about.
I definately wish when he was supporting his black eyes and the whole nine yards I didn't protect my kids from it either and let them see who he really is.
I will not lie to my kids and it pisses him off.. so what. I also don't lie about my self neither.. if anything makes a person straighten up and be the best they can be is explaining to your kids the wrongs in your life and the lessons that were learned from those wrongs.
And besides.. lieing about something that they could easily find as they get older and realize how to use the internet.. no thanks!